Weekend Update

Wow this weekend was absolutely crazy! Like I was saying in previous posts I really haven't had time to 'stop and smell the roses.' Any free time I have is very limited and usually invovles a chore getting completed at home.

Friday night I finally got my oil changed. It was only 4-5k behind. The line was so long I decided to have my nails done whilst I waited. So now I have nice looking fake nails and french maincured feet. Not sure if I can handle the nails, but we'll see how long they last. I was going to attend a friend's b-day celebration but by the time she called me I fell asleep I was just that tired. Saturday I worked at WEO, and more than made my weekend with one sale. I then went to volunteer at "The Lot" sponsored by Metropolis. It was fun to see everyone, drink free, and just hang out. After taking Jen and her friend home, I crashed in bed for a nice sleep. Sunday I worked again, and did fairly well. Note to self: just because the store is out of merchandise doesn't mean it's my fault :0)

So now I'm chilling for 2 seconds writing this before I mow the lawn. I'm debating on working out because technically I'm sure I walked at least 10 miles working this weekend alone. Later.

TA DA!

YEAH!!! My Dad brought the first gun that I learned to use (like I said he kept switching them on me) and I actually shot really well today! I'd say I went from 25% to about 65-70% and I've only been shooting skeet four times in my LIFE! This is about 10 rounds (25 shells a round) total! I was so excited! It was strange that I totally missed the easy targets, but then nailed the hard ones, I even hit one I had never done before! I guess it just clicked. My Dad says that usually you get really good and then lose it one week, and it just comes and goes sometimes. Today was the first time I saw my Dad shoot, and he's really good! It was cool. I also got to see someone shoot two at the exact same time on a 'double pull.'

On another random note I discovered that I managed to jam my hip socket in TKB (turbo kick box.) I can't give up TKB, but I will at least keep my exercise to walking until we know for sure I'm healed. Today I was really sore and in pain, but ibuprofen saved the day. We'll see how I am tommorow. Wish me luck! I really have no clue what is going on with the left side of my body. First I get shin splints from running training, now I've got a jammed hip and my neck on the left also feels stiff. I could just still be healing from the Dec. accident or maybe I just overdid it in TKB on a stressful day or something :)

WHOOHOOO, I'm so glad I'm making progress with skeet shooting. It actually made my day! My Dad says I'm very instinctive, so hopefully I'll stay that way. If you think too much, you actually get worse. It sounds strange but if you experienced what I'm doing then you'd know what I was talking about. Happy Weekend!

Top 10 Internet Fads

This site goes on about the top 10 internet fads. Apparently I was 'out of the loop' as I only knew about half of them. But at least it was fun looking at the ones with active links.

Check out my new links (since I changed templates, and I'm not knowledgeable about blogger enough to make my own). One of them is to Shockwave, which has a fun game called "Bookworm" it's fun!

Overdrive

Ever feel like you are stuck in 'overdrive' mode? I have no clue why but I am determined to go above and beyond. Usually this means I do way more than I should, and push myself to all possible limits. Today is only Monday the 4th day of school, and I was there until 630. Not because I had to be, but because I was determined to figure out these orders for school. I found a fabulous sale on isntruments in one of the catalogs and so I have to snap them before they are gone. I'm not going to tell you were in case, they are super-popular, which at that price I know they will be.

I can already tell I will be really worn out by the end of this year (who isn't?), but I know that I will enjoy it. I already notice that my teaching style and approach has changed, and it will be more beneficial to the students. Part of this is the year of experience, part of it is my unquenchable thirst for resources and ways to make things more interesting. I have a sneaking feeling (due to possible loss of enrollment at the school, or the possibily of not being able to travel to keep things full-time) that I could be hunting for another position next year, and so I want to make this year with the students count. I love seeing them again and I'm so excited to be their teacher. It's a shame that for specialists we are 'kept down to the minute' of our teaching time wheras say the librarian will always be full time no matter what the enrollment (I think). 'We' are looking for ways to offer additional courses if enrollment is down, as it makes a huge difference for the students (and teacher) to have a full-time permanant teacher. This year will be easier for me than the last, but I will definitely be keeping things challenging and trying new ideas.

I am really very excited to be teaching such a fabulous group of students this year! It is highly encouraging for me as my first three years of teaching in another district were a bit rough. I love the district, I love the people I work with, and I wouldn't change schools for the world. I hate to admit it but I think I found my place in life, and all this time I feel that God planned for me to teach. I feel like I have so much more meaning in my life because I have a job that can make a difference for the future of tommorow. Sounds cheesy to you maybe, but it's true. Anyway I should be asleep, so I will attempt to sleep now.

Random Thoughts!

YEAH! I passed my WE certification! It is really hard not to be nervous in trying to remember everything that one needs to go through to meet all their standards, but I passed. I even did well on the computer test, which was really killing me earlier when I had to miss an hour of training.

On the way home from Fairview Heights, I couldn't help but see the giant neon sign, three hundred parking lot lights, and strobe lights for "Hollywood." If anyone has even been close to or on Rt. 3 you know exactly to what kind of establishment I refer. I was very disgusted by the fact that there were quite a good deal of cars parked in the lot (on a Thursday during happy hour to at least 9pm) as well as the establishment across from it. Before, I simply went to appease the group of people or person that I accompanied.

Since I've had time away from that life, and to start thinking about myself again I remembered something. Oh yeah, I didn't really care for them (these establishments) then, and I really don't care for them now. If I must be up past 3 and still want to be out, I'd rather choose the Oz or Pops. I am very much out of the going crazy phase of my life. Being so crazy I'm sure has kept me from going to church, getting the sleep I need, and or losing any type of weight from all the calories beverages incur. I really won't miss it at all! It was decent while it lasted, but I won't miss certain stressors that could also come with that. I would mention them, but I'd rather say relatively nice things, than say anything at all.

I realize that am happy to be "officially" single. I didn't realize how caught up I was in feeling like I had to take care of a certain someone, until I remembered "Hey I'm a person with needs too and I'm an accomplice to these actions so long as I stay in the situation." (While that may seem obvious to most of you, it's a little more difficult than it sounds if you a. are in love and b. you're a girl, taking care of people is practically built in (at least in my genes since I was the oldest.)

While it will be a strange experience as I really haven't been single for long since my college graduation, maybe 1-2 months tops (this means no dating of any kind), I am welcoming it with open arms. I'm doing my own thing. I'm working out, I'm finding new hobbies, I'm getting more invovled with my current position, I acquired a weekend position to make sure I can get some bills paid off sometime before the end of this century, and I am doing things for ME.

ME, ME ME! It feels wierd being this way, but I'd have to say I feel happier and healthier than I've been in a long time. I'm a more positive, upbeat person and I'm just generally a lot more outgoing. (Yeah look out, if you thought I was too 'happy' before, wait till you see me now. I almost feel like I did in high school when I'd be in a good mood sometimes no matter what was happening around me.) My attitude is this, you only have once to live. Why do I want to live in depression, lonliness, or emptiness because of whatever? You do know staying in that mode is a choice right (unless you have the 'disease' and your chemicals are off)? I am choosing this for myself and it works! I can either choose to be snappy with my students if they push me to the limit or I can find ways to be positive with them to encourage better behavior rather than bringing more attention to the behavior that disrupts their learning. I can choose to mope around the house and be all depressed or whine to friends about how depressed I am, or I can get out there and do my thing and have fun with my friends and keep up with everyone's experiences.

I am so excited about this. I don't know if it's the full moon or what! Maybe I finally let God in just enough to do what He's been working on for years, I don't know. But I feel it! I finally feel full. I feel complete, on my own, without thinking I need to lean on someone for my happiness. Ok I knew these things before, I just didn't feel them. There is a BIG difference ok, for all those people who have every thing figured out and are laughing at me because you think I lacked common sense. Has nothing to do with it. I allowed my emotions to take control of what I knew to be the right direction to go in life. I chose the easy route. Then I took the hard way for a while, which really wasn't that bad looking back on it. Now I feel like I'm on easy street again on this time I'm happier, healthier, and flat out more sure of myself. If I do feel lonely, bored, depressed I have tons of friends to call on. I could even visit my family, read a book, work out, play Classic NES games, whatever. Thanks for praying for me if you did because it's working. I promised I wouldn't go back on my decision, and I'm still on the right road and I will keep it that way. :)

P.S. The typos and sentance structures are killing me too, but I refuse to make time to edit. ;)

It's Official!

Back to school time officially started today. My day went pretty well, very fast. I couldn't believe how fast the classes went. Somehow a game, some procedure practice, and review about rules, consequences, rewards, and "parties" seemed to be 40 minutes. I must have been going light speed last year or didn't write in my last year's plans how long it took to go through everything.

Oddly, my first day of school was the first day of traveling as a teacher. It was the strangest thing for me because for one I taught in that particular teachers' room instead of the music/art/science/orchestra room where I will be teaching 2 times a week. It was almost like starting as a brand new teacher all over again. Lucky for me the kids were tired, so they were very well behaved for the last class at the end of the first day. I had no idea the first day of Kindergarten was so crazy for the teachers and students. They have to learn everything from scratch. The more I learn about K teachers, the more I have to admire them! I can't wait to be in the multi-room, as it will do wonders for my choices in lesson planning. (I forgot to say I'm in the other room because the art/ music rooms had black mold problems and were quarantined. They won't be ready until the end of next week :(

Meanwhile, I stayed at my travel school until 7pm! Even though I won't be in the room for a week, I can't teach there knowing the decor is drab. So I apparently spent a good deal of time redoing the bullitin boards, laminating, cutting, stapeling etc etc. The room looks much better, and I'm sure the art teacher (who travels like me from my school) will spruce it up herself as well. I'm so wired I can't even relax. I hope I can sleep well tonight.

Btw did I mention my goals this year are to find new and exciting methods for especially teaching the younger kiddos, espeically K. I also plan to have at least 4 concerts this year, hold a club in the fall, teach at camp again, and tutor in the spring? I want to emmerse myself as much as possible. Don't forget I have choir on Mondays (when it starts), turbo kickbox, skeet with my Dad (for a little longer), and Weekends Only. Yeah I'm probably crazy, but I need to keep my mind off some things and just be busy, busy, busy. It's what I do best: taking on more than any normal human being should. Ironically I work better that way (maybe that's why I'm so lazy in the summer? :)

Keeping it even

Someone said I was too negative on my last post (Aug 19). So ok, here's some things I typed up a few days ago, but chose not to post.

Amusing quotes I will miss: 1. "I dunnevenknow"2. "Tunnel of your doom" 3. "Ripe spring rain"
4. "Hmmm?' (Pouty face) 5. "Aeeh?" (crinkle nose) Activities I will miss: 1. Family Guy 2. The Sunday Night Ritual 3. Learning new "go out" places 4. Dancing 'till the break of dawn (on occaision) 5. Hilarious druken calls Things I will miss: 1. Someone to call for directions to any place in the city. 2. The scent 3. The sexiest alive 4. Keeping my feet warm 5. Enclosed arms, sense of feeling safe

Wasted Time

I read one of my favorite blogs today and she was talking about feeling like she will never find love. Her reasons were more so that she has many male friends, and they only saw her 'as one of the guys.' Mine is more of a sense of being unsuccessful to find the right person, and even if I had at one point, I probably didn't know what I had at the time. Live and Learn. Here's the song she quoted. I haven't heard it, but I like the lyrics.


Wasted Time by Meshell Ndegeocello

You rarely notice but I hang on your every word
Everything you say
You are much too busy to notice me
You turn and walk away
Into anothers arms hopeless ashamed
I wish I could hold you that way
Brokenhearted I dream for you to notice me

Wasted time on loving you wasted time
Wasted time on someone
Who wont love you as much as I
As much as I as much as I as much as I

In my fantasy you are asleep beside me
I feel you breathe
If only I could be there for you
The one that you make love to

Wasted time on loving you wasted time
Wasted time on someone
Who wont love you as much as I
As much as I as much as I as much as I

You rarely notice but I hang on your every word
Everything you say
You are much too busy to notice me
You turn and walk away
Into anothers arms hopeless ashamed
I wish I could hold you that way
Brokenhearted I dream for you to notice me

5 Stages of Change

I have been doing some serious soul-searching beginning with the time my dr. forced me to take off work for a week. It has led me closer to God, and ultimately I believe (although I'm still not the best at being consistent in church), led me closer to myself and toward figuring out what I want out of life. It has taken me five years, and many painful, risk-taking and also exciting experiences for me to reach the point where I am at this moment. I know I repeat that a lot,"... for me to reach where I am today" etc, but it's true. With each experience or decision, I take time to reflect and analyze because it's simply part of my personality. Each step of the journey's purpose and meaning becomes more clear, usually after the fact, but none-the-less, I see why certain things have to happen. Sure, there are some things I'd love to 'take back,' 'rewind,' or 'do-over' in my life, but one can't learn without making mistakes.

I have found that change definitely does NOT come easy. I have had to make some very difficult changes lately. It has forced me to experience pain, depression, anger, distress (maybe I should just describe the steps of grieving here?) but I know these things are temporary and I allow them because I know they are for a good purpose. For a while now, I have known about a certain set of decisions that I needed to choose in order to ultimately change and become a better person for it. A particular decision that I have made quite recently has been emotionally gut-wrenching for me. I have been in denial, depression, anger, and most certainly bargaining. I'd say I've been wavering in and out of the 5 stages for quite some time now. I think perhaps I have finally reached the acceptance stage of what I knew to be as the "following through" aspect of this change. While I'm still wavering in feeling, I am set on what I have chosen, and I intend to follow through.

This decision will affect a few people either negatively or positively; however I feel the positive outweighs the negative here. While I can't say that I won't have a slip on my 'follow-through' and mentally lapse toward my intention to change, I must and absolutely must remain firm. I must pledge to myself every day to see this (and other) decisions through. Will it be painful? Yes. Will it be rough? Yes. Will I want to change my mind at some point? Most certainly. But will I allow myself to fail on my follow through for this decision? Absolutely not! I can't say that certain happenings would be impossible to occur, only that I know that at this stage in my life, I won't allow it. I am following through with my pledge to myself, being selfish on this one through and through for once, because that is the only way I know how to make this work.

God, I really feel I made the right choices here. For once in my life, maybe I actually stopped to listen to you rather than rattle off my woes. I'm not sure for this to be exact, but I know that you will support me and will guide me to where I need to go from here. You will hold my hand and keep me strong in this difficult emotional time. I am not alone. You are with me always. I also have friends and family who love and care for me, and will offer their hand if I start to slip. But I feel, that I will not slip, for You are with me. You will fill me with your love so that I do not want and feel empty inside.

Three Little Birds

I first heard this song as I was teaching it in one of the elem. music books. I used it to teach verse/refrain and reggae. I wasn't really a fan of reggae, but when you hear it constantly in the Bahamas as I did last year, you grow a certain liking for it. I LOVE this song. It has a message that I very much need to hear right now. As I was leaving the gym today, I think I sang/ listened to it about 2-3 times to convince myself of the message.



Three Little Birds Bob Marley

Don’t worry about a thing,
’cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin’: don’t worry about a thing,
’cause every little thing gonna be all right!

Rise up this mornin’,
Smiled with the risin’ sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin’ sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin’, (this is my message to you-ou-ou:)

Singin’: don’t worry ’bout a thing,
’cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin’: don’t worry (don’t worry) ’bout a thing,
’cause every little thing gonna be all right!

Rise up this mornin’,
Smiled with the risin’ sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin’ sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin’, this is my message to you-ou-ou:

Singin’: don’t worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. don’t worry!
Singin’: don’t worry about a thing - I won’t worry!
’cause every little thing gonna be all right.

Singin’: don’t worry about a thing,
’cause every little thing gonna be all right - I won’t worry!
Singin’: don’t worry about a thing,
’cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin’: don’t worry about a thing, oh no!
’cause every little thing gonna be all right!

It's my own d*** fault

I was talking to a friend of mine for some advice today and she said something that really hit home for me. I have to write it down to make sure that I remember the feeling of empowerment that came with the statement above. There are some changes that I am making in my life, that I am committed to making, but finding it emotionally difficult at times to enforce. There are people reading this that are close to me and may think they know exactly to what I'm referring, but this is something entirely different (it just happens to apply to all of the above.) She said, "Amy don't take this the wrong way, I'm not trying to be mean, but it's your own d*** fault if you allow this to continue [meaning if I fail in my saught after endeavors]" by allowing your weaknesses to overcome you. I wasn't offended at all. In fact I agreed with her.

And it helped me realize I DO have a CHOICE!! I CAN CHOOSE the direction that I wish to go. I can either choose what I know is harmful to me and deceive myself that it is what I want, or I can choose what I know is the right and healthy path for me and make a commitment to myself. There is no try, only do (something like that from Star Wars eh?) If I want it, I can make these changes; I have to CHOOSE them instead of playing victim. I do this in most aspects of my life except where I am the most weak. I can and I will overcome the past and will move on to the new and improved. It's my own d*** fault if I don't, and I deserve the consequences if I allow myself to fail. I am determined to change without fail, no matter how hard. Nothing in this world that is good is always easy. It's easier to not change, to stay where you are than to do the opposite. Most things that are difficult are worth achieving. My goals are definitely endeavors that I can and do have control over to change. And so I shall because I refuse for it to be 'my own d*** fault by choosing to fail!

Frazzled!

Wow, what a week! I have been going crazy trying to get things ready for school. My training for Weekends Only started this weekend, so in addition I feel like I have no life as it's taking up quite a bit of time. I'm also concerned about another few issues in my life, that I don't want to discuss here, but they just have me on edge. At least my friends and I were all 'on edge,' maybe it's just in the air as a bar fight erupted at the chosen establishment. I need some rest; some answers would be good too :)

So Long Sweet Summer

School starts in a week, so it might as well be the end of the summer for me. I have a meeting this Friday and planned activities Monday and Tuesday, then boom, it's school time. I'm preparing my lessons, getting my classroom ready, and making pre-plans for my 3 programs that I'm doing this year with the students. Up for debate are the themes of each program. I might do a mini-musical or I might just do a revue, either way I would like to decide soon at least for the 4th and 5th graders as their concert is in November.

I picked out this song for the Luau, because I guess at that time I was thinking it would be the last big 'blast' I would have before starting school. There are activities planned during my free time, yes, but considering I also start training for my part-time job this weekend, things are fairly crazy. It's a good song, you should check it out.


So Long Sweet Summer Dashboard Confessionals

So long sweet summer
I stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays
So long sweet summer
I fell into you
Now you're gracefully falling away

Hey thanks
Thanks for that summer
It's cold where you're going
I hope that your heart's always warm
I gave you the best
Gave you the best that I have

So, so long sweet summer
I stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays
So long sweet summer
I fell into you
Now you're gracefully falling away

I hate the winter, in Lexington
I hate the winter, in Lexington
In Lexington, Lexington, Lexington

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Kevin Nealon and Friends


My friends and I went to the Funny Bone to see Kevin Nealon this weekend at Westport Plaza. It was some good times and good laughs. The picture above is a picture of us with Mr. Nealon in the middle (well I smiled, but I didn't know it was one of those 2 flash cameras). We were one of the first in line to see his show and he was taking a break out front :)

Correction

Today was my 2nd time out using a shot gun (not a rifle as posted earlier, oops, sorry). I did tons better today (when I was alone) doing even more stations. I learned that when I have the shot to take it right then, I seem to hesitate just to make sure I've got it and then I miss (and I wouldn't miss if I followed through on the swing, either way). Anyway, so it was really good to finally start hitting some clay more consistently and on more challenging stations. I'd say I'm up to 50% which is a 25% increase from last time. Remember, as you make fun of my numbers, that this is only the 2nd time in my life ever shooting anything (that hits something), let alone a moving target. The tricky stations are those that you have to have a certain amount of lead (like 2 ft ahead etc), the stations where you just aim and wait for it to fall there are the easiest (obviously). This time I didn't forget to hold my hand over the used shells (so they don't fly at your face or someone elses when you open the gun), and it was much easier handeling the gun.

Btw the gun I'm using is a 28 gauge with about 6.9 lbs of weight if that makes any difference to those who asked me before. I also found out that a rifle shoots bullets (really big ones), and a shot gun shoots shells (which are lead pellets that spray out and hit the target).

I thank you God

We sang this song in choir last year, and it happened to show up in an email from beliefnet. I thought I'd share it here. Whenever poetry is set to music, it just doesn't seem the same without the song behind it. Guess that's the music person in me.

Thank You for This Amazing Day

i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday; this is the birth
day of life and love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginably You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

- e. e. cummings

The Awakening

THE AWAKENING

A time comes in your life when you finally get it . . . when in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out: ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears, and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize that it`s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren`t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of `happily ever after` must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are . . .and that`s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn`t do for you,) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don`t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it`s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself, and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties, and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.

You begin to sift through all the crap you`ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you`ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with ,and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing. You stop maneuvering through life merely as a `consumer` looking for your next fix. Your learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don`t know everything, that it`s not your job to save the world and that you can`t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and you learn the importance of setting boundaries and of learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love: Romantic love and familiar love. You learn how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away.

You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love. And you learn that you don`t have the right to demand love on your terms.

And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you `stack up.`

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK, and you learn that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want--and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect ,and you decide you won`t settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his or her touch . . . and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part, in life, you get what you believe you deserve . . . and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline, and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it`s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn`t always fair, you don`t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes `bad` things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn`t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It`s just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state: the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself, and you make yourself a promise never to betray yourself and never, ever to settle for less than your heart`s desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Author Unknown

Moving On

This summer has opened up my eyes to a few concerns. I have come to realize some things which will steer me back in a good direction with my life. The first was finding a job that not only fits me, but also the place and the people I work with. This was extreamly elemental in the happiness factor. While I'm not sure that my position on what job I should be doing will always be the same, I am sure moving on to something new was one of the best decisions I could have made for myself. The option of going to nursing school still hasn't left me, mostly now that factor is about money and do I really want more student loans.

The second realization came to me while my doctor forced me to stay home for 5 days. I realized that I needed to be more committed to pursing God in my life. I also realized that I do not give myself enough credit for the things I do for others or for my job. Somewhere I learned to feel that I am a worthless person in every sense of the word. I have no talent, and no one in their right mind could ever really have enjoyed me singing for their wedding or in my recital or playing piano for church. They couldn't ever really enjoy being my friend or really like or love me etc. They were just 'being nice.' I know this to be incorrect, but deep down this is how I feel, therefore I allow people to take advantage of me or I get myself into situations where I am still trying to please others even if I'm not wanting to be in the situation myself. I'm also really bad at taking criticism. Since I'm already extreamly hard on myself, I take things probably more personally than I should even if it's just a matter of small importance. (This part I'm working on: not to take things so personally.)

The third is that I have allowed the continued failure in 'love' relationships to affect who I am. I have allowed these failures to get me so far down in a hole, that it doesn't surprise me that it's hard for anyone to see who I really am. In general, I am a very upbeat, out-going, positive person. I like to avoid gossip, and usually only do so myself when I need advice or I have been offended in some seriously disheartening way at which point I'm probably just venting anyway. I don't know if my parents were really hard on me as a kid (wanting the best I'm sure), but this pattern has been with me since I can remember.

So from now on I am making a conscious decision to return to an emotional place in my life which is healthy, happy and consistent with what I know is better than my state in the past. Once upon a time, I exercised consistently. I did my own thing with music and friends. I made goals and I pursued them. I didn't rely or feel I needed to rely on anyone to make me happy. I won't allow myself to cry at movies because deep down I felt that I would never find love or be happy. I just really don't care anymore. I am weary of worrying what other people think or giving up most of who I am for someone else to siphon me away to the point that I don't even know who I am anymore. I really need to start living for myself, and in doing so I will be happier, healthier, and even probably a better friend to those who have consistently been there for me as a true friend.

So what if this blog is personal. A blog can be anything you want it to be. Will some people laugh or mock me for this post? Probably. But I really don't care because I'm going to start living for me, on my terms, in my way. This is the person I've known myself to be, but somehow I derailed after college graduation and have gone in the opposite direction all over stupid events. I took failures personally rather than really rising above them and learning from them as much as I could have. And I believed less in the successes that I had, blaming them on luck or God's will. Regardless, I refuse to allow myself to be played by people's games either emotionally, physically or whatever. I don't need that in my life anymore, and I'm letting it go. (Ah what a relief to say that, like a huge weight has been lifted.)

Dance Music

In my effort to make CD's for Saturday, I am in the process of finding music that is Hawaiin and also of the Club nature. I find it very interesting that I am a music teacher, yet I know very little of titles that would be good for these things. So I type in key works like "Hawaii," "Luau," "Summer," and hope that something I recognize comes up. Someone would do very well to have a site that just lists music according to category (especially music that is themed and up-to-date). It dawned on me last night to google "Top 100 Music," and I lucked out and got the billboard top 50 list. This was of tremendous assistance for the later in the party music. I've heard this stuff a million times, but I really don't pay attention to titles and artists (I recognize them when I see them/hear them; I just can't name them off by song and artist). I used to be really into CDs and contemporary music in high school (I was an alternative junkie then). Is it just that my focus has changed in life, or that I consider it non-important and someone else will know these things for me? Well at least I found once source that helped me out with music. Some of the stuff featured later on Saturday include:

50 Cent: Candy Shop, In Da Club, Just a Little Bit
Black Eyed Peas: Don't Phunk With My Heart
DHT: Listen to Your Heart (techno)
Fat Joe/Nelly: Get it Poppin'
Gwen Stafani: Holla Back Girl, Rich Girl
Kelis: Milkshake
Missy Elliot/Ciara/ Fatman Scoop: Lose Control
Nelly: Hot in Herre
Pussycat Dolls/ Busta Rhymes: Don't Cha
Rihanna: Pon de Replay
Sir Mix Alot: Baby Got Back
Snoop Dog: Drop it Like it's Hot
Usher etc: Yeah
Webbie Feat Bun B: Give Me That
Will Smith: Switch
Ying Yang Twins: Shake It Like a Salt Shaker

Maybe this will help you make a CD of fun on your own. Anything I missed?

Luau Saturday

I have many ideas for activities at our Luau, but I won't tell you what they are. Does anyone want to provide some more perhaps that we will do?

Go TurboKickBox!

I decided that perhaps to get myself motivated to working out was to go back to taking the classes offered at 24 hour fitness (instead of just running and some weights). The one near me is finally starting to pick up so I won't feel wierd being in a class where originally there were only 5 people and now it's about 20 or more. Three of the four locations I've been to have completely clear glass so anytime you shake it, everyone sees it. At least in St. Charles they have a wavy-looking film on the outside so no booty is shown. Today I went to Turbo Kick Box in St. Charles. I used to go about every day, but then they stopped offering it.

Now it's back, so I'm going back; it's a full class (which I like) and it kicks your butt. The one I went to today was not too bad in the butt kicking department, and also had Xpress Abs afterwards. Michelle in South County is really good (and is still there), but I'm glad because I'm just starting to get back in the swing. So today I was so sweaty (it was 78 degrees in the room) that my legs were dripping. I was so hyper afterwards I had to run a mile. Talking to a friend over the phone, I was going a mile a minute. (Yes, faster than I normally am, which even annoys me.) I think that by going to these classes I'll be more movtivated because it's something newer than what I've been doing (although I have much experience in the kick box realm, which is why I think I survived today as she didn't really elaborate on the moves (then again no one said they were new.) Here's my plan:

Monday: 6:30 TKB St. Ann
Tuesday: 6:00 TKB/7:00 Abs Xpress St. Charles
Wednesday: 6:15 Abs Xpress, 6:30 Camp 24 Jump n Jab, 7:00 Speed Round (almost TKB) St. A
Thrusday: 6:00 TKB/7:00 Abs Xpress St. C
Friday: 5:30 24 Set/ 6:30 Abs Xpress St. C OR Super Street (hip dancing) 6:00 St. Ann

Cabbage Soup Diet

My roommate was discussing how people at her work were on this diet. I was bored today and decided to look it up. Basically it helps you lose 10-15 lbs in a week on a short term basis to get a kick start on a more healthy diet to follow. I read around and seems also to be a good 'de-tox' from junk diet. I checked about 20 sites as there are variations on the recipie. This is what I thought might taste the best, as some call for 6 onions which seems a bit much to me. Would you try this diet? Have any suggestions for the recipie variations (notice that all the ingredients are predominantly low-carb except the carrots)?

Cabbage Soup Diet

2 onions chopped
2 bell peppers any color chopped
2 cans diced tomatoes
6 diced carrots
1 bunch celery chopped
1/2 lb of chopped green beans
1 head cabbage chopped
1-2 pkg Lipton (onion) soup
Season to taste with salt, pepper, curry, garlic powder, italian seasoning, whatever sounds good
12 cups of water

Optional (as found in other recipies):
1-2 bullion cubes
48 oz of v8 juice
1/2 cup balsalmic vinegar
10 oz. of musrooms

Cook Time: Boil on the stove for 10 mintues and simmer until veggies are soft or cook on low for 2 hours. (Why not use a crock pot in my opinion?)

The idea is you can eat as much soup as you want, but you must follow this plan for the 7 days. If you plan to keep this up long term websites suggest that you go on it a week, and then off for two weeks, repeat.

7 Day Plan:

Day 1

All fruits except bananas.

Day 2
All vegetables, raw or cooked. This includes baked potato with a LITTLE butter.

Day 3
Fruits and vegetables, but no potatoes or bananas.

Day 4
Bananas and skim milk -- eat as many as 8 bananas and drink as many as 8 glasses of skim milk.

Day 5
Beef, skinless chicken, and/or fish -- as much as 20 ounces, total. You can also eat 6 tomatoes. And you must drink 8 glasses of water. Don't forget at least one bowl of soup.

Day 6
Beef, skinless chicken, or fish and vegetables. Drink 8 glasses of water and eat at least one bowl of soup.

Day 7
Brown rice, vegetables, and unsweetened fruit juice.

Note: No carbonated beverages, sweetened fruit juices or alcohol. Take a multi-vitamin once a day. (An extra Vitamin C tablet if you feel light-headed.)

The Cabbage Soup Diet – Against:

• Does not contribute to long-term weight loss
• Not nutritionally balanced
• Monotonous
• Lacks some essential vitamins and minerals

The Cabbage Soup Diet – For:

• A do-it-yourself diet
• Not very complicated to follow
• Affordable
• Good break from junk-food diet

Huzzah!

This weekend I went on yet another float trip with Jamin and Dan's gang, but this time I visited the Huzzah Valley Resort. While I enjoyed the company of good friends, the outdoors, and good times, there were a few things that might keep me from returning at least to this particular 'resort.' First, you have to buy firewood. Second, you have to pay $.50-1.00 for a shower (which by the way have no locks, so I got walked in on two times. The first time I slid on someone's left over bar of soap and seriously scraped my knee on the concrete, at least think to knock people!). Third, many of the group had to wait in line for 20-30 minutes or more to check in. Things I did like included: 1. We accidently got a bigger raft made for 10, and only had 4 people on it; 2. I didn't have to worry about making all the plans because someone else was in charge; 3. The 'leader' knew the place well so getting to the camp site was a piece of cake (otherwise we never would have seen the teeny tiny sign that marked the site numbers.) I've heard that the Current River is pretty cool. I think maybe next time I'll check that out. I think I like trying out different rivers; however, it's a matter of service and quality of camp ground that has me worried. Bear Cat had a great website so we chose that earlier this month, but Twin Rivers (with no website to be found), was much better in service and facitilies.

$10 off Thursdays at Shop n Save

Before July 4th weekend I bought supplies for the camping trip in Lesterville, MO on the Black River. I went to Shop n Save as usual and the cashier asked if I had a coupon. Turns out that either every Thursday or every other Thursday Shop n Save has a coupon in the mail earlier that week (it's in your junk mail packet, and you really have to look). You get $10 off any $50 purchase. From here on out if I got to Shop n Save (instead of mega cheap Aldi), I plan to go on Thursday with my coupon. Just a money-saving tip I wished I'd known about before that I thought I would share here.

Harry Potter: The Half-Blood Prince

Last Sunday after the wedding I picked up my reserve copy of Harry Potter 6: The Half-Blood Prince. I finally finished reading it today. I don't want to give away the story but it was quite good. I'm enjoying the fact that the books have become more in-depth than in the beginning. I'm not quite sure why people really believe these are "children's books," young adult maybe, but the story does lend itself well for getting kids into reading (mainly because it's fantasy, well-written and is a story starting with students who are 11). (Ha, Ha! I found at least 3 typos in the book, but I didn't bother to write them down. At least it was better than the last book I read from 1988. YIKES!)

First time with a Rifle

I was visiting my parents one day and I asked my Dad if he would teach me how to shoot a gun. I'm not sure why exactly I wanted to learn just that it might come in handy some day and that it would be a good way to spend time with my Dad and get to know him better. You see my Dad is very into hunting and fishing etc. Every week or so he goes skeet shooting. This is a type of game you can play while shooting clay (It will take me a while to get to that point, it's pretty challenging and FAST!)

Well today was the first time EVER that I have shot anything besides a laser gun in laser tag or say "Duck Hunt" from Mario Brothers. My goal was to shoot at least one clay. I'm not quite sure how many exactly that I shot but it was at least 15-25 out of 50-. Keep in mind I've never shot a real shot gun (rifle) in my life, and it's not like I'm shooting a stationary target. I was shooting moving clay and had to take into account the wind and trajectory etc. I did really well on two particular stations, some easy, some hard there were two other stations (where the trajectory is a little hard to 'get') that I didn't do as well on, but I improved as I went along. I found that if I thought about it too much I missed or sometimes I would pull my head away from the gun causing the shot to be too high. I'm sure my accuracy had also something to do with 'the fit' of the gun. My Dad says there are specific guns for women that are shorter, and I was basically using the same gun he was most of the time. I found I did better with the smaller gauge gun, but also heavier in weight which gives less when you shoot ( I think I'm telling that right?)

I'm glad my Dad took me on a 'slow' day. There were only about 6 of us there, but in the beginning my Dad and I were alone. He says if I become interested enough he might even fit me for my own gun which would be cool because then I'd stop worrying about matching it up to my shoulder and focus on aiming. I really enjoyed learning to do something different. It was neat to do something for real, as opposed to fake computer games etc.

As long as you follow safety precautions everything is cool. The only thing I kept forgetting was to watch the shells when I opened the gun back up. I hit myself in the lip slighty and my Dad behind me, oops! They just fly out when you open the gun, and you have to catch them. I only forgot 3 times so it's cool. I'm just glad I did average for my first time and it's good that I'm right-eye dominant too :) The best shots were when I exploded the clay (called an eye-pleaser) or you just obliterate them. Usually when I hit them it was either that or I nicked the back/side or nothing at all. I look forward to returning. Maybe if I'll have time I'll come back on Thursday, as that's when they tend to meet. After that he'll take me to 'the property' and he'll show my how to work a pistol. Look out, I'm armed and dangerous (Just kidding!). :)

Liz and Kyle's Wedding

This weekend I took part in the wedding of Elizabeth and Kyle on July 16. I am so happy for them. The wedding went super smooth and the reception was an absolute blast! Here are a few pictures for you to see. I'm working on getting the rest of the pictures and the video I made up and working in my yahoo briefcase. It's there, but something is not working right, as it only worked yesterday. Maybe the server is down. Anyhoo, I'll keep you posted.

Bridesmaids

Liz and Kyle's Wedding

Link to pictures and video.

Online Garage Sale

I have yet more stuff to sell. Check these out on here (North County pick up):

Bookshelf: $10
Armoire: $25

Link here (So. Co. pick up):

Christmas Tree: $30
Brand New 2 Sets Dark Teal Shutters: $50 or $30/set
BOTHBed Frames: $10 SOLD

Also for sale:
BRAND NEW HP Desk Jet Printer 610 (with color and black cartridges): $40
Stain Glass Lamp Cover Blue/White: $20
Stain Glass Lamp Cover Cream/Green: $25
BW TV: $5
Exercise Accessories: $10
5 lb dumbells: $5

Habitat for Humanity

Well today was my first experience as a worker for Habitat for Humanity. We worked on house #11 in Hillsdale area of St. Louis. I helped haul in sheets for the roof, applied clips to the joists/rafters (I think that's what they're called) of the roof. I put on styrofoam insulation (that was most of my day) around the house, assisted with door and window insulation, and helped with cleaning up random scraps at the end of the day. During my first 'mission' I noticed a huge problem with alignment of the clips on the opposite side I was working on, and helped saved the house from an alignment disaster :) Overall it was a very good experience. I felt like I was doing something for the community rather than lounging around on my normal Saturday routine. You should try it some time. You learn a ton about home construction, and you can be as experienced or not in order to participate. Best of all you help less fortunate families to have a place to call home. :)

I lost it

Today I lost my 'it.' Ok, well maybe not 'that' it. I'm talking about the first time reading a romance novel. My friend Kate is addicted to these things and I wanted to see what all the hype was about. I bought a book back during teacher discount days called "Shared Dream." It had a good little story line to it that kept me interested. I'm not sure I enjoyed the need for the couple to copulate every chance she could squeeze it in the novel, but I guess that's expected out of these things. It wasn't too cheesy except for the words 'taut' and 'captured her lips' were used a little too often for my taste.

I couldn't stand the myriad of typos either. There was always an extra space next to a certain phrase and one went so far as to completely change the name of the 'heroine's' dog from Specter to Spencer. I heard that companys put typos in books to keep track of unlawful copying. I'm not sure how that works, but can't they hide some graphic error somewhere besides the story? I thought the editor's job was to catch these things. I guess I just expect a professional product from something sold on the market as such. This isn't the first book in which I've noticed this phenomenon, so maybe it is true.

High School Poetry

I lost most of the poems I wrote in high school, but a few from my sophomore lit. class survived and for some reason I thought I'd humiliate myself by including them here. FYI I'm only incluing the ones my teacher liked.

Haiku

The elegant horse
gracefully trotting along
with following foal.

Copyright ©2005 Amy M. Bauer

Disappearing Act

The clouds rolling by in
a whirlwind of thrust.
See them spin
for by force they must.

Babies tremble,
Mothers cry out.
Fathers nearby
have fear and they doubt.

No house will survive,
No place left to lie.
Cities- Desolate,
Countries- Destroyed.

Nothing left,
but one broken toy.
-Death, at the
end of life.

Copyright ©2005 Amy M. Bauer

Keepsake

An inner warmth surrounds my heart
whenever I think of him.
The smell of leather where we worked together,
and his towel as a pillow for my chin.

When I think of horses,
it reminds me of the time,
The great laughter spent,
and the chatting that went,
before we said goodbye.
I believe that I love him,
though I don't know why.

Something between us was shared,
which cannot be compared
to any other good friend of mine.

Copyright ©2005 Amy M. Bauer

Self I.D.

When I see
the pavement gray,
I fall.

The clouds roll
inside me, watch
I pray.

Stop the madness
show me the light!
Oh do you see
the misery?

Try release the cage
made by the hands
of you and me--
my self i.d.

How long now
the torment stained,
lost hope.

I'll never
swim downstream,
feel life gained.

Stop the madness
show me the light!
Oh do you see
the misery?

Try release the cage
made by the hands
of you and me
my self i.d.

Copyright ©2005 Amy M. Bauer

This is a poem turned to song that I wrote in high school. For some reason I felt like I needed to play/sing it today.

Twisted

You unknowingly weave me into your web of lies
spinning tales of supposed friendship and love.
I feel like everywhere there are vindictive spies
waiting for the right time to make their shove.

At what point did I start allowing myself to be overcome
by shallow-minded individuals looking out only for their number one?
I once knew who I was and stood my ground,
yet now it's as if I am trapped -- and bound.

Bound by the mistakes that I have made
hopelessly in love that is manipulatively portrayed
by his empty words and false hope
that one day we may tie that rope.

Is there a solution, a light, a guiding hand
to lead me out of the depths in which I currently stand?
Pray God show me the way for I have been torn,
twisted and ruined by those who love to verbally scorn.

I'm finding it difficult to step-aside and let them play their game,
and I am SICK -- of the men looking out for an easy score!
What happened to all the 'good' men
who treated women with respect and good rapport?

I don't believe they even exist
not, at least, on the 'single list.'
Love me for who I am and not how I look
and don't think you know me like an open book!

There's more to this girl than meets the eye
and maybe if you stop blowing smoke, then you'd get a chance to see
my tender, loving, intelligent, and remarkable inner beauty.

Copyright ©2005 Amy M. Bauer

Make Poverty History

Today I was watching HBO and stumbled upon a movie for which I have seen previews. It was very moving to me as I thought of my own struggles in life and how much I really do have that improvrished nations do not. I think sometimes, what if I had been born in Africa as part of one of the millions of families who are severely poor? We are so lucky as Americans to have as much as we do. During a professional development meeting, the presenter posted a list of statistics. It was based on the fact that if you took 100 people out of the world, how many people would have a computer, a car, a degree, a home etc. It's amazing to me that I have all those things, and I still complain about my student loans or barely getting by in life. I would have been most likely dead at the age of 5 had I been born somewhere in Africa. I would probably have AIDS or some debilitating disease. I do not know the detailed political solutions that may be available, but I urge you to see the movie on HBO called "The Girl in the Cafe" and to check out this iMovie on making poverty history.

Go here to voice your support of the G8 summit meeting. I did not realize this, but there is 1 day until this meeting on which global poverty will be discussed. If you support abolishing poverty, I suggest you visit this site today.

The One Declaration

WE BELIEVE that in the best American tradition of helping others help themselves, now is the time to join with other countries in a historic pact for compassion and justice to help the poorest people of the world overcome AIDS and extreme poverty. WE RECOGNIZE that a pact including such measures as fair trade, debt relief, fighting corruption and directing additional resources for basic needs – education, health, clean water, food, and care for orphans – would transform the futures and hopes of an entire generation in the poorest countries, at a cost equal to just one percent more of the US budget. WE COMMIT ourselves - one person, one voice, one vote at a time - to make a better, safer world for all.”

Happy 4th of July Weekend!

Well the weekend's here enough in my book. I'm getting ready for the float trip tommorow. I can't wait! My school check came just when I needed it the most (too bad taxes took WAY too much; I'm going to start claiming 1. This is ridiculous!) so I could buy supplies. I cleaned the house today, did my interview with Weekends Only (btw their sale is pretty decent, you should check it out.)

I'm still out looking for a p.t. job. Dillards called me today from Galleria so I'm going to stop by tommorow and apply there. I'll have to wait on the reference check at Weekends Only. And maybe the Dillards at Chesterfield will call me sometime soon as Clinique referred me to 'another dept'. Until then, I'm busy orgainizing, participating in weddings, reading, sleeping etc. I can't believe I only have 1 1/2 months left of break :( I still have to stain the deck! EEK!

Well gotta run. Anyone have plans for Monday? Call/email me. I'd like to see some fireworks and hang out with friends :)

Craig's List

I still cannot get enough of Craig's List. Have you ever checked out the "Rants and Raves" or "Lost Connections?" I was randomly checking it out today for fun. I'm usually looking at random job postings or housing postings etc. But I just love this site, and best of all it's ad free and cost free. I hate free sites, but then they have a million pop-up sites, viruses, and spy-ware to last a life time. I don't remember who told me about this site, but I love it, and it's all over the world too!

Your opinion counts :)

A quote I felt compared to list here is below:

"If you let something go, and it comes back to you, is yours."
"If you let someone go, and he/she comes back to you, then they're' yours'"

Agree or disagree with this statement(s) and explain why.

P.T. Job search continues

Today I had my interview with Clinique. I think they were really interested in hiring me. There was one major snag though. I would be required to do two training sessions a year, during the week days. These are three days long, and I only am allowed 2 personal days. I felt it wise to inform them of my current job's (and career) policies and they said they would forward my application to another department in which my availalbility would be more conducive to both positions.

I've decided not only to find a summer position, but to attempt to continue this throughout the school year. Jamin, in a comment from last entry, spoke of making 'sacrifices' to then be prosperous later on, of which I must agree. I think my sacrifice will be of personal free time and using that to earn more money to continue to successfully pay off my debt. I personally feel this works better for me than trying to move in with the parental units (whenever that would occur). I figure rather than 'giving up' going out and having fun through various entertainment means, and sitting around at home entertaining myself through books or movies etc, I'd rather work and have something productive to do. This would not only help relieve my financial burdens but I could also meet new people while working and thus earn more income.

I did work at the Gap during the school year last year and it worked out perfectly until my hours were increased to 25 per week, 5 days in a row, all closing. I couldn't keep up with that amount of time and still survive mentally and physically. I requested less hours, and they told me to be patient as they were making new hires, but 1.5 months of 60-70 hours a week was just too much to handle whereas before I only worked weekends and the shift times varied still allowing for some semblance of a social life. I hope my endeavors work for the best. I pray that my interview on Thursday is more successful (only a weekend job) and that perhaps even with Clinique forwarding my application to another department, perhaps that can work out too. Wish me luck.

Since then, I've decided to withdrawl from my candy concession endeavors. I know I only tried it once, on a not-so-normal concert venue. But I can't leave to chance only making 15% commission with $3 per candy item. I made a whole $7.35 for five hours of work last Tuesday, and I can't see that as being a productive use of my time, despite any cool concerts I might happen to see/hear along the way. I was really excited about Clinique, and I'm disappointed about the training requirement only occuring on weekdays, but there's nothing I can really do about. They sounded like a very cool company to work for, and I know I would have had a lot of fun helping people with their cosmetic needs.

"Getting the Shaft"

Ok, most students know or at least should have heard about the fact that student loan interest rates are going up 2% to 5.30% on July 1, 2005. If you didn't know this, you might want to look into consolidation to lock your rates, especially if they are variable.

Anyway, I was looking into consolidation and am very discouraged by the following points that should have helped me out. Because of varying factors as described below, I cannot receive any benefit whatsoever to help me pay these stupid things off any faster!

1. Once you consolidate your student loans, you cannot reconsolidate (as in refinancing your house or car) in order to get lower interest rates. I'd like to know why I can save by refinancing on my car, home etc, but not on my student loans. Anyone?

This leaves me with an interest rate that is only 2 points away from my home mortgage. How SAD is that! Had I taken a small loan for those classes at Forest Park, perhaps I could have enjoyed a better reconsolidation interest rate. DARN the luck! :(

2. Mohela offers a teacher reward bonus for ever year you are a f.t. teacher.

This could have saved me about 2-3% in interest every year. BUT in the teeny tiny fine print at the bottom it states: 'This does not apply to consolidated loans.' ARGH!

3. The government offers teachers a $5,000 loan forgiveness program if you choose to teach in a low-income school for 5 years.

BUT the kicker is that you have to have only received loans starting at 1998 OR started school in 1998. This means I missed the boat just because I was two years older.

4. Mohela is offering a pay-off incentive (for new consolidators) that involves giving you an approximate $1,500 principal reduction under the condition that you make your first 15 months payments on time.

You guessed, it this does not apply to preexisting consolidated loans. Once again, not fair. (Yes I do realize that everything in life is not fair, but this is my blog, and I have the right to rant, ok?)


Why is it that current persons in pay-off of their loans or students who are older, get the shaft with all these new government incentives? I was already shafted because of my parents' income when applying for student loans! This prevented me from getting subsidized loans because they made too much money despite that I covered 95% of my college expenses. I couldn't get subsidized until my parents were nice enough to take me off their "dependant list" (for their taxes) during graduate school. This is also despite the fact that I lived continually at my university for 2.5 years without living or residing at my parents' home. How can I be dependant when I don't even live there?! UGH! I saw 2k/year of their ginormous income of which somehow the government decided they were 'supposed' to be able to afford 12-14k for my tuition each year. How does that work, they have bills too you know!

I'm not saying all parents or my parents even were expected to pay for my school, but I am saying the government should not base a students' loan opportunities based on parental income that may or may not even be applied to their sons/daughters' tuition. There should be some way the government should track or verify how much the parents in fact do offer their child (if able), so that the loans can be given out accordingly. Therefore if a parent who makes 14k a year at poverty level obviously can't afford their child's tuition, that student should be have subsidized options. But if a parent makes say 100k a year but, for example, offers merely $500 a year to their child, and the Child (I prefer student) makes up the difference, then that should also be taken into consideration.

My income during college was about 5k per year, including either summer jobs or working part-time during my last three years. I'd like to know how/why the government thinks I can easily pay that off just because my parents are doing well for themselves and paying their debts and bills. In addition, I'm a teacher two years behind the new loan forgiveness incentive. Why am I getting shafted because I knew the profession was in need (and chose it as my profession), before they decided to do something to help those also interested? We all know teachers DO NOT even come close to having comparable salaries to people with similar educational backgrounds. I have two degrees and make less than 40k while a couple friends of mine might (might is the key word) have an associate's degree and make 75k? How is that comparable?

We are teaching the children of the future. Without teachers, the world would be a conglomeration of very unintelligent and possibly unproductive human beings. There would not be doctors, nurses, lawyers, dept store managers etc etc. For the longest time I was even embarrassed to tell anyone I was going into music education because even my parents thought I was 'out of my mind' and wouldn't even find a job. While they were mislead by rumors from their generation, I still think somewhere something has to change. I can barely get by, and that is with a roommate at age 28. Sometimes I have to grovel with my parents for help. I should be past this by now, shouldn't I? I hate having this constantly trapped feeling over these loans.

My parents when they were 21 were married and I was on the way. I'm not even close to being able to completely afford (with any security) my loans, car payments, rent, bills etc. I live check to check hoping that everything works out each month. How could I even afford a child? No wonder society is starting to take its time in the childbearing department! All the X generation kids are still kids themselves, forced into high-interest loans that won't be paid off until the year 2030 (ex.) The only people I know my age who are well off (or ok) are those geniuses with 30 or above on their ACT, or those people whose parents paid their loans for them.

Come on government, help us GenX people out! We're barely making it in this economy let alone with such little help for our CURRENT (not new) student loans. We are productive members of society hoping for a light in the dark tunnel that is student loans and the world of debt.

Disclaimer: I do not take any specific amount of time rewrite, revamp or edit what I write. This is a blog/ a journal; not a professional news casting website. While I feel guilty about not completely editing my writing, sometimes I just don't feel like it, and would rather focus on the meaning behind the words, rather than the specific details of how precisely it is written. :) Yes, I do have a formal, professional writing style. I've even written an A-grade thesis for my profession, but I choose to keep this personal and filled with the emotions and thoughts as they come to me.Thanks for reading, stop by anytime, and feel free to comment.

Busy Weekend

Wow, I had so much going on this weekend it was unbelievable. I'm still trying to recover from all the lost sleep. Friday I was in fact able to go see Over the Rhine. It was very awesome, and even moving at times. Their music really speaks to me. This year we were lucky to even have seats, which was just fabulous.

Saturday I prepared for Liz's bachorette party, and then we headed to West Port Plaza for the events of the evening. We headed to Marciano's for dinner. I had never been there, but it's a really nice Italian Restaurant. We then returned to the hotel to toast Liz to her engagement and upcoming wedding. We then visited America's Pub and Margarita Mama's. I was very impressed with how well-behaved and respectful the men were for the evening. Usually I have bad luck at those places. None-the-less I made boquet of suckers for Liz ("suck for a buck" idea), and the boys we found bought her about $45 in drinks and then her brunch afterwards. I can't believe how successful it was. Afterwards we went back to the hotel and watched our movies as part of the package deal we purchased. Needless to say, "Miss Congenialty 2" was poor (and I'm a fan for cheesy movies) so we all went to the other room and watched "The Wedding Date," which was pretty good.

Sunday I woke up early and headed to church. I finally set a date to meet with my DLT coach and we had a good talk over lunch about various things in my walk with God. I was very relieved to hear that a lot of people go through the same thing I do. I guess because I don't have many close Christian friends, I don't really have the chance to sit down and chat one-on-one about struggles and challenges in my attempts to improve my walk with God. I'm sure I babbled and talked about stories that might not have been completely pertinant to our discussion, but they were all things I had questions about regarding my faith and walk. Basically I need the most work on consistency: sticking with my goals to go to church regularily and not beat myself up if I miss it, but to make sure I get back up and continue going.

I guess that's a problem many of us face when trying to reach goals. You are so 'gung-ho' about making it happen in the beginning and one little snag can completely throw you off track. It applies to just about everything in life from trying to exercise regularily or quit at bad habit at new years etc. I just hope that I can make little goals which lead to the main goals I would like to focus on. More importantly, I need to stay with it, even if I fumble here and there. If you are praying type, I could really use prayer on following through, and being consistent (even if in small amounts at first) with my walk with God and even in life.

Outdoor Candy Sales in 91 degrees

Well today was quite the interesting day. I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock buzzing, to then the sound of people knocking on the door to drop off my replacment chest dresser. As I watched them move the furniture, I realized why it was damaged to begin with. They open the drawers to move the items easier, at which point probably broke the already weak (in manufacturing?) cross beam. Tommorow the service person is coming by to replace the tiny plastic thing missing on the dresser, and see if the scratches on the night stand are repairable.

Anyway, after attempting to sleep in longer, I prepared for my work with iCandy, Inc. I was so anxious that I forgot my cellphone and the info paper to the point of having to twice return to my place of orgin. UMB Bank Pavillion is apparently much closer to my house than originally thought, so that was good. I had absolutely no trouble asking about employee parking, and getting in the employee gate without so much as a badge, t-shirt, or list (which they should have had a list) to verify my intent. As I walked toward concessions, I admired the scores of people rocking away to various bands located around the perimeter of the Pavillion. Definitely interesting, I thought.

I arrive at my location, with my food bag and water (THANK GOD I brought that at least, although we do get free drinks and discounted food which is nice). They hand me a t-shirt and set up my tray. I then proceed to attempt to sell candy on a hot, sunny day that is St. Louis. The first half hour I sold a whole $19 worth. Somehow I then managed to only sell $31 in candy for the rest of the day (unless somehow I miscounted somewhere in there, or some was swiped when I wasn't looking). So from 330-830 (900ish) I managed to sell a mere $50 in candy. How sad, I thought! No tips, and barely any commission. Apparently it was a bad day for candy, this is what ALL the vendors said. Normally it's easier since most people are condensed they say, but this go round, people were all over for the concerts. The worst vendor sales was 1 candy bar for 3 hours (WOW!), and the best was the professional at $235 in sales. (Seriously, what is his secret, the scary, old guy look? We couldn't figure it out. I even watched him as I passed and he wasn't doing anything special I thought.) Anyway they asked me on for Friday, which wasn't on the original schedule. Since I have no money to do anything (and I can't go see Over the Rhine because of it :(( I agreed to work to give it another try (maybe).

In the meantime I need some super-duper vending skill suggestions if you have them. Also I'm looking for another job for the summer (to possibly continue on as pt during the school year). Thus far I've applied to: Home Depot, Fragrances, Cosmetics at Galleria and Chesterfield Mall, and I'm going to attempt to get more information about the Gateway Arch positions (I'm booked July 4th weekend so that would be out if it's for Fair St. Louis.) Wish me luck in my vending sales, and finding another job if that doesn't work out!

Summer Yard Work

Ah, good ole summer. Now I know why I have to have summer vacation. I'd never get any of the other stuff done that has to be done when living in a house. Shew! I just spent the whole day mowing the lawn, trimming the trees, bushes, cleaning up the trimmings, and then applying weed killer I bought last year and never had time to spray. It's amazing how much has to be done when you never have time to do it little by little. I felt bad trimming the bushes in the back that were starting to grow their beautiful pink buds, but they were getting to be overgrown. Now I just have to wait for the right time to finally get my deck finished (I was going to restain last year, but there was too much rain when I was free to get it done). Once that's done, my next year/ much later this year goal will be painting the kitchen cabinets. If I have the money then I'll be doing that during Christmas break or I'll just save that for next summer along with the basement and the ceilings. Well, break is over, time to go clean the car! :)

New Certificate

Today I came home and found my new teaching certificate in the mail. I am now certified to teach until the year 2104, provided I continue to do 15 hours of PDC (easily accomplished through any school district, as I had well over 80 hours this year alone.) I guess I'm just putting this good news up here, because it sounds cool, so official :)

Summer Job

I just found a cool summer job! I'm so excited. It's completely different than anything I've ever done and I get to go to music concerts for free! I will working for iCandy Inc. which is a concessions company that sells candy at UMB Bank Pavillion and Savvis Center. I live pretty close to both those places and I can pick and choose the concerts I wish to work. If anyone is interested I'll give you more info, because there are referral bonuses. I'm just so excited I found a fun job and I can make my own schedule! :)

Organizing Galore

Wow I have spent the last 4 days organizing and going through stuff I don't need anymore. While I can say my online garage sale was a failure, I hope that the stuff will sell at the real garage sale on June 25th (not at my place.) I had to have my friend Brie help me to haul the stuff in a truck that's how much stuff I had. From shoes, to phones, to air purifiers, to clothes; I flat out had been holding on to stuff I really didn't need. Some of it even came from the previous owners. You can build up a lot of items over the years. I have continued my usual cleaning out of clothes once a year, but there's always that one something you hold on to as you are not sure you want to give it up yet. This year I tried to hold nothing back as all of the proceeds are going to the church.

Anyway, I finally received my new br set, but to much disappointment. It looks great and I LOVE my new mattress. I'm particularily distressed over the fact that I found 6 scratches on my night stand, my chest dresser totally has to be replaced (as it's broken in two places on the inside), my bed frame: foot rails and foot board were chipped (straight out of the box) and they didn't even put it together all the way on top of that, AND my mirror/dresser is missing a tiny plastic part keeping the drawer from being completely straight. They are coming out I believe on Thursday, but I'm stopping by tommorow to make sure I get everything straightened out. If I'm going to spend this much money they better send me something of quality! Some of this probably happened in shipping or was unnoticed, but still this is very poor service in my opinion. I guess I'm just stressed out that they won't do their job and I'll have to take further action.

I'm also a little down just because I feel like that last person in the known universe (ok well my group of friends) to be married. My family says "you've just been the one to wait for the right guy." True I've had two almost proposals (meaning I stopped them before they could happen), and it's definitely better to be single then married to the wrong person, but still. Maybe I'm just too darned picky. And why is it when I think I've found someone to even have a decent relationship with, then they aren't interested? I guess that's my luck. It's not that I want to be married by say next month or even next year, but hopefully before or around my 30 yr marker. Not to sound dumb but I don't want to push my luck if I decide to have kids, but then am too old to have them. I'm just frustrated, I guess we all go through random frustration stages, and this is mine.

Interesting Recipie

I was looking at recipies on KSDK 5's website. Check this out! What do you think of Spam in a recipie? I haven't had Spam since I was a kid!

Curried Rice and Spam
Thanks to Let's Eat

Yield: 8 to 10 servings.

Ingredients:
2 cups cooked rice
1 cup fresh or frozen peas, cooked
1 cup thinly sliced celery
4 green onions, sliced
1 (12-ounce) can Spam Classic, diced
1 cup mayonnaise
2 tablespoons granulated sugar
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1/2 cup prepared chutney
1 1/2 teaspoons curry powder

Directions:
In a large mixing bowl, combine rice, peas, celery, onions and Spam. In a small mixing bowl, combine mayonnaise, sugar, lemon juice, chutney and curry powder. Add to Spam-and-rice mixture; stir well. Chill before serving.

Music is GOOD for you!

Wendy Erickson from KSDK 5 says great things about music for kiddos!


By Wendy Erikson

Kids are having so much fun, they don't even know they're learning in this music class!

Welcome to Music Together. It's a weekly meeting of mommies, caregivers and kids where everything revolves around music.

They sing, dance and play instruments. The program is open to newborns through 4 year olds.

Music Together was created back in 1987 based on research showing how important music exposure is to young children. It now offers programs around the U.S. and other countries.

Robert Bernstein has a background in music and first discovered the class with his own son. Now he's teaching it at several locations around St. Louis.

The cost is $135 for a 10-week session. For more information call 314-721-1182.

KSDK

Race for the Cure June 18

Race for the Cure is June 18th. Go support your friends and family or join in the fun! I can't go since I'm going to a wedding, but I wanted to support it here on the blog.

The Muny

Anyone interested in going to the Muny! Their premier of Beauty and the Beast is coming up June 20-29!

Get tired of eating the same old thing?

Do you ever find yourself eating the same foods, because they are easy? Maybe you go through a phase where you eat just about the same thing everyday? The other day I went to CostCo. to buy cat litter among other things, and I came out with all sorts of foods just because they were different. I went a little crazy, but for those of you looking for a variety of foods and snacks, here some suggestions (btw these are all low-carb for S.B. diet I just started (again):

Snacks:
Edamame (soy bean pods)
Put them in the microwave for a minute, eat and enjoy
Any type of nut (yum!)
Beef Jerky
Pork Rinds (brand does matter, get the good stuff)
String Cheese
Fresh Mozzerella Balls

Entrees:
Pork Chops
Heat the oven to 350 degrees. Put on the seasonings: salt, pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, italian seasons. 20 minutes later you have food.
Mahi Mahi: Dethaw in warm water for 5 minutes. Marinate in Lemon/ Pepper sauce (get at the store). Broil for 10 minutes (gas stove) and sprinkle on more lemon if you wish.
Chicken Salad (fast method)
Dethaw in microwave. Heat up George Forman Grill, sprinkle on KC Masterpiece Chickent Seasonings and cook for 5-7 minutes (until it's not pink inside). Cut up chicken, and put on Romaine lettuce with cheese (and artichokes if you like 'em). Add dressing of choice.
Southwest Chicken (super fast method)
Use canned (all-white) chicken and add salsa or rotel. Microwave or saute on oven (also goes well with rice and peas.)
Butter Chicken
Dethaw in microwave or warm water. Mix a couple tablespoons of butter with salt, pepper,
garlic powder, onion powder, italian seasonings. Cook in oven for 20 min at 350 degrees.
Sushi (NOT low carb)
Using rice cooker, make sushi rice (can find at Shop n Save). In the meantime cut up in LONG slices as possible: avacado, cucumber (can also use carrot and imitation crab). Put seaweed on bamboo mat. Near the end of the seaweed add a small amount of rice and spread out about 2 inches (thin!). Add the ingredients along the roll in a line. If you like c. cheese, cut it in small long slices. Roll the sushi, and add a bit of water to the end, to ensure it stays closed. Cut into bite, size pieces.
Steak
Thaw steak in warm water. USE A MARINADE OF CHOICE. I have found that marinade can make the difference between an ok steak to a phenomenal steak. I prefer Adolf's Marinade in Minutes. It goes well with everything. I also like Hot n Spicy Allegro Marinade. After 15-30 minutes (or if you really want it juicy do it over night!), grill or broil your steak to desired wellness. Good steaks are London Strip and T-Bone, depends on what you like.
Tuna Salad
Get 1 large or 2 small cans of tuna (all white albacore is good, especially the kind in the packets!). Add MIRACLE WHIP and mustard to taste, one boiled egg (smashed with a fork), celery or a small amount of relish.
Stuffed Peppers
Get any type of pepper you like, green, red, yellow, orange. Cut open the tops and clean out the inside with a spoon. Put 4 of them in boiling water and boil until slightly soft (check with a fork). In the meantime, brown ground meat of choice and season with whatever sounds good: salt, pepper, onion powder, garlic powder, basil, thyme etc. (Tradionally you add coooked rice to the meat when finished, I'm skipping that for low-carb). Add low-carb spaghetti sauce or tomato sauce to meat. Then take peppers and put in a pan that can hold them upright. Add meat/sauce combo to inside of each pepper, and put extra on the outside. Cook for 20 min. at 350. This takes even better if you sort of make it as a 'stew' in a crockpot!

Side Dishes:
Broccoli
Take frozen or chopped fresh broccoli. Add butter, salt, pepper to taste. Microwave for about 2-4 minutes (can also be steamed). Add velveeta for something extra.
Salad
Take a spring mix, spinach, or romaine lettuce. Add chopped pecans or walnuts, feta cheese, and artichokes. I like this with Blackberry Balsalmic Vinigerette. If you want something sweeter (not low carb), take out the artichokes add dry (or fresh) cranberries or blackberries.
There are tons of ways to make salad, I'm just including ONE way that I make it.
Broccoli/ Cauliflower Salad (YUM!)
Take FRESH broccoli and cauliflower, parmesean cheese, miracle whip, and walnuts (can also add real bacon crumbles) and mix it up to taste. GREAT for BBQs.

Dessert:
Cheese cake (not for phase 1):
Take Sugar Free Whip Cream? and Cream Cheese, add half a cup of splenda. Blend with a blender. Put in Graham Cracker Crust (or something like it sugar-free), chill and serve.
Jello and Whip Cream
Sugar Free Pudding Pops! (Yum chocolate)
Sugar Free, low carb Ice Cream
Sugar Free Instant Pudding

Hope that helps you be more creative in the kitchen. Share some fav. recipies if you like. Especially if they are low-carb!