Moving On

This summer has opened up my eyes to a few concerns. I have come to realize some things which will steer me back in a good direction with my life. The first was finding a job that not only fits me, but also the place and the people I work with. This was extreamly elemental in the happiness factor. While I'm not sure that my position on what job I should be doing will always be the same, I am sure moving on to something new was one of the best decisions I could have made for myself. The option of going to nursing school still hasn't left me, mostly now that factor is about money and do I really want more student loans.

The second realization came to me while my doctor forced me to stay home for 5 days. I realized that I needed to be more committed to pursing God in my life. I also realized that I do not give myself enough credit for the things I do for others or for my job. Somewhere I learned to feel that I am a worthless person in every sense of the word. I have no talent, and no one in their right mind could ever really have enjoyed me singing for their wedding or in my recital or playing piano for church. They couldn't ever really enjoy being my friend or really like or love me etc. They were just 'being nice.' I know this to be incorrect, but deep down this is how I feel, therefore I allow people to take advantage of me or I get myself into situations where I am still trying to please others even if I'm not wanting to be in the situation myself. I'm also really bad at taking criticism. Since I'm already extreamly hard on myself, I take things probably more personally than I should even if it's just a matter of small importance. (This part I'm working on: not to take things so personally.)

The third is that I have allowed the continued failure in 'love' relationships to affect who I am. I have allowed these failures to get me so far down in a hole, that it doesn't surprise me that it's hard for anyone to see who I really am. In general, I am a very upbeat, out-going, positive person. I like to avoid gossip, and usually only do so myself when I need advice or I have been offended in some seriously disheartening way at which point I'm probably just venting anyway. I don't know if my parents were really hard on me as a kid (wanting the best I'm sure), but this pattern has been with me since I can remember.

So from now on I am making a conscious decision to return to an emotional place in my life which is healthy, happy and consistent with what I know is better than my state in the past. Once upon a time, I exercised consistently. I did my own thing with music and friends. I made goals and I pursued them. I didn't rely or feel I needed to rely on anyone to make me happy. I won't allow myself to cry at movies because deep down I felt that I would never find love or be happy. I just really don't care anymore. I am weary of worrying what other people think or giving up most of who I am for someone else to siphon me away to the point that I don't even know who I am anymore. I really need to start living for myself, and in doing so I will be happier, healthier, and even probably a better friend to those who have consistently been there for me as a true friend.

So what if this blog is personal. A blog can be anything you want it to be. Will some people laugh or mock me for this post? Probably. But I really don't care because I'm going to start living for me, on my terms, in my way. This is the person I've known myself to be, but somehow I derailed after college graduation and have gone in the opposite direction all over stupid events. I took failures personally rather than really rising above them and learning from them as much as I could have. And I believed less in the successes that I had, blaming them on luck or God's will. Regardless, I refuse to allow myself to be played by people's games either emotionally, physically or whatever. I don't need that in my life anymore, and I'm letting it go. (Ah what a relief to say that, like a huge weight has been lifted.)