Random Thoughts!

YEAH! I passed my WE certification! It is really hard not to be nervous in trying to remember everything that one needs to go through to meet all their standards, but I passed. I even did well on the computer test, which was really killing me earlier when I had to miss an hour of training.

On the way home from Fairview Heights, I couldn't help but see the giant neon sign, three hundred parking lot lights, and strobe lights for "Hollywood." If anyone has even been close to or on Rt. 3 you know exactly to what kind of establishment I refer. I was very disgusted by the fact that there were quite a good deal of cars parked in the lot (on a Thursday during happy hour to at least 9pm) as well as the establishment across from it. Before, I simply went to appease the group of people or person that I accompanied.

Since I've had time away from that life, and to start thinking about myself again I remembered something. Oh yeah, I didn't really care for them (these establishments) then, and I really don't care for them now. If I must be up past 3 and still want to be out, I'd rather choose the Oz or Pops. I am very much out of the going crazy phase of my life. Being so crazy I'm sure has kept me from going to church, getting the sleep I need, and or losing any type of weight from all the calories beverages incur. I really won't miss it at all! It was decent while it lasted, but I won't miss certain stressors that could also come with that. I would mention them, but I'd rather say relatively nice things, than say anything at all.

I realize that am happy to be "officially" single. I didn't realize how caught up I was in feeling like I had to take care of a certain someone, until I remembered "Hey I'm a person with needs too and I'm an accomplice to these actions so long as I stay in the situation." (While that may seem obvious to most of you, it's a little more difficult than it sounds if you a. are in love and b. you're a girl, taking care of people is practically built in (at least in my genes since I was the oldest.)

While it will be a strange experience as I really haven't been single for long since my college graduation, maybe 1-2 months tops (this means no dating of any kind), I am welcoming it with open arms. I'm doing my own thing. I'm working out, I'm finding new hobbies, I'm getting more invovled with my current position, I acquired a weekend position to make sure I can get some bills paid off sometime before the end of this century, and I am doing things for ME.

ME, ME ME! It feels wierd being this way, but I'd have to say I feel happier and healthier than I've been in a long time. I'm a more positive, upbeat person and I'm just generally a lot more outgoing. (Yeah look out, if you thought I was too 'happy' before, wait till you see me now. I almost feel like I did in high school when I'd be in a good mood sometimes no matter what was happening around me.) My attitude is this, you only have once to live. Why do I want to live in depression, lonliness, or emptiness because of whatever? You do know staying in that mode is a choice right (unless you have the 'disease' and your chemicals are off)? I am choosing this for myself and it works! I can either choose to be snappy with my students if they push me to the limit or I can find ways to be positive with them to encourage better behavior rather than bringing more attention to the behavior that disrupts their learning. I can choose to mope around the house and be all depressed or whine to friends about how depressed I am, or I can get out there and do my thing and have fun with my friends and keep up with everyone's experiences.

I am so excited about this. I don't know if it's the full moon or what! Maybe I finally let God in just enough to do what He's been working on for years, I don't know. But I feel it! I finally feel full. I feel complete, on my own, without thinking I need to lean on someone for my happiness. Ok I knew these things before, I just didn't feel them. There is a BIG difference ok, for all those people who have every thing figured out and are laughing at me because you think I lacked common sense. Has nothing to do with it. I allowed my emotions to take control of what I knew to be the right direction to go in life. I chose the easy route. Then I took the hard way for a while, which really wasn't that bad looking back on it. Now I feel like I'm on easy street again on this time I'm happier, healthier, and flat out more sure of myself. If I do feel lonely, bored, depressed I have tons of friends to call on. I could even visit my family, read a book, work out, play Classic NES games, whatever. Thanks for praying for me if you did because it's working. I promised I wouldn't go back on my decision, and I'm still on the right road and I will keep it that way. :)

P.S. The typos and sentance structures are killing me too, but I refuse to make time to edit. ;)