5 Stages of Change

I have been doing some serious soul-searching beginning with the time my dr. forced me to take off work for a week. It has led me closer to God, and ultimately I believe (although I'm still not the best at being consistent in church), led me closer to myself and toward figuring out what I want out of life. It has taken me five years, and many painful, risk-taking and also exciting experiences for me to reach the point where I am at this moment. I know I repeat that a lot,"... for me to reach where I am today" etc, but it's true. With each experience or decision, I take time to reflect and analyze because it's simply part of my personality. Each step of the journey's purpose and meaning becomes more clear, usually after the fact, but none-the-less, I see why certain things have to happen. Sure, there are some things I'd love to 'take back,' 'rewind,' or 'do-over' in my life, but one can't learn without making mistakes.

I have found that change definitely does NOT come easy. I have had to make some very difficult changes lately. It has forced me to experience pain, depression, anger, distress (maybe I should just describe the steps of grieving here?) but I know these things are temporary and I allow them because I know they are for a good purpose. For a while now, I have known about a certain set of decisions that I needed to choose in order to ultimately change and become a better person for it. A particular decision that I have made quite recently has been emotionally gut-wrenching for me. I have been in denial, depression, anger, and most certainly bargaining. I'd say I've been wavering in and out of the 5 stages for quite some time now. I think perhaps I have finally reached the acceptance stage of what I knew to be as the "following through" aspect of this change. While I'm still wavering in feeling, I am set on what I have chosen, and I intend to follow through.

This decision will affect a few people either negatively or positively; however I feel the positive outweighs the negative here. While I can't say that I won't have a slip on my 'follow-through' and mentally lapse toward my intention to change, I must and absolutely must remain firm. I must pledge to myself every day to see this (and other) decisions through. Will it be painful? Yes. Will it be rough? Yes. Will I want to change my mind at some point? Most certainly. But will I allow myself to fail on my follow through for this decision? Absolutely not! I can't say that certain happenings would be impossible to occur, only that I know that at this stage in my life, I won't allow it. I am following through with my pledge to myself, being selfish on this one through and through for once, because that is the only way I know how to make this work.

God, I really feel I made the right choices here. For once in my life, maybe I actually stopped to listen to you rather than rattle off my woes. I'm not sure for this to be exact, but I know that you will support me and will guide me to where I need to go from here. You will hold my hand and keep me strong in this difficult emotional time. I am not alone. You are with me always. I also have friends and family who love and care for me, and will offer their hand if I start to slip. But I feel, that I will not slip, for You are with me. You will fill me with your love so that I do not want and feel empty inside.