So that's it folks!

It hasn't quite sunk in yet, but I am finally DONE with school. I won't be expanding on the degree just yet, and I'm currently done for at least a while. I attended the pinning ceremony today, and I thought it was crass to give us the 'old' left over pins rather than using the new pins with the new seal of the college. It's like the classes that are graduating around this time are getting the left overs. We had left over supplies to practice with, and an old building with old labs and equipment.

The pinning was held at the new school, and I just thought it totally unfair to have been given the left overs through out my experience. Many of my classmates felt that our last class was almost worthless. We had a lot of busy work to do, and it feels like we are 'dumber' for have taken it. What about preparing us for boards? Doesn't that count for something? Forcing me to do 700 practice questions maybe be helpful, but it would be good to have an actual lecture that would pump us up and make us feel confident and prepared for what is coming up in about 6 weeks.

It's just all very sad. I should feel happy and excited like I accomplished something. They don't even give us a graduation or allow our parents to come to the pinnin. At the ceremony they said, we were the first to have our pinning ceremony at the negw school, but we are the last class that will have to wait until May to "walk" at graduation. On top of that, we'll have to PAY to go to our own graduation (and get a whole 2 tickets) it's just ridiculous. I'm not sure that I'll go, it's not like I don't already have two other degrees.

I'm just disappointed. I have a huge hurtle to jump through before I'm completely done, and I'm not sure I feel anymore prepared now than I did having not taken this last class at all :(

Another Trader Joe Favorite

Want a new, healthy recipe from Trader Joe's?

Buy one package:

Trader Joe's Harvest Grains Blend
Trader Joe's Crumbled Feta with Mediterranean Herbs
Trader Joe's Firm Tofu
Trader Joe's Organic Vegetable Broth (or Chicken Broth)
2 pieces of 1 clove of garlic

Directions:
Cook half a package of the Harvest Grains as directed on package using butter and broth.
Meanwhile cut the tofu in squares to amount desired, and marinate in the broth.
Fry tofu in pan using left over broth marinade and 2 pieces of clove of freshly ground garlic. (I also added a dash of oregano and majorum for the heck of it.)
Once grains are done, add tofu, and then add half a package of the feta cheese (you may want to chop up the big crumbles before putting them in.)
Stir together and enjoy!!!! Serves 2-3 if used as main entree.

Other ideas: use as a side dish (serves 4-5)

This stuff is a addictive, so have an empty stomach before you eat! YUMMY!!!!!

Forget Manic Mondays

I've decided that Mondays really shouldn't be called "Manic Monday." It's really more like: "Ambiguous, tired and what the H*&^ happened to my sleep last night Monday." Seriously, I really do hate Mondays. I wouldn't mind just skipping on over to Friday already or even December 20th for that matter. What in the world were the Pilgrims thinking with this mega work ethic thing. The Europeans have it grand with all their super-long lunch hours and what not! UGH! It's more like "It's just another crabby Monday."

My third decade

Whether I wanted it or not, I reached my third decade of life this last week. Personally I don't feel any different, but I can tell you I did not expect to be where I am in life as I am now. I don't know if it's the 30 blues or the fact that none of my friends were able or interested in doing anything this last weekend. It makes me feel sad. I know that I have not been as available, and the idea of having 'free' time is weird to me. I do know that I have made an effort to keep in touch where possible, but why is it that an effort is not so much made in return? I might be just about ready to finish my third degree, but that doesn't mean I've disappeared!

Is this because I'm one of the few single people left? Is it because their husbands are more important than celebrating with the girls? I understand family obligations or work snafus, but whatever the excuse, it's just an excuse.

At least I enjoyed a few nice nights out with Eric. We tried to enjoy Six Flags the weekend before, but I guess everyone thought the same thing we did, and we rode 5-6 rides in about 7 hours (it was sad!!!) My family took me out as well, and I anxiously await my present coming in the mail (YEAH!).

I just miss the close friendship bonds I guess. No one wants to talk anymore like we used to, they're too busy to keep up friendships with the girls. I don't get it. "Back in the day" you didn't go an hour without talking to your friends. I guess being older is different? I don't understand why it has to be this way. I guess people are just really busy, because I know in some cases that is true. But there are others who are notorious for not calling back and saying they will go somewhere and then don't. Well I'll repay that then and we'll call it even?

Anyway, I said where I am now wasn't what I hoped for. I didn't expect to constantly be concerned about my job being cut. It seems so common now, it's like old news, and it seems the only way to survive is to just give up and give in. I'm not sure why this is though, and it's frustrating to no end. I feel frustrated and confused. I feel stuck. I want to go forward and while I'm doing so in my third degree, it just seems like everything else is frozen; maybe I just need to hit the restart button and pretend it never happened.

You want to know what thirty feels like, at least for me? One word: BLAH!

Wow!

I'm too busy to write anything in particular, but this little girl is amazing!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKKQCyfjo4E

Here's the finale:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYVXN7gk5W0

Pavarotti joins the angels in heaven today

Pavarotti died today from complications related to pancreatic cancer. It is said that his last words were:

"I believe that a life lived for music is an existence spent wonderfully."

Take a moment and just listen.

Midnight and Moonlight

School has begun (both of them), and things are going well. It's so wierd actually having weekends free again. Granted, they are every other weekend, but seriously, I didn't have more than a weekend here or there for about 8 months. Every other weekend just feels like I'm on vacation. It's NICE! Almost there!

Anyway, I've realized some pretty sad info that's not new. There are MANY poor abandoned kitties in the city of St. Louis. Two have decided to figure out my schedule and know when I will be home to feed them. One of them is maybe 6 months, the other older. I've named them Moonlight (for the black and white kitty) and Midnight (for the black kitty) yesterday. Midnight is scared of me, but Moonlight comes right to my door and waits for me. Cosetta was not amused last night when Moonlight tried to get in the house (which would not be good.)

If I take them to the Humane Society, they will most likely be euthanized, so what can I do but feed them. I used to be in the Cat Network, but they are always booked and I've already tried that route one other time.

Anyway, I'm not writing about anything of consequence. Just really writing to write. Later.

I'm a Mac Girl now!

I'm SO excited. Yesterday I purchased the last MacBook Pro (of the one I wanted) supposedly in the St. Louis area. I saved a ton buying on tax-free weekend and using my education discount (and let's not forget all the rebates I'll get in the mail too). Today I just figured out how to go wireless, very exciting. I'm well-versed in using a Mac for my job, but I've never had one of my very own. It will be interesting learning all the technical stuff, because I'm used that being done for me, but I welcome the challenge. Next up is figuring out how to make my printer and maybe even my stereo wireless with my airport :)

Talk about how much I still have to learn, when I first started this baby up, I hunted down all the driver disks for my PC stuff that I still use. Turns out, I don't even need them! That's how much better a mac is! Let's also talk about how my sales rep told me not to bother with the virus software, why? because MACS ARE BETTER!

I'm SO happy to be joining the Mac world. First I had o-t-j software training, next came the video IPOD I won, now FINALLY I have my very own :)

Almost done

Well it is unfortunate that summer (for me) is coming to a close. Summer is a cherished time where I have the freedom to choose what I want to do with no actual obligation to do anything specific. While I'd love to say I usually do nothing specific, I think I've only had 1 summer since college that I literally did nothing, no work, no classes, well maybe I worked on the house but that's about it. This summer marks the close of about a month's worth of extra work for some $$, and the completion of 'the big 2' as I call them. What's the big 2? Well those are the classes that usually kill a students' progress where I attend. But I made it, and with flying colors.

I cannot believe how fast the summer has flown. I really hope that this Fall does the same. I have one semester left, and then boards. It seems like eons ago when I was pulling my hair out and nothing was going right in any facet of my life. Now here I am, the beginning of a new year and hopefully the end of a 1 1/2 year journey to complete another degree. It's interesting how the actual new year does not seem to mean as much or bring about as much emotion, as does the beginning of a new school year. Maybe it's because I've been in school all my life, literally.

Here's to all the crazy people like me who work and go to school to improve their situation in life. Cheers!

Just saying hello

Well for those of you who for some strange reason like to read my random ramblings du jour, I just wanted to let you know that many of the issues I've been facing have passed or cooled down. I've felt like I was on vacation this last week because almost absolutely nothing of significance occurred. The holiday was nice, and one of my classes were canceled so I really had time to just 'take it easy' without going somewhere or doing something kinda vacation (or studying for tests).

Other than test stress, I've really been enjoying my clinical/class experiences this summer. I feel like many of the things that I've been learning are coming together, and various procedures and techniques are starting to feel easier and less awkward. Even my instructors are saying that I'm doing really well clinically, which is awesome in my book! Today my teacher jokingly said I should be the instructor after I had helped another student with a question she didn't know (only because she works at another location and things are different there.) I said thanks, but I just knew the answer because it was something I asked about last weekend from an employee... so there ya go.

I could always use prayers on passing the theory component of these 2 courses, so keep those going! I'm ALMOST done with my summer session. I'm VERY excited to be nearing the last few weeks of these courses. After that, I'm not going to school for a month! YEAH, four weekends off in a row!

God be with me, because really need to do well in these courses. 3 more weeks left!

After the month break, I should hopefully be DONE, I said D-O-N-E in 16 weeks! Please keep those prayers going, because I will need ALL the help I can get!

Yum, Cheesy Potatoes

Cheesy Potato Recipie: YUM, YUM




2 lb bag frozen potatoes (hash brown type only cubed
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
1/2 chopped onions
1 lb sour cream
1 cream of chicken soup can
2 cups of sharp cheddar cheese
1/2 cup butter

Melt the butter and mix all ingredients together. Back for 1 hour at 350 degrees. You can also half everything to make less of a party sized serving.

Breast Cancer Petition

There is a bill out there wanting to make insurance companies cover a minimum 48 hour hospital stay for those women who need it following a mastectomy. It is a very important bill! Go to this website and add your name to the petition.

I'm moving... again

Well, it looks like I'm going to moving... again. This time I'm moving to another state. It'll be a bit of drive to work, but most of it will be against traffic. If any of my St. L friends out there are available Sat., August 3rd just to help load the truck, I would truly appreciate your help. I'm going to arrange for help unloading at the new destination with other friends so no one except a few will be doing both. Wish me luck!

Current River Float Trip

Alley Spring Mill

Part of the Alley Spring

This last weekend Eric and I went to Emminence, MO and completed our annual canoe trip vacation. This year we went on the Current River from Round Spring Landing to Two Rivers Landing. One thing about floating near the springs, was that we noticed the water was VERY cold in those areas. It made for a brisk, invigorating swim. For the most part, it was a nice day until it decided to rain for about 20 minutes, but for whatever reason I found it to be the most funny thing ever. It was really a blast! Not to hot, not to cold and just enough sun. I forgot to put sunscreen on my legs so I have a nice random, patchy sunburn on my legs and little square on my feet from my sandals.

This year we wanted to do something special, try something different, and also be a little bit lazy. We stayed at Coldwater Ranch in one of the luxury cabins, complete with full kitchen, linens, a/c, fireplace, and best of all a Jacuzzi tub. It was VERY nice. The fire ring was already loaded with wood, and we had plenty more set up for us on the side. They even provided a gas or charcoal grill for use.

On Sunday, we went horseback riding and then visited two springs. Last year we visited the round spring and blue spring, so now it's a tradition. This year we visited Alley Spring and the Rocky Falls, both equally cool. We learned that 81 million gallons of water run through the Alley Spring and that Rocky Falls is a formation made from an old volcano. Normally the water would run deeper through the rock, but this particular rock is harder than the usual volcano rock.

While all places posted no vacancy signs, we found it interesting that in parts it seemed we basically had the river all to ourselves. It was very calming and relaxing. I have way more pictures, but I'm including four for your viewing pleasure. If you want to be in the outdoors, but don't like dealing with the hassle of camping, this is the way to go. It was most beneficial as it started raining again by the time we arrived home. The whole starting a fire in the rain, was a non issue. It was nice to say the least. I would go back to Coldwater any day. Maybe next time I'll invite more friends (who like their a/c) to join us in the bigger cabins in the future.

Cabin Jacuzzi

Rocky Falls

The tide is turning

Slowly but surely the tide is turning. The storm is letting up just enough for me to breathe, and I am taking in as much air as I can. I'm not in the clear just yet, but yes things are improving.

Finally!

No, I have not done my research on this person, but I have seen this video. I will probably offend someone, but I am downright tired of being told what I am going to do rather than actually having a choice about it! (Yes, I do vote.)

Who am I?

I'm looking in the mirror and I don't even recognize myself. Where have I been for the last year? I feel like I just woke up from a coma. Will I be able to repair the damage that I have caused in 'my absence?' I'm listening to people's discussions, and I seriously don't remember 90% of anything, and then it hit me a couple of weekends ago.

Who was I for 9 months? Why I am just now waking up? I'm confused!

Serenity Prayer

I only have the first part memorized, but I really could use it about now. Keep those prayers going, I'm really in some sticky places.

Here I go again

Well I guess I got to be on the top of the roller coaster yesterday, and I was also most of today until about 300 pm. Can I get off the ride now? I am about to be sick. Actually I take that back, I became sick after the news today.

Prayers, I really need some prayers. I know life is not about security, and it sure aint about serenity, but just for once I need a little bit. Not just for a day, but at least the rest of the year would be nice or something.

Seriously, it does get better right?

RECYCLE I SAY!

Did you know that since I have started recycling, I have hardly any trash that gets thrown away? Really! My trash hardly ever is full so now I have to remember to empty it for the stink factor. If I had a compost, I would have even less trash.

Apparently the main thing I use is plastic and paper, but the top winner is plastic. Did you know that in order to make plastic, manufacturers use oil? Guess what is a non-renewable resource? Oil! Did you also know that when you throw plastic (and aluminum) away it just sits in the ground doing nothing? It never bio degrades people! One aluminum can can power a TV for 4 hours... think about all the stuff you are throwing away we can reuse (think about all that TV you watch.) Too bad we can't just throw the can in a machine and poof, 'free' electricity.

START recycling today!!!!!
----

Now that I'm off my soap box, here's an update. My brother has been out of the hospital. He is still 'off,' and they are expecting it to be so for at least 4-6 months until his brain heals. My personal issues are much improved, and I have discussed with previously mentioned closest person and an agreement/understanding has been reached. That said, I also got a 96% on my test today (of the class I was thinking I was going to drop due to overload.) I think I might even get a 98% because one question I got wrong was not anywhere to be found in the notes from which the test was based. Wish me luck!

Anyway, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for your prayers (and yes, God has been thanked a zillion times over too). Keep 'em coming! The other class I'm in I'm told is ridiculously hard (which is why I was thinking of dropping the other). In reality, they're both REALLY tough. I have a test on Monday. I'm also told to do really well on the first two tests, because the last two are monsters. PLEASE pray for me. I can't afford (literally) to take these classes again, and I also getting tired of working and going to school. BTW, I would never wish my fate on anyone. What I'm doing right now IS HARD, excruciatingly.

The Road Not Taken

by Robert Frost


Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Never a dull moment

My life is never without a dull moment. I feel as if I'm constantly on a roller coaster of events, and the emotions that go with it are taking pieces of me bit by bit. If anything, I need prayer for peace. I need prayers for patience. I need prayers that in whatever way God wants things to happen, God gives me the strength to move forward and be strong.

Right now I just want to quit everything. I feel like I have taken a certain person in my life for granted and now it's biting me in the you-know-where. I feel that because of what I have chosen to do will cost me someone very close to me, if it hasn't already. I mean I can't stand my life much longer this way, how could I expect others too? The path of life is not worth it to me without someone to share it with. I just want to be stable. I want to have options open. I'm tired of doors slamming in my face without another one in site. Where's the other door that's open? Did I drive by it too fast? Was my head stuck in a book when I was supposed to be looking? Was I having a really horrible day and couldn't see anything but the next test or clinical experience coming up to notice it?

Now it's as if all that momentum to do well is failing, and I just want to quit and take a break, but I can't. It's just not monetarily feasible. Tuition is paid and I wouldn't get much back. I'm a little lacking in the strength department, and I'm finding myself very vulnerable. I'm insecure and feeling VERY alone. I know God's here next to me, but I can't feel anything but loneliness.

I've learned that the older I'm getting, the harder it is to find single friends who can be supportive. There are just not that many of them anymore. I have come very far in my journey, but I finding it hard to continue to push, and the end goals seems so far away. Help.

PS Good news: My brother was released from the hospital, but he still has a long road of recovery before they can do anything more.

The other side

About a week to the day I found out my brother was admitted to the hospital for TBI secondary to TIA's. They did an MRI three weeks before and found nothing, three weeks later they found lesions/bleeding the parietal, temporal, and occipital areas of the brain. He's been in ICU for a week now and last night they moved him to a MED-SURG floor. I guess they kept him in ICU so long because he needed to be supervised, but really he just need a sitter and could have been out as soon as Sunday in my opinion. (My mom agrees and she's an APN.) Anyway, it was strange being on the other side of the experience: NS to family member of patient in the hospital, but I also felt more useful just because I understood more about what was going on.

He is getting better as the blood is reabsorbed, but it's hard to tell because they keep sedating him so he doesn't over react to his confusion (being that there is a problem interferring with his mental faculties.) I can't believe the Dr.'s even considered putting him in the psych ward because of his confusion, when the problem is primarly neurological injury (two completely different types of floors in hospitals.) At least they decided correctly and went with Med-Surg. My mom and I would have not stood for otherwise. Personally I think he needs to be at another bigger hospital more capable of handling his situation specifically. I know because that was my last rotation.

Anyway, pray that his healing progresses so that then more tests can be run to find out what area is the focal point of his seizures so they can successfully perform surgery (if possible) and alleviate the problem which put him in the hospital in the first place. (Run on sentences are fun!)

Beginnings

Well it's the beginning of what will hopefully be my second to last semester. With any luck, I'll be done in December. So many hurtles to overthrow, I hope I make it. I'll only be able to do it with God's help that's for sure.

On another note, I might be moving at the end of the summer. So yet again, I'm proving to be a woman of many changes... seems constant. I was joking with Grams that my life might be quite entertaining as part of a soap opera. It seems there aren't many days that something dramatic doesn't happen. Today was pretty quiet, other than I started one of my two courses for the summer. If I make it, only 2 more to go. Then of course there are also boards. Craziness I tell you!

How I ever made it through working full time and taking 12 credit hours and doing well, I'll never know. But it's done, I think the worst is over. I don't plan to work this summer and if I do, it will be VERY minimal. I can devote all of my energies for one goal instead of many. Keep praying. It's working ;)

Rebuild

Today, during my one of my last clinical experiences for the Spring, God sent me some important messages that it seems I've been waiting my whole life to hear or maybe I was just ready to hear them. I went to a conference today and it was full of insight and valuable knowledge for me to use and take with me. Keep praying though, I need all I can get because I'm not in the clear yet. Thanks!

Cascade

I am in a state of shock. Totally appalled, flabergasted, hurt, upset... Nothing could have prepared me for what I have experienced these last two days. I'm sorry I cannot be specfic. All I can do is to sit and idly stare at a movie so that I do not think on the experiences that I had no idea were coming, that I had no idea could possibly ever occur. Ever.

All I can do is wait. All I can do is nothing. There is absolutely nothing I can do. This cannot be fixed, forgotten, forgiven. I just don't see it. I need God's help to get me through this. God is all there is left of hope.

Someone told me when one door closes, another opens. Someone told me when we have hard times it is a way that we are tested in life. God is testing me, and the test is long and it's a test only a genius could master. I cannot change roads any faster, well, I think I'm on the wrong road. It's really bumpy. One of my tires has gone flat, and my engine is overheating. Can I make it to the next service station?

Pray.

Almost done

It's such a beautiful day outside, and here I am inside contemplating what chore or errand can I come up with to conjure a reason to go outside for a while. Since I don't own a house anymore, I don't have any gardening or mowing to do so I have an excuse, oh well. I have three more tests and this semester is over. I can't believe I've made it this far. This school year has been a challenge to say the least.

I will have four more classes left and assuming all goes well, I will be done in Decemeber. Somehow I wish it could be sooner because what is happening in my other school experience. But I'm choosing not to think on that.

Instead I will focus on the fact that I am half way done in my endeavors to move on in life, and never having to worry about having a job ever again. It will be nice when I get there. I think I might clean my car. It's been since August since the inside has been vaccummed (yes, I know it's sad.) Then I shall study until I can study no more.

More from my cousin

My cousin writes and says he is doing ok. If you are sending care packages he says that the kids like hard candy and pens. Here's a utube showing some pictures that a Marine took in '06. The link has more good pictures, but they are harder to see details.

Colon Cancer

Did you know that colon cancer is the third leading cause of death in men, and the fourth leading cause of death in women? Did you also know you can decrease your risk by following a healthy diet and making sure you are screened when called for? Here's some info about what a good diet entails:

Diet and colon cancer to prevent colon cancer

"People can change their eating habits by reducing fat intake, and increasing fiber (roughage) in their diet. Major sources of fat are meat, eggs, dairy products, salad dressings, and oils used in cooking. Fiber is the insoluble, non- digestible part of plant material present in fruits, vegetables, and whole-grain breads and cereals. It is postulated that high fiber in the diet leads to the creation of bulky stools which can rid the intestines of potential carcinogens. In addition, fiber leads to the more rapid transit of fecal material through the intestine, thus allowing less time for a potential carcinogen to react with the intestinal lining. For additional information, please read the Colon Cancer Prevention article." Other reasons I found that may make a person high risk: colon polyps, ulcerative colitis, and genetics.

Who Knew?

Turns out I went to the same great schools as the emerging actress Jenna Fischer. She is starring in Blades of Glory and is known for her role in The Office. Maybe one day I could be famous :)

Hilarious!

Any of you movie goers out there in need of some serious laughs MUST see Blades of Glory. I haven't laughed that hard since Tommy Boy.

Can't Stand It

This is my rant for the day. This day sucks!

My cousin is going to Iraq...

I just found out my cousin leaves for Iraq soon. Please pray for him and his batallion's safe return.
Here is one uTube videos that someone made of their training.

Too much at once

Ok, so I am known for overdoing it, but after much torment I wind up being very sucessful or having successful outcomes. But why why why does it all have to come at once? I hate taking tests, tests aren't fun, writing them, grading them, studying for them. No one, not really anything can prepare you for the tests of life. So why does it always feel like I'm thrown the big whoppers all at the same time? Did I sign up for this and ask that my soul be cultivated in such a way that the same themes reappear and reappear and just keep getting harder and harder. It's like I'm playing the same video game, and I pass all the levels, however the levels look the same, maybe slightly different and they just keep getting harder and harder with no escape of just even remotely beating the darn thing until the next edition comes out. A few moments in the bonus land, and then BAM, back to the dungeon with your demon to conquer at the end.

In cognitive therapy a person is taught how to untwist their thinking or their reactions to life so they have better coping skills, ultimately less stress leading to a balanced life (can you tell I'm in a psych class?). I feel like I have the bonus level for a bit, and then the same levels reappear: they're just harder, more complicated and at first my emotional responsive kicks in, and then my brain goes into red alert in the defense mechnism of suppression just to stay alive. I have changed so many things and am doing so much better with some odds and ends that got me into trouble in the past. Why do I then have to start over AGAIN?

I guess maybe cuz I fixed those things, now again I can deal with the other things like my themes of love/relationship and job/career concerns. I'm a risk taker, especially when I strongly believe it's a good risk. I like to affect change for the better, maybe that's why I'm always on the go, on the move, busy busy busy. I push myself, hard, probably harder than anyone in my life besides God could push. I don't handle well with compromise of who I am, my values or core beliefs.

I do have the ability to let things slide, but when push comes to shove, and I'm pushed and pushed on certain issues, I'm shoving off. No way will I stand to be verbally negated on a semi-regular basis (putting it nicely). No wonder I've been in defense, it just hit me today, like a big conclusion to a really long paragraph that went on and on but finally got to the point. I always know it's coming, but why when it happens is it such the big shock? Maybe I just denied myself and then presto chango, I suddenly can't deny it anymore.

I hold certain beliefs pertaining to people of all backgrounds, races, creeds, sex, orientation, ethics etc. My whole life I've been brought up this way, further compounded by my educational experiences and choice of profession: service related. Include animals too, they also deserve a kind of respect, along with nature and other things that I'm sure I'm forgetting. I would consider myself a relatively open minded individual, libral even on many topics. It's built in to my upbringing and education and well I said that already. But the lines been crossed and there is no going back on this issue. It reminds me of the saying "if you can't say something nice, don't say it at all."

So two days from now, this blog could be old news and issues have been resolved and I'm singing a different tune. But that's life, it's one big song with many moods, tempos, key signature changes, accidentals, modulations and movements. But it's my song, and I've got to write it. Life is the muse which influences the composition of our soul. It is the music of now. You can't change it, once it's been written, but you can change how it will sound in the future and what you sing/play in the now of today.

*********
That's it I'm out. I need to add some rests in my song of this moment. I've sung the movement of today and now I need to stop singing and just listen so I can improve the song that will begin again new tommorow.

I choose freedom

My values will not be torn down by your irrational hatred of men.

I choose equality! I choose freedom!

I must remain true to myself.

Maybe you'll come around,

maybe you'll turn back the other way.

In either case, I will not be swayed.

Apparently it's intuition

Something just didn't feel right yesterday, and now I know why. The answer came today in the form of a letter that I was required to sign. Verbal reassurances made, but things in writing clearly stating otherwise. Resources consulted and again reassurances made. Point is, why write the letter in a fashion other than what is 'supposed to be' than what actually is?

Spring Break is here, and for the first time in a long time I felt like a normal human being. I didn't do any homework all week (not really anyway.) That'll change come Sunday, but for now I'm going to enjoy my time to deal with other issues.

I've noticed that when one area of my life is tough, the other areas let up just enough for me to be able to handle it. I'd like to think that's God taking care of me so I can make it through this.

I need more confidence

Have you ever gone through a period where you just feel completely self-conscious about everything? I guess it's good to have a little awareness, but for whatever reason I just feel like I'm walking on broken glass. As if I make the wrong step, I'll slip and fall and just be a complete mess. Even when I'm successful, I'm not confident that it was good enough. Maybe that's the music in me talking... always striving for something better.

I guess I'm all discombobulated for various reasons. I'm taking a lot of risks and going outside the box and it makes me nervous. Sometimes I mess up, and other times I'm completely surprised by the feedback I get from those around me. I do think though it has been catching up on me. I'm getting sick again. I haven't been this sick since my allergies were on crazed mode in college. I haven't had a sinus infection in 5-6 years and all of sudden I'm getting them all the time. I don't know what's going on. This winter it was so bad, that my vocal cords were unable to articulate a sound, and I had to go on rest for 2 weeks (I was miserable.) Spring comes and here I am with my second sinus problem. I'm wondering if the black mold from the room below has made it into my room. How else would I all of a sudden be a sinus mess when I've been fine for soooo long?

Anyway, who wants to hear about that. St. Louis is one of the all time allergy areas, and I've made it this far. I'll figure it out. Maybe I'm allergic to something new or in my room at work.

I guess what I'm trying to say that being sick makes me nervous too. Because it affects how I sound for my job. I feel like I'm going above and beyond this year, and yet I still feel like I have failed somehow. I've done more this year than I've ever thought I could do, and yet I still feel like it's not enough. Like I'm a leper and in a world all my own. Don't know where my confidence went, but I really hope it comes back soon. :)

Why I hate my car and other thoughts of today.

When I bought my first brand new car I thought it the best thing ever. I felt like I had a million dollars and I was some rich, fancy person in a brand, spanking new vehicle. Ah, those were the good ole' days. 83xxx miles later and many oil changes to boot, my feelings about my 'baby' have changed. Gone are the days of very little repairs and only having to get an oil change or tire rotation. Here's what the consumer report in '02 did NOT tell me about my wonderful little car:

1. At the first brake replacement (around 2 years) one must likely purchase not only brakes but new calipers (because they freeze easily), and rotors (because my brand of car likes to put very thin rotors in your car at purchase so the 'gas mileage looks good'.)

2. In 5 years you have to do the same to the rear calipers, rotor and brakes.

3. 4 sets of brake pads, 4 calipers and two rotors later; I'm saving up to replace the rotors in the back too because they are boarder-line.

4. If you like trying to find 195/50/16R tires and spending a lot of money for them, you would love my car! Low wall tires that explode (twice!) while on the highway are fabulous! Not only are these tires usually special order, you get to spend all day making calls around town finding them, they range between $100-$250 each depending on how long you want your tire to last.

5. 3 years after purchasing your car, expect at least one of the automatic locks to get stuck and stop working properly.

6. After two years expect the transmission display (of very thin plastic) to crack. And then two years later (after warranty) expect it to happen again (even if you but actually use the car.)

7. For whatever particular reason, my car seems to enjoy batteries as well (but I also have a tendency to accidentally leave the dome light on. OOPS!)

Pros about the car: Roomy for the price, stereo is decent, when a caliper doesn't freeze on you it actually has pretty good 'zoom zoom,' automatic doors and moon roof, shiny wheels (if that's your thing), engine and radiator seem to do well.

I might be on the look out for a different car in a year or so. Any suggestions on ones you personally own and love? I want pros and cons... real ones from actual consumers.

-----Other Thoughts-----

If you think about it going to get your car fixed is like going to the see the Dr. You really don't enjoy it, but it's a requirement of life (unless you don't own a car.) Every time you visit it's usually because something is wrong. You have symptoms of a less-than-desirable nature, and you are visiting because you want them to go away in the fastest time possible. You know it's going to cost a lot, and usually when you've got the verdict, it feels like you're being told you're going to die in a week (well maybe more like your pocket book will.)

Mechanics are like Dr.'s for machines and should probably get more credit for what they do. They aren't doing surgery on people, but they do mechanical surgery on your car. As one mechanic put it to me the other day "when a mechanic handles and fixes your brakes, they are taking the owner's lives into their hands." I've never really thought about a car that way, have you? When a Dr. takes care of you, your health or life is on the line; mechanics are similar in that your car's health (your mental health) and your life is on the line.

So then I'm thinking. Why don't we have car insurance that works like health insurance? Why doesn't the car insurance company pay or offer a discounted co-pay for preventative maintenance like the health insurance companies do? You know they are making tons from insurance premiums, so why not give the costumer more for their buck? They could even go so far as to be like the 'wonderful' hmo's and only allow a certain amount to be charged for a specific service. They could also go so far as to recommend highly skilled professional mechanics from a list to choose from (ie the primary care mechanic :) This idea could probably be of benefit to both consumer, business owner, and insurance company. There are always drawbacks and the choice shouldn't be required, but it sounds like a good idea to me. If I had preventative maintenance coverage in addition to accident coverage, I bet my car would be in tip top shape and last a lot longer and I'd have a lot less stress when something supposedly 'minor' (which it never is financially) goes wrong.

New favorite website

Don't have time to watch tv or forget what channel everything is on? Don't have tivo and hate commercials, but wouldn't mind 2 or three? Don't have cable or have a bad reception? Love watching things on ABC? You must go here!!!! It's the best thing ever invented!!!

Things to try to add to your chili

Late yesterday, I prepared chili for the work pot luck chili day. I tried something different just for fun and found it to be quite the interesting idea. I'm also including ideas from other chillies that I tasted:

My random (they are always random) chili included the usual, but last night I tried: cinnamon, brown sugar (small amount), curry, Ragu spaghetti sauce (I just needed a little more tomato sauce and I ran out), and jalapeno pepper juice (not the pepper just a little bit of a small jar of juice). It resulted in a smooth tasting chili that was sweet at first, but was then spicy (spicy enough for spicy people, but not long lasting enough so that your mouth was burning when you were done.) YUM!

Veggie Chili: I learned something about adding a tablespoon and a half of vinegar makes the difference in this kind of chili.

Tomato Soup: Another chili I had definitely had Campbell's tomato soup for the base. Interesting, but yummy.

I had three favorites that I tried today at work, mine, the one next to mine, and the chili with what tasted like tomato soup.

Let me know what interesting things you put in your chili :)

Brain Attack (formerly known as Stroke)

Did you know that brain attack (stroke) is the 3rd leading cause of death in the U.S.? Main cause is heart attack, 2nd is cancer, 3rd is stroke. Don't think it can't happen to you.

Nonmodifiable risk factors (you can't do anything about them):
Heredity, Gender, Age (older usually), Race (African-American, Asian), Diabetis Mellitus, Artheroscerosis.

Here are risk factors you can control:
Hypertension: HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE IS THE LEADING CAUSE!
Obesity, SMOKING, Hyperlipidemia (high cholesterol), Heavy ETOH (alcohol) intake, Physical inactivity, Cocaine abuse, Carotid stenosis (occlusion in carotid arteries-plaque), oral contraceptives (thicken the blood), and atrial fibrillation (irregular heart beat.)

If you have more than one factor here, especially modifiable you might want to rethink your lifestyle. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm just learning this stuff and though you'd want to know. It's pretty scary if you think about it.

Here's how to decrease your chances: Control B/P to below 120/80. Stop smoking. Exercise as noted below. Maintain ideal body weight. > 50 years old should take a baby asparin q day. Eat fish 2-3x a week. Don't take B.C. if you smoke. < ETOH. Take Vit. E and B. < your salt intake.

Now exercise is considered to be adequate at 30-60 minutes 5-6 days per week. Guess I really need to work on that one :)

Hangin' in there

I can't believe that after the conclusion of next week it will be March. How crazy is that?! Keep things flying... that's what I say. I more week and I'll have another 4.0 cr hrs under my belt. 8 more weeks and the Spring semester is complete, and I managed to not have a life for most of it :)

Found out some disconcerting news at work today. I don't know what it means for my future. When I figure it out, I'm sure I might say something here.

I've had a long day. Time to retire for the evening.

Sad News

Hank was my Dad's uncle, read on. By HAL BOCK, AP Sports Writer NEW YORK (AP) -- Hank Bauer, the hard-nosed ex-Marine who returned to baseball after being wounded during World War II and went on to become a cornerstone of the New York Yankees dynasty of the 1950s, died Friday. He was 84. Bauer died of cancer in Shawnee Mission, Kan., said the Baltimore Orioles. Bauer managed the 1966 Orioles to their first World Series title. A three-time All-Star outfielder, Bauer played on Yankees teams that won nine American League pennants and seven World Series in 10 years. He set the Series record with a 17-game hitting streak, a mark that still stands. "Hank Bauer is an emblem of a generation that helped shape the landscape of our country," Yankees owner George Steinbrenner said in a statement. "He was a natural leader and a teammate in every sense of the word, and his contributions went well beyond the baseball field. His service to the Yankees, his country, and his family shows why I have been so privileged to call him a friend." Surrounded by sluggers such as Mickey Mantle and Yogi Berra, Bauer was a major ingredient in the Yankees' success during his years in New York from 1948-59.

Bauer was wounded at Okinawa, hit in the left thigh by shrapnel in his 53rd day on the island.

"We went in with 64 and six of us came out," Bauer said.

After he was discharged, Bauer signed with the Yankees minor league affiliate at Kansas City and after two .300 seasons there, he moved to New York in 1948. A year later, Casey Stengel became the manager and Bauer moved into the lineup as the Yankees began their run.

Bauer batted .320 in his second full season and became a fixture in the Yankee outfield alongside Mantle. The two outfielders became close friends, and Bauer was a pallbearer at Mantle's funeral in 1995.

Equipped with a strong arm, Bauer was a dead pull fastball hitter, a disadvantage at Yankee Stadium with its spacious left field. He once said that if he hit a ball to right field, it was an accident.

Bauer batted .277 with 164 homers and 703 RBIs. It was in the World Series that he excelled, from a Series-ending catch at his knees against the New York Giants in 1951 to his final Series appearance in 1958, when he hit .323 with four homers and eight RBIs as the Yankees beat the Milwaukee Braves in seven games.

"Maybe I bore down a lot more in the Series," Bauer said. "I had my luck. I had my good days and bad ones. I played for the right organization."

In 1959, after the Yankees finished behind the Chicago White Sox, Bauer was part of a seven-player trade with Kansas City that delivered a young Roger Maris to New York. Two years later, Maris set a season record with 61 homers, a mark that stood until 1998.

Bauer kept his Marine Corps crewcut through his baseball career and beyond. After he retired, he returned home to the Kansas City area, where he scouted for the Yankees and the Royals. Later, he was a regular at Yankee annual Old-Timers' Days, an opportunity to reunite with friends from those championship seasons.

Follow Through

I have to vent because it really irks me and almost hurts my feelings. Everyone knows that if you commit yourself to doing something, especially for someone else, especially a friend, you should follow through. This particular instance just made me feel like a certain person could give a crap less about me. Fine, chose not to offer to do anything for me, whatever. But when a request is made, say no and/or ignore it all together. I would get the hint. Don't say something back in several different instances like "Sure no problem" when you have no intention of following through on your offer. It's no skin off my back that you did not help me, it's the fact that you didn't follow through is what hurts.

(edited)

I guess I'm out then. Thinking about why is a waste of my precious study time and space. I have people and friends who truly care and follow through. I've even had people go way out of their way during my personal emergencies to help me. I asked for a favor on one, small tiny insignificant thing, and it is completely clouding my ability to ever accept you again. Friends follow through and are there for each other. Where were you?

Needed to hear this today

I am worn down. This song inspiries me to keep going on.

Another great work for me (although I have not a copy of the music)

English text
by Colonel Henry Heveningham

If music be the food of love,
sing on till I am fill'd with joy;
for then my list'ning soul you move
with pleasures that can never cloy,
your eyes, your mien, your tongue declare
that you are music ev'rywhere.

Pleasures invade both eye and ear,
so fierce the transports are, they wound,
and all my senses feasted are,
tho' yet the treat is only sound.
Sure I must perish by our charms,
unless you save me in your arms.

Global Warming is Real and It's Here NOW

Even if you don't like Al Gore, see this movie. The pictures, the data, the facts can't be a lie. I find it hard to believe that our consumerist life-style is not taking it's toll on the earth. When I have some time to acquire it, I'm going out and getting special receptacles to start recyling now (before I just did paper, plastic, and alum at school but not at home really). I will replace my light bulbs with the new more energy efficient ones. I will keep my car in check so it's not polluting the earth any more than it has too, and when I can will be buying something that is either low emissions or none at all if by that time they have reinstated a viable (& affordable) electric car. Do it now!

My motivation, picturing a polar bear that is swimming 600 miles and drowning because it has no where to rest (because the arctic is melting!)

HA! Take that you stupid math!

Ok so I passed my required math tests at 100% THANK YOU GOD!!!!

In one class I almost forgot the stupid zero before the decimal point (caught it while doing the triple check). During the test yesterday, I noticed I totally rounded wrong (had to be nerves) and was able to correct it in time. Seriously, I don't know that I've ever gotten 100% on math, so that's a BIG deal!

THANK YOU again if you prayed for me! Now I need prayers for both Unit 1 tests two evenings in a row (Yikes!)

-a

Firsts

Today I was in the triage "Patient Assessment Center" for birthing and I got to see my first live birth. They were really slow today, but I also got a chance to do my first IV and bood draw ever and I was successful on the first try! YEAH!

I'm really busy so I have to run. Back to the books! I have to get another 100% on a math test tommorow, pray for me ;)

"Who Killed the Electric Car?"

A must-see... especially if you like being educated, "Who Killed the Electric Car?"Just go check it out, it's very thought-provoking.
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Even if you don’t drive an electric car or hybrid, there are plenty of ways to reduce harmful emissions and help the environment.

Below are five tips on how to reduce emissions from GreenerCars.com. For the full list, visit their website at:
http://www.greenercars.com/drivinggreen.html

1. Combine trips. Warmed-up engines and catalysts generate much less air pollution, so combining several short trips into one can make a big difference.

2. Take a load off: Even 100 pounds of extra weight in your car can reduce fuel economy by 1 percent. Take a minute to unload your trunk or back seat.

3. Follow the speed limit!: Your fuel economy is lowered by about 10 percent when you drive 75 mph instead of 65 mph. Driving over the speed limit can also increase tailpipe pollution in many vehicles.

4. Keep your tires properly inflated. Tires should be inflated to the pressure recommended for your vehicle; this information is often printed inside the door frame or in your owner's manual. For every 3 pounds below recommended pressure, fuel economy goes down by about 1 percent. Tires can lose about 1 pound of pressure in a month, so check the air pressure regularly and always before going on a long trip or carrying heavy loads. Underinflated tires can also detract from handling, safety, and how long the tires will last.

5. Use regular gasoline unless your owner's manual says otherwise. Unless your car requires premium, high-octane fuels improve neither fuel economy nor performance and will just waste your money.