How quicky the tide changes in life

I think it is absolutely amazing how I felt completely wiped out yesterday, and whamo I'm back in the game teaching up instruments and singing, whoo hoo! Teaching today was really good, somehow I learned some new classroom management techniques it's called: patience (wating/demanding attention/respect without words) and putting the responsibility on the students to learn. It worked wonders. I forgot that in hs I had certain 'tricks' to get students to pay attention without me having to yell or jump through hoops etc, but those just really didn't apply to elementary kiddos. Today I discovered (yes, on my own, but I found out another teacher does it) a new plan. Before I was sick I would talk over the kids, perhaps gave them too many warnings before I put their name on the board, I even tried putting up a star (10 stars gets them a party) and I would erase a piece everytime I had to say quiet (3 pieces gone, no star, this gives class responsiblity in addition to individual responsibility) and I started to say 3,2,1 expecting quiet at '1'.

Well, it took a while but I was still having to use my voice (any way I can use my voice less, but still get the job done is good for a music teacher) and they only sort of 'got it.' So today I think, I'm not going to say a word and do this with my hands (everyone is familiar with the 'bunny ears' listening sign) 3, 2, 1. Some kids understood right away, one class even said their teacher does the same thing (I have discovered that using a certain classroom teachers' methods with her students works wonders because they are used to it. Somehow I 'magically' discover these just by observing and listening to the students) Voila, success. I don't have to clap, I don't have to bang on an instrument, I expect them to pay attention and look up at me. Until they get it exactly I might say the number 3 but that's it. My last class of the day was miraculous, at the number 3, they were silent. Ahhh.

See, all the students are so eager to learn, especially when we are doing instruments, that they forget to raise their hands. They are all trying to ask me stuff at the same time, some need individual help etc. The only way I can help students is if we work together (cooperative learning) as a team. Music is a team 'sport'! You need to start together, play together, and end together. You are only as good as the weakest player (in an ensemble). This even applies to the elementary kiddos.

At lunch time I was exhausted! I get sooo into what I'm doing that I really do not realize how much energy that I'm using. I'm making three hundred decisions a second, changing original plans around to fit the needs of the students, listening to them play with accurate rhythms, watching them for using the right techniques, AND playing piano or whatever technique I utilize for that lesson to keep the beat ALL at the same time. No wonder I'm like the super multi-tasker. God was right to put me in this position. I've always been an over achiever, I try to be one step ahead of the game (prepared), and I am insistent on "knowing my stuff' and figuring out ways to convey that 'stuff' to all different kinds of students from various walks of life and experiences. Cool, I never saw my job that way until I wrote it down :) So after lunch, I'm reengergized and I continue with the lessons until it's time to go.

Well I made some calls, and my coat has been found, for those of you 'really worried about it.' I took care of 'the small stuff' which can be big if it's not taken care of, and finally went home. When I arrived home, I sipped a tomato soup dinner, and proceeded to dig right in to the DLT. Since I was going to choir in an hour and half, I wanted to make sure I would still have my devotion for the day. Apparently I made plans to do one section a week. Turns out I finished one section in an hour and a half. This first section was pretty simple for me, because I actually had already reached some of the beginning 'challenges' of my growth in Christ. I was amazed at how much I remembered from my K-12 Catholic school days and other church experiences. It actually made me feel like maybe I'm not the worst 'Christian in the world after all' (in a manner of speaking). I did learn some new things, and realized some things I need to change. So I hope I continue my 'plan of action.'

So I drive to choir thinking, man I hope my voice holds up. I just got it back, and I don't want to over do it etc. In the beginning of rehearsal, I really could have used more warming up (esp. in the higher range), but it was all good. I attempted to sing mezzo-vocce, at first but was slightly unsucessful until I realized I was trying to 'hear myself' over the person next to me. Once I 'gave in' to what I know to be correct techniques (and not to base everything on what I hear), my breath support improved and my voice was much happier.

I think being in this choir will be good for me, I just really need to sit next to someone who is not so overpowering that I feel like I'm not even there. There is nothing wrong with having that kind of 'opera-like' talent, but my talent seems to be that I can easily blend in and be a nice, warm supportive lyric soprano voice for the choir. So I like to blend with people who compliment me, instead of overpowing me to the point of extinction. Plus, I would like to be more independant rather than sometimes using another to lean on, when I'm unsure of the notes.

Anyway, the director asked me if I wanted to join in on the singing of the 'high B/C' in one of the songs. I instantly shake my head no (no, I'm not a Soprano says my once Alto I in high school voice), and I was left alone. Besides, the 3 people who sang it are more than enough power to carry the note, so much that you can barely hear the 2nd part of the 1st sops in that section. Ok so I'm not going to bore you anymore with choir stuff. I'm just super happy that my voice 'made-it,' and I really wasn't even as vocally tired as the 2 Mondays before (probably because I WAS SICK, in addition to 'dusting out the cobwebs'). I learned today to get my breath support going, even if that means I'm so hungry my stomach is mad at me for supporting so much. Too bad, I'm singing these notes, and I'm going to sing them with correct technique darn it!

I'm just pumped. I'm sure you can tell by my incessant writing. Well I know tommorow for sure if my voice 'handled it.' This vocal athlete is trying her best to get 'back into shape.' I've been so busy teaching music, I haven't had time to 'sing for myself' in almost 4 years! Wish me luck in my future endeavors, plan to see me at a concert if you like, and pray for my continued aspirations to be a better person and a better Christian.

New beginnings...where do I go from here?

This weekend was completely jammed packed for me. I didn't know it was going to be that way, but it was. Friday I last-minutely decided to help serve at a Metropolis fundraiser. It was good to meet new people and just be out. Saturday Jen invited me to a friend's 40th b-day party, and it was pretty cool too. I did end up losing my coat though. Somehow mine was confused, because there was one left not-as-similar but close enough to mine left over. So I have someone's coat now, and I really hope whoever has mine notices they have the wrong coat. They even have my gloves.

Well that's not really the point of my blog today. But hey it wouldn't be me if I didn't through in the 'how was my weekend' or 'week' stuff, right? There will be sometimes when I actually go in depth and talk about something really meaningful to me, but only as much as I feel comfortable sharing. Fair enough eh?

Well, suffice it to say I had a huge spiritual and emotional break-through this weekend. It just sort of hit me 'out of the blue' and it was not something I could ignore. God has been 'working at me' trying to dig out somethings I've been holding on to for some reason, and I needed to let it go. I think that I finally have, and I feel very free by Him. This leaves me very vulnerable though, intimidated, scared for the future. And I have direction, I just hope I continue on the right road.

Today at church I ran into someone I sang in Cantoria with for at least 2 years, but I never got to know (she was in a different part than I). Her singing moved me, I almost cried in church. Well she asked me about the DLT Challenge, and I was thinking about getting the brochure, but was so loopy for whatever reason (it's like my brain was erased or something) I didn't realize the meeting was today and you're supposed to sign up. So I conquer my fears, and go to the meeting. Yep, that's where I was supposed to be today. Normally I'm intimidated by the 'community' setting in the church. I know very little people, very little and despite that most of them went to TSU and were in my path there, I just never connected with them really. It's hard because I think I really need more Christian friends in my life to help guide me and set me straight. I feel like I've been 'doing this alone' which as we know is impossible and I fail every time. I was involved with a small few of these people in a Bible study at TSU, but now it's just akward for me even to say 'hello' because I'm worried they'll be like "why is she here?" I'm crazy, I know. I'm just really shy around situations that I don't 'have the feel of' just yet. I need to put more into my efforts and my walk with God, period. That's at least 90% of the problem I'm sure.

Well anyway, I'm off. I just need to be alone, reading, contemplating. I almost feel weak today, just not myself at all. I guess that's why I was 'loopy.' I can't even write straight, you wouldn't believe the strange wording mistakes I made while I was writing this; some are still there I'm sure. Well keep praying for me. I need it a lot!

Good News!

It's official! I found a roomie and she will be moving in at the end of February.

Thank you so much to all who prayed for me! Continue prayers that I am wise with my finances (meaning continuing to curb any credit card use), and that everything works well for us! Thank you God! Thank you friends and family who were so supportive in helping me get through emotional stress!

Also, since I have been on voice rest for a week, I did a bit of singing yesterday to 'test the waters.' I sang high enough and soft enough for me to rightfully say that the rest was effective. Thanks for those who prayed for my health, and continue to pray that I don't get sick anymore. 4 weeks was a long time to be sick and it's actually strange for me to not feel like junk right now. I didn't realize how sick I was until I was forced to be on 'shut down' mode.

Thanks again everyone!

Stay tuned for a list of things I learned this week, hey, when you are stuck at home for good or bad reasons you have a lot of time to think about stuff you 'motioned to table' in your brain until you could think about it in more depth. Mostly I discovered things that need to change. I've feel like these last three years I’ve been in a ‘slump’ of some sort, and I now feel that I’m finally coming out of it, whatever ‘it’ was. I just didn’t feel like myself, like I was dead or something. It’s all a process though, because I think I’ve been writing about it for almost a month now. Anyway, more about that later, it’s too early to think right now.

P.S. Just in case you were wondering, I'm not 'in love' with any particular individual right now, I just felt called to include it in my last post. Who says reading the Bible is boring eh? It's really beautiful in places if you know where to look :)

Love

This is one of my most favorite passage in the Bible. It has many profound meanings, and conjures many fond memories. The words in bold are the selections from this passage which speak to me most deeply. I don't know why exactly I felt the need to put this in my blog today, perhaps it was something I read. But this, most of all, sums up my feelings, thoughts, and emotions for this moment. There is not one specific reason I chose this, but simply that I felt called to do so.

"And now I will show you the most excellent way. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."

1 Corinthians Chapter 13 (New International Version)

Music for the soul!

"Music consists of individual notes that are constructed for the purpose of producing harmonious pitch. If the notes are discordant, they sound like noise. It is when they are orchestrated into harmony that our souls rest in the tranquility of gentle sounds. Life is very much like music. The art of living is to orchestrate and organize one's life in such a way that all of the various events and demands can be produced without their colliding into one another and creating noise. That is what we all want to achieve. But no orchestra can have harmony amid the diversity of its instrumentation if there is not a conductor to maintain timing and structure. The Lord is the conductor who orchestrates the affairs that tend to create the noise of stress in all of us. Without Him, life sounds like a junior high school band warming up for the march! [ahahaha] The Lord brings calmness and order to a chaotic world."

"So take a moment to inhale a deep breath of air and exhale every stress you have ingested, and let's talk about turning the noise of your life into the music that you want to hear." Yeah!

-----
Table for one please...

"So tonight, dear friend, set the table for one and sit in the presence of your own personhood. Drink the robust wine of your own thoughts and laugh hysterically at some humorous memory that you can share with no one but yourself. Could it be possible that before the night is over you might find yourself warmed by the fire of your own dreams, and perhaps ever so gently whisper the confession that by God's grace you have finally learned to enjoy your own company?"

(Jakes, 2000)

I love how music is in everything. God uses music to speak to me, and I use it to worship and to 'speak' back to Him. Amen!

God reveals His plan

Remember when you got in trouble and your parents grounded you: they took away all privileges, and you were stuck at home or in your room? Ok, so all week, yes I know it’s only Wed., I have felt like I was grounded. Running around 'like a chicken with it's head cut off' (as Liz would say) is usually my bag. I am usually always busy, always doing something, planning, organizing, following through, producing, performing etc. in some fashion or another.

Lately I have been zoning off in front of the TV contemplating why God put me 'on rest' this week. I didn't really figure it out until now; this being other than the fact, that my voice needed a break from myriads of sicknesses I obtained from the kiddos. For the past 5-6 weeks I have been pushing myself beyond my limits. I had no clue I was doing this to myself, until I took a step back and looked at 'all the signs. In Dec. I had a car accident. I injured my ankle and sustained whiplash injuries to my neck. My car was wrecked and so was I. Yet, I took only 2 days rest before returning to work. The first day I was off I couldn't walk, the second day I couldn't move my neck, and somehow I decided I felt ok to return to work basically in full swing the next day. Maybe I was ready, maybe I wasn't, but I should have been more careful!

During Holiday break a couple weeks later; I used that time to regroup with friends and family that I hadn't had a chance to catch up with in a while. I took very little time for proper rest, and had very little regard for 'normal' hours. 1 week later I find myself sick on New Years' Eve. I managed to get some 24-hour flu. And with that my voice was hoarse the first week we are back to school. The second week of Jan. I recover for about 2 days; just enough to audition for choir, instantly the next day I have sinusitis of some sort also wreaking havoc on my voice. 3rd week of Jan. this turns into bronchitis, which of course the coughing of slamming my vocal cords together does not help the voice. Finally I get in to my dr. He prescribes antibiotics and INSISTS that I take a week off from teaching/singing/ and talking. He stated that while I can perform normal singing functions when I am well, I am hurting my voice by continuing to push through sickness after sickness. I ask for alternatives, and he orders me to rest no, if ands or buts, otherwise I'll be seeing him later with a pathology instead of an acute swelling. Ok then, I get the hint!

Back to the point, sorry I know I for some reason go on about details, but they can paint a picture to emphasize the point. So after a few days of feeling down, guilty, beating myself up over having to rest, I finally let go. That day is today. I resigned into vocal rest a long time ago, it's just I felt like I wasn't accomplishing anything by resting (which of course I am). The whole point of rest is simply to rest, recuperate, to heal. I discovered that I need to learn the meaning of 'taking time for myself' again. It has very slowly come back into the picture of my life, but I don't think I give it enough credit. This week proves everything, what good am I to anyone if I push myself so hard that I'm sick and pretty much non-functional? You can't give anything to anyone or to your job, if you have nothing left to give because you used all your resources. One must replenish. I have tried, but apparently have failed miserably.

So after returning from Bible study, in which I kept my mouth shut as much as possible, I decided to pick up a book I bought a long time ago called "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. I started reading this so long ago I don't even remember when. How's that for lack of devotion? What a pathetic Christian I have been. Not only does my lack of commitment to God extend to going to church but it transcends everything: my commitment to take time to rest, time to exercise, sacrifices to overcome bad habits, commitment to devotion, even commitment to heal myself etc. I need improvement. I know this, I've known it, I've tried to commence the improvement, but I haven't really stuck with it. Once there was a time, I exercised consistently. I felt better, looked better, overall everything was, better. Once there was a time where I had devotions every day, went to church every Sunday, and even went to Bible study. Slowly but surely all those things faded away, and now I'm left with my mistakes.

I then decide to pick up another book I purchased 'back in the day' but never followed through. It's called "The Lady, Her Lover and Her Lord" by T.D. Jakes. I bought these when it was "Teacher Discount Day" and I needed and wanted a spiritual boost in my life. I have only read one chapter so far tonight, but I am amazed at how this books affirms the very feelings I have sensed as of late, but could not form into words or coherent thoughts. It will be rough, but I think God has not only given me this time for physical healing, but also for spiritual healing as well. Don't you love how God manages to tie everything together? I have discovered the meaning of my break, and I hope to use my last few days to their fullest potential.

Jakes writes, "The goal is ultimately a state of wholeness. That wholeness cannot be reached if you are not divorced from your past and prepared for your future." Wow, how incredibly powerful those words are: "divorced from your past" / "prepared for your future." Just think about that.

Poetry

Sometimes when I have extra time to spend, I will hit the "Next Blog" button and see where it takes me. A few weeks ago, I read this on a blog and I forgot all about it. I even asked if I could post it here. And since I have permission here it is.

True to Myself (My Resolution)

I will learn how to carry on

I won't let my troubles make me cry

That which does not kill me will make me strong

I won't waste a single moment in wondering why

I'll accept my life and all it brings

I'll realize good luck is a state of mind

Each day I'll search for better things

And better things will come in time

Though I cannot fly, I will not crawl

I was not born to follow

And though I stumble I will not fall

In self-pity I will not wallow

I will look forward and not behind

In a world full of losers I will win

I will gain success in this lifetime

I will explore the power I have within

I will smile and never frown

I'll remain positive through all life's tests

I will not let anyone get me down

In every endeavor I'll do my best

If need be I will go against the grain

I'll always do what I have to do

Because I know nothing ventured, nothing gained

To myself I will forever be true

© Shana Alexander

Friends since 1992

When asked where I went to school, some people are surprised to find out I went to an all-girls private, Catholic high school. They ask about my experiences there, and I always say I would never change it for the world. Here's why:

Spring Break 1996 Still Friends in 2005

I have known these ladies (among others not pictured) for 13 years and counting. They are but some of my high school friends and I wouldn't give that up for the world. :)

Fascination with Fire

Fire

Other than it's too cold for my taste outside, I can't figure out why I'm so fascinated with having a wood burning stove in my home. I finally figured out how to get a real wood fire with logs going in the stove, and ever since then, if I have the time, there's a fire going. Friday night it took two hours but the fire was roaring and the whole house was warmer. It's amazing how much more fuel it takes to get a wood fire going as opposed the fakos I'm used to using. It's Sunday, and here I am once again playing with fire. Something about it seems calming and detressing to me. I discovered that next to running, the proverbial detstressor is a glass of wine, a movie, and a fire at home. Now, being by myself isn't the greatest option for this type of entertainment, however, it's very relaxing and soothing.

I happened to rent Bridget Jones' Diary, Troy, and Hero this weekend. Being that I'm on vocal rest there's not much I can do but read books or watch movies. Hero was a good movie, but Troy was more to my mood as of late. Incidentally BJD was on tv tonight too. Oh well, I still enjoyed it on my DVD. I like a good romantic comedy and watching the show almost feels like I'm watching a show about myself. The 'single girls' in my age group are getting slimmer every year with every wedding. So I really identify with Jone's character. I also feel a lot like "Lucy" in While You Were Sleeping. Big surprise they are all single ladies trying to 'get a long' in life as such.

While watching movies, I also started up another stew in the Crock Pot. Basically it's a random concotion of spices and veggies, although this time I used venison. My parents decided I needed yet more food from their house so I had to cook this stuff eventually. Well, I'm off to watch yet another movie. Have a good night.

You Know You're Exhausted When...

Apparently these last three weeks I have run myself into the ground. I was sick on New Year's from some 24 hour flu and have not been able to fully recover since. I have been pushing through swollen vocal cords, trying to over come sinusitis, and now I have bronchitis all in the last 3 weeks. I went to the Dr. today to have my voice looked at; I figure better safe than sorry. My voice has been going in and out for 3 weeks, and I've been struggling to teach through it all plus some. Well today he told me that if I do not completely go on vocal rest for a week, I'll never be able to truly be healthy and make it through the school year. So what does this mean? He wrote me a script not to teach/sing/ talk for a week! Not since college have I had a full-out disruption of vocal use. It was very rare for me to have any vocal trouble at the high school level.

I called the music coordinator of the district and asked her advice. Plainly, I just feel guilty that I cannot 'carry on' as usual. She explained to me that it's like being an injured athlete. One cannot keep using an injured muscle while it's 'down' and expect to come through it ok. Elementary teaching involves a certain vocal conditioning, like any athlete would have to condition themselves for a marathon. I've never considered myself a vocal athlete, but in a sense that is truly what I am. I sing/talk a good 6-8, 40 minute sessions 5 days a week. I must condition myself and figure out new means to get 'the job done' without vocal strain.

In the end, I have decided to follow Dr.'s orders. I feel incredibly 'weak' and like I'm being a baby, but I cannot go against the order given by an experienced ENT who knows singers and their voices. This is the same Dr. that had to save me last time I tried to 'push through' an illness. I know my limits and I'm past the edge, and I caught this in time to avoid a serious issue. Any of you who knows me, knows this will kill me. I can't stand to not be running around busy doing something, but I think God is telling me to slow down and take a rest. Please keep praying for me: my voice and for find a roommate.

Thanks for reading today. I know my blog seems downer lately, but that's just the way things are.

Birdhouse in Your Soul

As I was running this evening, this much beloved song randomly popped into my brain. I did not even realize how long the song was until I tried to reprint it here. It makes me wonder about the emmense capacity of my musical memory. I must have millions of songs in all languages from all artists in there, ranging from Bach to Journey to Nursery Rhymes to mass Choral Works. Wouldn't it be interesting if we had a database of the knowledge we hold? Anyway, I digress. Because I loved this song so much, I quoted it in my high school year book. If you love this song as much as I do, I recommend a purchase here.

"Birdhouse in Your Soul" by They Might Be Giants: Flood
MP3

I’m your only friend
I’m not your only friend
But I’m a little glowing friend
But really I’m not actually your friend
But I am

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I’m the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

I have a secret to tell
From my electrical well
It’s a simple message and I’m leaving out the whistles and bells
So the room must listen to me
Filibuster vigilantly
My name is blue canary one note* spelled l-i-t-e
My story’s infinite
Like the Longines Symphonette it doesn’t rest

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I’m the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

I’m your only friend
I’m not your only friend
But I’m a little glowing friend
But really I’m not actually your friend
But I am

There’s a picture opposite me
Of my primitive ancestry
Which stood on rocky shores and kept the beaches shipwreck free
Though I respect that a lot
I’d be fired if that were my job
After killing jason off and countless screaming argonauts
Bluebird of friendliness
Like guardian angels it’s always near

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I’m the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

(and while you’re at it
Keep the nightlight on inside the
Birdhouse in your soul)

Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I’m the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch (and while you’re at it)
Who watches over you (keep the nightlight on inside the)
Make a little birdhouse in your soul (birdhouse in your soul)

Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I’m the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch (and while you’re at it)
Who watches over you (keep the nightlight on inside the)
Make a little birdhouse in your soul (birdhouse in your soul)

Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I’m the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

My good friend Liz

Ever have a friend in high school and then go to college and completely lost touch with them? Well about 1-2 years ago, I happened to be on The Walk with Metropolis St. Louis, and I happened to run into Liz Z, an old friend from high school. It was amazing to see how much she had changed over the years and we hit it off right away. I think I always took Liz for granted in high school, but I guess that's why I cherish our friendship even more so now. I have realized what a wonderfully positive and beautiful spirit she has, and that transcends all aspects of her life. I cannot really count the number of times we have gabbed on the phone for hours (it's usually every time we call each other, or we are just calling to meet and then talk), but our talks have been very comforting for me. I hope this has been the same for her as well.

Tonight I went out on a limb and participated in a taste test survey. All I had to do was look at 4 different pizzas, eat them, and them comment on them based on my opinion; on top of that I received $35 cash for about 40 minutes of my time. It was great, and I'd do it again if they ask me. Anyway, afterwards Liz's friend Liz S. was hosting an "American Idol" viewing with friends. Although I wasn't planning on going originally I decided I needed to be out of the house and be with people. I planned to work out after the taste test, but I really just needed more 'people' time. I went over to Liz S's house and met a few new people, watched the show, and played on the baby grand piano at her house. I was at the piano looking for music and Liz is trying to ask me a question. I had no idea what she was going to ask so I continue looking for music because I was sooo excited to play on a real piano again. With my back turned, rear end bent over, Liz asks me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I think I was in shock that I had no idea what to say. I was like 'yeah sure, I'd love to.' Ok well, that wasn't exactly the response I wanted to give, but when I get surprised I'm sometimes so taken aback that I just blab whatever stupid thing comes out of my pathetic mouth.

All excited, because of the fantabulous news (I'm one of two friends she asked, her friend from college, Liz S., and me. The other two ladies are her sister and sister-in-law.), I eventually go back to the piano after a hug and "Yeah, this is so cool's." Liz S. comes over and starts singing as I play while her family and Liz all listens. I immediately kick in 'accompanist mode' and it was cool. It was like a spirit in me was renewed.

We then headed over to Talayna's on Hampton and karaoked a bit. I actually surprised myself by coming out of my shell and sang a few numbers: "Come Away With Me" by Norah Jones and "Concrete Angel" by Martina McBride. Only one of those songs had I sung before at karaoke. While admittedly those songs are low in my range, I think I carried them fairly well. I took notes on songs to make sure I know so I also have more fast numbers for next time. I like doing karaoke, but I needed more fast entertaining songs and wasn't sure I could do them to my liking. So that's something I will be working on.

Now I'm at home, writing in my blog way past my weekday bedtime because I feel the need to express my inner thoughts to the world. The main points are: 1. Liz Z is awesome and I'm so glad God has brought her back into my life. 2. One of these days I will own (someday) a baby-grand of my own so I can get into my sightread for fun modes again. 3. Somehow tonight being with my friends and playing piano gave me the feeling that everything is going to be alright. God will look after me, and I have faith that indeed I will find a roommate or even two. As of today, I seemed to receive some response from unexpected sources, so my 'life as I know it' may be 'saved.'

Well, I'm heading off to sleep now. I just had to communicate how I felt regarding the events of the last day and night or so. Liz Z you are awesome! Thank you so much for being my friend and asking me the honor of being a bridesmaid in your wedding!

My 'Baby' is back!

Today I called Bommarito Mazda and they said my car was finally done. I went over there today and it was literally like driving a new car. I haven't driven it for a month and 4 days, and it felt like forever. I even had to reset the radio dials for some reason. Taking the long way to drop of Lori's keys to her car was worth it. I didn't realize how much I really missed my car, and how much nicer it is to have a heater that gets too hot when you want it to and windows that won't freeze on the inside :) Zoom, Zoom! I'm sooo excited to be driving my car again. Apparently the damage was about $1,200 more than estimated. Gee, my insurance rate is going to be fun starting July. YIKES! Seriously, the amount they paid to fix my car WAS MORE than what I owe on it!!! That just totally baffles me. Either way, I thank God for allowing me the money to have insurance to get me out of bad situations. Now, I just need to figure out what to do with my darn credit card bills, so I can pay those off too :)

Not so good news

Since my roommates left, I have been forced to rethink my living situation. Through several bad judgement calls on my part, I have quite a bit of debt looming over me. I was speaking with my Dad today and I have about 3-4 options to solve the problem.

1. Find a new roommate

This I have been trying to do for a couple months now and is easier said than done. If you know of someone who is a financially reliable individual, yet enjoys living cheap, feel free to contact me. Here's the link to my ad: http://stlouis.craigslist.org/roo/55594909.html

2. If I can't find a roommate within a few months (I'm thinking March/April), I will be forced to put my house on the market and move back in with my parents.

While this is something that would be very rough for me emotionally and in terms of driving to work, it would be a good option for me to pay off my debt and start over. It's not necessarily the expenses of living alone that are killing me, it's my student loans and credit cards. However, not having the living expenses I do now, frees up quite a bit of money that I could use to pay of my debt, and do so in relatively timely manner.

3. My grandma is in the process of purchasing a house and looking at her options. There is the possibility I may move in with her.

I would probably have to pay some in rent, but this would be much less than what I am now, and would also keep me out of my parents house, and possibly slightly closer (not much) to work.

Tommorow I will be talking to a financial advisor and see what my other options are to lowering my minimum payments so then I could pay more off in principal. I have a feeling however, that eventually I will end up living at home again. This is something I absolutely and totally dread considering my last years there, but it would get the job done and maybe I could even start chunking at my student loans. It's not a bad house, just that I don't have the added 'family issues' stress living on my own that I would there. I have experienced driving 40-45 minutes to work, and it's not fun, but I will have to do what is necessary to get back on track.

I am extreamly upset with myself for thinking that I could go back to school and just truck all that on a card, and pay it back. Next thing I know I'm in a dilema financially a few years later. I can't believe that only about 2 years ago I had hardly any credit card debt, and now it's sky high. I hope this is a lesson you all can avoid learning the hard way! A couple of my friends have moved out, and then had to move back home again because of the financial strains that college and the lacking status in our economy. This really really sucks, and I'm sorry to be so depressing, but I'm stressed out. I'm so stressed that I'm continuing to get sick all the time, even though I do work out. Even yesterday evening I was sick, and the only explanation was stress. Please pray for me. :)

It's Cold Out There!

Probably due to the incredible lack of sunshine these past couple weeks, I was emensly hyper all day because 1. we had sunshine and 2. it was a development day. Development day basically means there is no school that day, but we teachers are in meetings. I used to hate PDC days because it usually meant going to workshops that had relatively nothing to do with my job. Now, I love them because 99% of the time I meet with the other music teachers and we discuss topics that actually affect what I do every day. Plus, the music department is so close that even though it's 'work', it really feels like hanging out with friends talking about our biggest passion in life, music.

So anyway, I come home all excited today because I had just spent the last hour at school being creative (which is a big deal since 'creative time' is minimal): playing recorder, working on the program music, and playing piano etc. I was so excited that apparently I decided I needed a nap to recover, that was at 4:45 p.m. yesterday. I find myself waking up at 100 am, and now I can't sleep because all I can think about is the two concerts I have coming up in a few months. I have plenty of time to plan, but I feel better if 'the thinking' process is done, and I'm in 'execute' phase; meaning, I already have everything exactly planned, I just have to make it happen. To me, it feels like knowing I have something to do, but I keep procrastinating so there is a 'cloud of stress hanging over me.' Now don't get me wrong, I have NOT been procrastinating, I just wasn't planning on doing 2 concerts, I only had 1 planned. Needless to say, I'm taken a little off-guard. Oh well.

Now it's 3 am and I still can't sleep because for some reason, my inner timer went hay-wire when I decided to take a nap this afternoon and it turned into 'going to sleep.' Hence, I am now rambling in my blog because I have 'nothing better to do.' Well I think I will attempt to sleep again, but if that doesn't work, I'll probably find myself reading. It's very strange for me not to be able to sleep more than my normal 6-7 hours a night, usually I'm soo tired that sleeping extra seems a privilage. This is how I know, I'm 'all worked up' over nothing, as usual. My parents and friends would say 'yeah, that's typical of her.' Who knows why I am this way, maybe I just feel an emmense motivation to be successful. I feel like I'm 'wasting my time,' if I don't give something, whatever it may be, my all. Good night, I hope.

Shout Out to God

I just wanted to give a "Shout out to God" for suprising me with unexpected 'gifts' in the mail, which then end up providing me with means to take care those unwanted suprises!

God Is Good! -AMEN!

Which do you prefer?

Recently I purchased colored contacts just for the fun of it. I thought it would be fun to do something different. Below are two pictures: one of me with blue eyes, and one with brown eyes. Which do you prefer? Don't vote on which picture I'm smiling better in or whatever, just vote based on eye colors :) Post your answers in the comment section.

Blue Eyes Brown Eyes

The World According to Mr. Rogers

Someone gave me this at school and I thought it appropriate for today:

"Music has given me a way of expressing my feelings and my thoughts, and it has also given me a way of understanding more about life."

I'd never thought I'd be quoting a Mr. Rogers' calendar, but there you are. Have a good Friday!

"My New" Car

This is just a quick shot out to my good friend and dentist, Lori Cochell! I was in a pinch with my rental car as mine is apparently still in repair. I was not sure if the insurance company would cover me past my initial limit, and Lori needed someone to drive her car to 'keep it going' until the new owner would be taking it. I have tremendous gratitude toward Lori for trusting me, and allowing me to keep her car going. God was on our sides as she bought a new car, just as I was in need to drive one until mine is fixed. Even better, I'm helping the soon-to-be owner out as well. I love how that works!

My LOVE for music

Words cannot express the depth and meaning that is within the music of Norah Jones. There is so much soul to her voice that I can't imagine not having her music to listen to. If I were a popular musician I would probably want to emulate one of 2 people: Norah Jones and Tori Amos. These two ladies have influenced my musical standards and helped me to get through some rough times. A friend of mine was saying how certain music can bring up many memories regarding the times he listened to certain CDs and groups. I share that same opinion.

Music is my life. I can't even remember life without music. I could not even fathom life without music! I have been playing piano since 2nd grade, and I truly have my parents to thank for giving me that opportunity. Who knew I'd be accompanying church mass every Friday at QAS by 5th grade or then taking that love with me to high school? I participated in Select Women's Choir and met some of my closest friends then. I've earned countless of awards and honors simply for my music. BTW Thanks Mr. Maynard for your encouragement and support for my vocal talent!

I loved music soo much that I took that with me to college. My parents really wanted me to go into medicine, which was originally how I entered at TSU. Despite the internal conflicts (and many tears) during my senior year of high school through sophomore year in college, I just could not ignore that I felt called by God to be an education major. It was a very wise choice, despite I did try to double major in nursing (but the conflict between the majors were too much). It is what I do, it is who I am. I think my parents eventually came around, they just wanted the best for me. About a month ago my Dad and I were talking about my student loans, and he said to me,"Well Amy, you know that was a good investment." That right there, said it all. It was like a weight being lifted, I finally felt a sense of accompishment after years of "Why the heck are you doing music? You are too smart for that!!!!". (I do still hear that from the immediate family though.) As for my mom, I think she 'came around' at my senior recital as my Dad said she was crying the whole time. But anyway I digress, I'm sure hearing about my entire musical history is not all that exciting.

My love of music is an extension of who I am. Even at TSU I would go to one of the big rehearsal rooms or one of the small practice rooms that had a baby grand and just play forever. I would go on a Friday or Saturday night (could have been any night really) and just play, not because I didn't have anything to do, but because I wanted to, I needed it. After practicing my required pieces, I would open up to random pages in my books and just sightread for hours, other times I would practice church music for Newman Center, but eventually I would pour my soul into the piano and just improvise. I really miss that. It was like an emotional release that cannot be had any other way, but to pour your heart out into the music coming from within.

Every now and again I will still go to my full sized electric Roland piano and play like I used to, but somehow it's not quite the same. Lately I have been content to play the music of others, especially Norah Jones simlply because I want to learn how to play Jazz music. Learning Jazz is like learning how to improvise with just the melody line and chords at church, only more complex. If I could find someone to teach me, and I could afford it, I would totally take a Jazz improvisation class to gain more experience and ideas with how to improvize using chords.

Going back to Norah Jones and Tori Amos. I need to mention a few things. First off I would like to thank Laura P, wherever she is, for introducing her to me. When I moved into my new home, Laura was to be my roomie, and she helped with some of the renovating. One night she brought over some CDs, one of those being a single from Jones: "Come Away With Me." We would just sit outside and talk and listen to the same song for hours it seemed. I miss that. I would say that Laura always had (and still does I'm sure) a flavor for finding music that I had never heard of, some good some not particularily interesting to me; none-the-less it was different and I thought it was cool. She also had a flavor for knowing movies lines and how to use them at the right time so they were funny. I remember being envious because I felt like I wasn't funny, and I'm horrible at remembering movie lines unless I've seen the movie 20x. I'm finding now that I miss hanging out with her and Liz. But I must digress again (I'm good at tangents can you tell? :)

For memories' sake I must include the lyrics of this song in my blog. To me it symbolizes starting over (even though the words are mostly a love song), because that's what I was doing when I heard it. I feel like I am once again, starting over, in a very positive way. A certain someone I know is doing the same thing, and this person's spirit is very much contagious for me, since we are almost in the same 'place.'

"Come Away With Me" by Norah Jones

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away with me where they can't tempt us
With their lies

I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows
knee kigh
So won't you try to come

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountain top
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

I know I'm going overboard in my length for this blog, but I have to include this song too. I learned how to play it on guitar with Dr. C's "Guitar for Elementary Education" class. It was the best class ever, I felt like I was not only learning an instrument, but also getting a glimpse at who Dr. C really was. I guess I'm missing a lot of people right now. Oh well. Here goes nothing:

"The Wind" by Cat Stevens

I listen to the wind
To the wind of my soul
Where I’ll end up well I think,
Only God really knows

I’ve sat upon the setting sun
But never, never never never
I never wanted water once
No, never, never, never

I listen to my words but
They fall far below
I let my music take me where
My heart wants to go

I swam upon the devil’s lake
But never, never never never
I’ll never make the same mistake
No, never, never, never

Thanks for reading my blog today :)

Crushers Unite! Taken New Year's 2005! And yes we did crush!

Goodbye 2004, Hello 2005

I never would have imagined how the events of one week in a year could unfold in such a way to change my view of the direction of my life. I feel like these last few days, maybe weeks, months have helped to change me in a very positive direction. It's strange that I am single and ok with it. In fact I want to be single. I feel like I have found a strength that I never knew was within me, or that was always there but I couldn't find it.

I went to church over this holiday, and also today and I felt like God was calling me to start over. He was the fuel lighting the fire that I felt was practically dead or dimmed for several years. I feel like I have been 'dead,' not myself, like something was missing, like the light in me was snuffed.

My first teaching experience led me to question my career choice. And while there were successes, I felt like certain factors were bogging me down, weighing me so far down that I could not really be the teacher I wanted to be and knew I could be. During that part of the time, I built up the courage to live on my own, alone with no roommate, in my hometown of STL. I think that was a very slow beginning to reach where I am exactly today. Eventually I reached the gumption to buy a house, of which I know also live on my own. While I would say that I miss 'my Princess' (college friend and roomie), there is something to be said about being an independent person. I also have a new position now that I absolutely love, and I feel like that change has also been a 'breath of fresh air.'

Granted, my friends and relationships have influenced who I am, and bad or good I am grateful that God gave me those experiences so that I could reach today, Jan. 2, 2005. I cannot particularily describe the amount of inexpressible freedom, like a lifting of a weight burdening me since I graduated from college the second time.

I do not think that how I feel right now can be described by one particular event, or be in direct relation to any one person in my life, but I just feel absolutely amazing. I feel like a once free, but then caged bird that has been set free after 3 and a half years of being stuck in the same place. While from this point on I may and probably will flounder around to figure out the answer to 'where do I go from here?,' the sky is the limit and who knows where my wings and the wind of change will take me.

Happy fabulous new year!