Fly Away

I came home today played a broken MM C7 chord or (C7+?) and randomly sang this song. Wish I could elaborate farther but, apparently I just need to sing that little bit to express myself. Some of the songs I teach are really short, so I guess my little random song is perfectly fine the way it is. Too bad I don't have any good software to share it with you. I don't even know how to make a .wav file using my voice on a PC. I can do it on a Mac though :)

Fly, fly away

Fly, fly away

Let me fly up in sky away

Free to be whoever, whatever I may

Fly, fly away

Oh, fly, fly away

Copyright ©2005 Amy M. Bauer

Shrimp Alfredo

Wow, I must have made one of the best dinner's I've ever had today. I had no clue what I was doing, but it turned out delicious!!!!!! Here's the 'approximate' recipie:

Half Box of Fettucine Noodles
1/2 Jar of Classico Four Cheese Alfredo
40 pre-cooked shrimp (thaw in water)
7 0z can of Georgio Chunky Portobello Mushrooms
5 chopped marinated artichokes quarters
1 tsp (aprx) Thyme
1 tsp (aprx) Savory
1 tsp (aprx) Basil
1 tsp (aprx) Oregano
3-4 cloves of garlic (meaning the little peices from one clove) minced fresh


Boil the noodles (put in 1 TBLSP of Olive oil and salt to avoid stickage, don't forget to stir). After thawing shrimp in cold water, take off tails and put in frying pan. Add artichokes, mushrooms, garlic cloves, and sauce. Mix ingredients and then add spices to taste, stir again. Bring to a simmer and cover for approximately 10 minutes (continue to stir on occaision) on low. Once the noodles are done, add to taste the amount of shrimp/alfredo mix you want. Add parmesean cheese on top to taste.

Man this was good! I felt like I was 'out to eat.'

My place in this world

It's very strange but I really feel that I have found where I am supposed to be. I was so tired today after this weekend, but it really wasn't so bad because it seemed the students and other teachers were tired as well. I don't know if I'm more patient/understanding or because I was their teacher last year so I have more respect or because I've found better ways to keep them focused, but my students seem to be 'right with me.' They are like sponges and I'm loving it. It's maybe the 3rd-4th time they've seen me this year and I have them counting rhythms, reviewing solfege syllables, reviewing or introducing musical terms, or exploring dancing/movement and steady beat. I wouldn't say any of them are 'angels' just that they seem to have miracuously remembered a good deal of what I taught them last year and it feels great! I can see some students will be more challenging than others but I already feel very attached to them like they are my own. I really didn't know teaching could be this way. I was so bogged down for my first three years that I really didn't have much chance to enjoy it other than the obvious successes and really good days. I love working with my students, and I pray one way or the other the enrollement or other opportunities within the district will keep me full time (hopefully at my school since I love it there!) next year.

I didn't imagine that I would actually figure out where I was supposed to be in life. For a while I really felt that I made the wrong choice and I should have gone the nursing route. I still have time to go back to school before my anatomy class 'expires' but I'm really not so sure that is what I want. I enjoy where I am and want to give as much as I can to my students (well within reason :) I am also working on getting my debt down to minimum. I ran into a couple students this weekend at my weekend position, and they seemed really excited seeing me outside of school. It was cute. I'm hoping I'm successful there enough to at least stay on for as long as I need/want to in order to accomplish my debt-reducing goals. Somehow I have a feeling my life will be completely "up in the air" next year. I don't know why or how exactly, but I have a feeling it will involve a move, a new job, or something different as in 'major' change. Usually I'm right about my intution so I'm trying to make this year count one way or the other. My intuition is about as 'right on' as me predicting various marriages with friends or predicting outcomes of something might say to me before they even say it. This is the feeling I'm getting, and it could be God's way of saying "get ready, change is coming fairly soon."

I don't know what change I'm not doing anything different. Nothing 'major' has really happened to me like a new boyfriend, or move, or new car type thing. Maybe my change is more of an inner change. Either way I really feel something is coming whatever it is, and I have to be ready. I feel that whatever I'm doing now, is getting me ready for whatever it is. I know that sounds wierd and vague but it's how I feel, and I know it means something of significance. Anyway, as I was thinking of writing this blog, I heard this song in my head. Of course, everything must relate to a song being who I am. Here it is:


My Place in this World performed by Michael W. Smith


The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled
A heart that’s hopeful
A head that’s full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems
Feels like i’m

Chorus:
Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me
Hear me asking
Where do I belong
Is there a vision
That I can call my own
Show me i’m

Chorus

Weekend Update

Wow this weekend was absolutely crazy! Like I was saying in previous posts I really haven't had time to 'stop and smell the roses.' Any free time I have is very limited and usually invovles a chore getting completed at home.

Friday night I finally got my oil changed. It was only 4-5k behind. The line was so long I decided to have my nails done whilst I waited. So now I have nice looking fake nails and french maincured feet. Not sure if I can handle the nails, but we'll see how long they last. I was going to attend a friend's b-day celebration but by the time she called me I fell asleep I was just that tired. Saturday I worked at WEO, and more than made my weekend with one sale. I then went to volunteer at "The Lot" sponsored by Metropolis. It was fun to see everyone, drink free, and just hang out. After taking Jen and her friend home, I crashed in bed for a nice sleep. Sunday I worked again, and did fairly well. Note to self: just because the store is out of merchandise doesn't mean it's my fault :0)

So now I'm chilling for 2 seconds writing this before I mow the lawn. I'm debating on working out because technically I'm sure I walked at least 10 miles working this weekend alone. Later.

TA DA!

YEAH!!! My Dad brought the first gun that I learned to use (like I said he kept switching them on me) and I actually shot really well today! I'd say I went from 25% to about 65-70% and I've only been shooting skeet four times in my LIFE! This is about 10 rounds (25 shells a round) total! I was so excited! It was strange that I totally missed the easy targets, but then nailed the hard ones, I even hit one I had never done before! I guess it just clicked. My Dad says that usually you get really good and then lose it one week, and it just comes and goes sometimes. Today was the first time I saw my Dad shoot, and he's really good! It was cool. I also got to see someone shoot two at the exact same time on a 'double pull.'

On another random note I discovered that I managed to jam my hip socket in TKB (turbo kick box.) I can't give up TKB, but I will at least keep my exercise to walking until we know for sure I'm healed. Today I was really sore and in pain, but ibuprofen saved the day. We'll see how I am tommorow. Wish me luck! I really have no clue what is going on with the left side of my body. First I get shin splints from running training, now I've got a jammed hip and my neck on the left also feels stiff. I could just still be healing from the Dec. accident or maybe I just overdid it in TKB on a stressful day or something :)

WHOOHOOO, I'm so glad I'm making progress with skeet shooting. It actually made my day! My Dad says I'm very instinctive, so hopefully I'll stay that way. If you think too much, you actually get worse. It sounds strange but if you experienced what I'm doing then you'd know what I was talking about. Happy Weekend!

Top 10 Internet Fads

This site goes on about the top 10 internet fads. Apparently I was 'out of the loop' as I only knew about half of them. But at least it was fun looking at the ones with active links.

Check out my new links (since I changed templates, and I'm not knowledgeable about blogger enough to make my own). One of them is to Shockwave, which has a fun game called "Bookworm" it's fun!

Overdrive

Ever feel like you are stuck in 'overdrive' mode? I have no clue why but I am determined to go above and beyond. Usually this means I do way more than I should, and push myself to all possible limits. Today is only Monday the 4th day of school, and I was there until 630. Not because I had to be, but because I was determined to figure out these orders for school. I found a fabulous sale on isntruments in one of the catalogs and so I have to snap them before they are gone. I'm not going to tell you were in case, they are super-popular, which at that price I know they will be.

I can already tell I will be really worn out by the end of this year (who isn't?), but I know that I will enjoy it. I already notice that my teaching style and approach has changed, and it will be more beneficial to the students. Part of this is the year of experience, part of it is my unquenchable thirst for resources and ways to make things more interesting. I have a sneaking feeling (due to possible loss of enrollment at the school, or the possibily of not being able to travel to keep things full-time) that I could be hunting for another position next year, and so I want to make this year with the students count. I love seeing them again and I'm so excited to be their teacher. It's a shame that for specialists we are 'kept down to the minute' of our teaching time wheras say the librarian will always be full time no matter what the enrollment (I think). 'We' are looking for ways to offer additional courses if enrollment is down, as it makes a huge difference for the students (and teacher) to have a full-time permanant teacher. This year will be easier for me than the last, but I will definitely be keeping things challenging and trying new ideas.

I am really very excited to be teaching such a fabulous group of students this year! It is highly encouraging for me as my first three years of teaching in another district were a bit rough. I love the district, I love the people I work with, and I wouldn't change schools for the world. I hate to admit it but I think I found my place in life, and all this time I feel that God planned for me to teach. I feel like I have so much more meaning in my life because I have a job that can make a difference for the future of tommorow. Sounds cheesy to you maybe, but it's true. Anyway I should be asleep, so I will attempt to sleep now.

Random Thoughts!

YEAH! I passed my WE certification! It is really hard not to be nervous in trying to remember everything that one needs to go through to meet all their standards, but I passed. I even did well on the computer test, which was really killing me earlier when I had to miss an hour of training.

On the way home from Fairview Heights, I couldn't help but see the giant neon sign, three hundred parking lot lights, and strobe lights for "Hollywood." If anyone has even been close to or on Rt. 3 you know exactly to what kind of establishment I refer. I was very disgusted by the fact that there were quite a good deal of cars parked in the lot (on a Thursday during happy hour to at least 9pm) as well as the establishment across from it. Before, I simply went to appease the group of people or person that I accompanied.

Since I've had time away from that life, and to start thinking about myself again I remembered something. Oh yeah, I didn't really care for them (these establishments) then, and I really don't care for them now. If I must be up past 3 and still want to be out, I'd rather choose the Oz or Pops. I am very much out of the going crazy phase of my life. Being so crazy I'm sure has kept me from going to church, getting the sleep I need, and or losing any type of weight from all the calories beverages incur. I really won't miss it at all! It was decent while it lasted, but I won't miss certain stressors that could also come with that. I would mention them, but I'd rather say relatively nice things, than say anything at all.

I realize that am happy to be "officially" single. I didn't realize how caught up I was in feeling like I had to take care of a certain someone, until I remembered "Hey I'm a person with needs too and I'm an accomplice to these actions so long as I stay in the situation." (While that may seem obvious to most of you, it's a little more difficult than it sounds if you a. are in love and b. you're a girl, taking care of people is practically built in (at least in my genes since I was the oldest.)

While it will be a strange experience as I really haven't been single for long since my college graduation, maybe 1-2 months tops (this means no dating of any kind), I am welcoming it with open arms. I'm doing my own thing. I'm working out, I'm finding new hobbies, I'm getting more invovled with my current position, I acquired a weekend position to make sure I can get some bills paid off sometime before the end of this century, and I am doing things for ME.

ME, ME ME! It feels wierd being this way, but I'd have to say I feel happier and healthier than I've been in a long time. I'm a more positive, upbeat person and I'm just generally a lot more outgoing. (Yeah look out, if you thought I was too 'happy' before, wait till you see me now. I almost feel like I did in high school when I'd be in a good mood sometimes no matter what was happening around me.) My attitude is this, you only have once to live. Why do I want to live in depression, lonliness, or emptiness because of whatever? You do know staying in that mode is a choice right (unless you have the 'disease' and your chemicals are off)? I am choosing this for myself and it works! I can either choose to be snappy with my students if they push me to the limit or I can find ways to be positive with them to encourage better behavior rather than bringing more attention to the behavior that disrupts their learning. I can choose to mope around the house and be all depressed or whine to friends about how depressed I am, or I can get out there and do my thing and have fun with my friends and keep up with everyone's experiences.

I am so excited about this. I don't know if it's the full moon or what! Maybe I finally let God in just enough to do what He's been working on for years, I don't know. But I feel it! I finally feel full. I feel complete, on my own, without thinking I need to lean on someone for my happiness. Ok I knew these things before, I just didn't feel them. There is a BIG difference ok, for all those people who have every thing figured out and are laughing at me because you think I lacked common sense. Has nothing to do with it. I allowed my emotions to take control of what I knew to be the right direction to go in life. I chose the easy route. Then I took the hard way for a while, which really wasn't that bad looking back on it. Now I feel like I'm on easy street again on this time I'm happier, healthier, and flat out more sure of myself. If I do feel lonely, bored, depressed I have tons of friends to call on. I could even visit my family, read a book, work out, play Classic NES games, whatever. Thanks for praying for me if you did because it's working. I promised I wouldn't go back on my decision, and I'm still on the right road and I will keep it that way. :)

P.S. The typos and sentance structures are killing me too, but I refuse to make time to edit. ;)

It's Official!

Back to school time officially started today. My day went pretty well, very fast. I couldn't believe how fast the classes went. Somehow a game, some procedure practice, and review about rules, consequences, rewards, and "parties" seemed to be 40 minutes. I must have been going light speed last year or didn't write in my last year's plans how long it took to go through everything.

Oddly, my first day of school was the first day of traveling as a teacher. It was the strangest thing for me because for one I taught in that particular teachers' room instead of the music/art/science/orchestra room where I will be teaching 2 times a week. It was almost like starting as a brand new teacher all over again. Lucky for me the kids were tired, so they were very well behaved for the last class at the end of the first day. I had no idea the first day of Kindergarten was so crazy for the teachers and students. They have to learn everything from scratch. The more I learn about K teachers, the more I have to admire them! I can't wait to be in the multi-room, as it will do wonders for my choices in lesson planning. (I forgot to say I'm in the other room because the art/ music rooms had black mold problems and were quarantined. They won't be ready until the end of next week :(

Meanwhile, I stayed at my travel school until 7pm! Even though I won't be in the room for a week, I can't teach there knowing the decor is drab. So I apparently spent a good deal of time redoing the bullitin boards, laminating, cutting, stapeling etc etc. The room looks much better, and I'm sure the art teacher (who travels like me from my school) will spruce it up herself as well. I'm so wired I can't even relax. I hope I can sleep well tonight.

Btw did I mention my goals this year are to find new and exciting methods for especially teaching the younger kiddos, espeically K. I also plan to have at least 4 concerts this year, hold a club in the fall, teach at camp again, and tutor in the spring? I want to emmerse myself as much as possible. Don't forget I have choir on Mondays (when it starts), turbo kickbox, skeet with my Dad (for a little longer), and Weekends Only. Yeah I'm probably crazy, but I need to keep my mind off some things and just be busy, busy, busy. It's what I do best: taking on more than any normal human being should. Ironically I work better that way (maybe that's why I'm so lazy in the summer? :)

Keeping it even

Someone said I was too negative on my last post (Aug 19). So ok, here's some things I typed up a few days ago, but chose not to post.

Amusing quotes I will miss: 1. "I dunnevenknow"2. "Tunnel of your doom" 3. "Ripe spring rain"
4. "Hmmm?' (Pouty face) 5. "Aeeh?" (crinkle nose) Activities I will miss: 1. Family Guy 2. The Sunday Night Ritual 3. Learning new "go out" places 4. Dancing 'till the break of dawn (on occaision) 5. Hilarious druken calls Things I will miss: 1. Someone to call for directions to any place in the city. 2. The scent 3. The sexiest alive 4. Keeping my feet warm 5. Enclosed arms, sense of feeling safe

Wasted Time

I read one of my favorite blogs today and she was talking about feeling like she will never find love. Her reasons were more so that she has many male friends, and they only saw her 'as one of the guys.' Mine is more of a sense of being unsuccessful to find the right person, and even if I had at one point, I probably didn't know what I had at the time. Live and Learn. Here's the song she quoted. I haven't heard it, but I like the lyrics.


Wasted Time by Meshell Ndegeocello

You rarely notice but I hang on your every word
Everything you say
You are much too busy to notice me
You turn and walk away
Into anothers arms hopeless ashamed
I wish I could hold you that way
Brokenhearted I dream for you to notice me

Wasted time on loving you wasted time
Wasted time on someone
Who wont love you as much as I
As much as I as much as I as much as I

In my fantasy you are asleep beside me
I feel you breathe
If only I could be there for you
The one that you make love to

Wasted time on loving you wasted time
Wasted time on someone
Who wont love you as much as I
As much as I as much as I as much as I

You rarely notice but I hang on your every word
Everything you say
You are much too busy to notice me
You turn and walk away
Into anothers arms hopeless ashamed
I wish I could hold you that way
Brokenhearted I dream for you to notice me

5 Stages of Change

I have been doing some serious soul-searching beginning with the time my dr. forced me to take off work for a week. It has led me closer to God, and ultimately I believe (although I'm still not the best at being consistent in church), led me closer to myself and toward figuring out what I want out of life. It has taken me five years, and many painful, risk-taking and also exciting experiences for me to reach the point where I am at this moment. I know I repeat that a lot,"... for me to reach where I am today" etc, but it's true. With each experience or decision, I take time to reflect and analyze because it's simply part of my personality. Each step of the journey's purpose and meaning becomes more clear, usually after the fact, but none-the-less, I see why certain things have to happen. Sure, there are some things I'd love to 'take back,' 'rewind,' or 'do-over' in my life, but one can't learn without making mistakes.

I have found that change definitely does NOT come easy. I have had to make some very difficult changes lately. It has forced me to experience pain, depression, anger, distress (maybe I should just describe the steps of grieving here?) but I know these things are temporary and I allow them because I know they are for a good purpose. For a while now, I have known about a certain set of decisions that I needed to choose in order to ultimately change and become a better person for it. A particular decision that I have made quite recently has been emotionally gut-wrenching for me. I have been in denial, depression, anger, and most certainly bargaining. I'd say I've been wavering in and out of the 5 stages for quite some time now. I think perhaps I have finally reached the acceptance stage of what I knew to be as the "following through" aspect of this change. While I'm still wavering in feeling, I am set on what I have chosen, and I intend to follow through.

This decision will affect a few people either negatively or positively; however I feel the positive outweighs the negative here. While I can't say that I won't have a slip on my 'follow-through' and mentally lapse toward my intention to change, I must and absolutely must remain firm. I must pledge to myself every day to see this (and other) decisions through. Will it be painful? Yes. Will it be rough? Yes. Will I want to change my mind at some point? Most certainly. But will I allow myself to fail on my follow through for this decision? Absolutely not! I can't say that certain happenings would be impossible to occur, only that I know that at this stage in my life, I won't allow it. I am following through with my pledge to myself, being selfish on this one through and through for once, because that is the only way I know how to make this work.

God, I really feel I made the right choices here. For once in my life, maybe I actually stopped to listen to you rather than rattle off my woes. I'm not sure for this to be exact, but I know that you will support me and will guide me to where I need to go from here. You will hold my hand and keep me strong in this difficult emotional time. I am not alone. You are with me always. I also have friends and family who love and care for me, and will offer their hand if I start to slip. But I feel, that I will not slip, for You are with me. You will fill me with your love so that I do not want and feel empty inside.

Three Little Birds

I first heard this song as I was teaching it in one of the elem. music books. I used it to teach verse/refrain and reggae. I wasn't really a fan of reggae, but when you hear it constantly in the Bahamas as I did last year, you grow a certain liking for it. I LOVE this song. It has a message that I very much need to hear right now. As I was leaving the gym today, I think I sang/ listened to it about 2-3 times to convince myself of the message.



Three Little Birds Bob Marley

Don’t worry about a thing,
’cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin’: don’t worry about a thing,
’cause every little thing gonna be all right!

Rise up this mornin’,
Smiled with the risin’ sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin’ sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin’, (this is my message to you-ou-ou:)

Singin’: don’t worry ’bout a thing,
’cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin’: don’t worry (don’t worry) ’bout a thing,
’cause every little thing gonna be all right!

Rise up this mornin’,
Smiled with the risin’ sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin’ sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin’, this is my message to you-ou-ou:

Singin’: don’t worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. don’t worry!
Singin’: don’t worry about a thing - I won’t worry!
’cause every little thing gonna be all right.

Singin’: don’t worry about a thing,
’cause every little thing gonna be all right - I won’t worry!
Singin’: don’t worry about a thing,
’cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin’: don’t worry about a thing, oh no!
’cause every little thing gonna be all right!

It's my own d*** fault

I was talking to a friend of mine for some advice today and she said something that really hit home for me. I have to write it down to make sure that I remember the feeling of empowerment that came with the statement above. There are some changes that I am making in my life, that I am committed to making, but finding it emotionally difficult at times to enforce. There are people reading this that are close to me and may think they know exactly to what I'm referring, but this is something entirely different (it just happens to apply to all of the above.) She said, "Amy don't take this the wrong way, I'm not trying to be mean, but it's your own d*** fault if you allow this to continue [meaning if I fail in my saught after endeavors]" by allowing your weaknesses to overcome you. I wasn't offended at all. In fact I agreed with her.

And it helped me realize I DO have a CHOICE!! I CAN CHOOSE the direction that I wish to go. I can either choose what I know is harmful to me and deceive myself that it is what I want, or I can choose what I know is the right and healthy path for me and make a commitment to myself. There is no try, only do (something like that from Star Wars eh?) If I want it, I can make these changes; I have to CHOOSE them instead of playing victim. I do this in most aspects of my life except where I am the most weak. I can and I will overcome the past and will move on to the new and improved. It's my own d*** fault if I don't, and I deserve the consequences if I allow myself to fail. I am determined to change without fail, no matter how hard. Nothing in this world that is good is always easy. It's easier to not change, to stay where you are than to do the opposite. Most things that are difficult are worth achieving. My goals are definitely endeavors that I can and do have control over to change. And so I shall because I refuse for it to be 'my own d*** fault by choosing to fail!

Frazzled!

Wow, what a week! I have been going crazy trying to get things ready for school. My training for Weekends Only started this weekend, so in addition I feel like I have no life as it's taking up quite a bit of time. I'm also concerned about another few issues in my life, that I don't want to discuss here, but they just have me on edge. At least my friends and I were all 'on edge,' maybe it's just in the air as a bar fight erupted at the chosen establishment. I need some rest; some answers would be good too :)

So Long Sweet Summer

School starts in a week, so it might as well be the end of the summer for me. I have a meeting this Friday and planned activities Monday and Tuesday, then boom, it's school time. I'm preparing my lessons, getting my classroom ready, and making pre-plans for my 3 programs that I'm doing this year with the students. Up for debate are the themes of each program. I might do a mini-musical or I might just do a revue, either way I would like to decide soon at least for the 4th and 5th graders as their concert is in November.

I picked out this song for the Luau, because I guess at that time I was thinking it would be the last big 'blast' I would have before starting school. There are activities planned during my free time, yes, but considering I also start training for my part-time job this weekend, things are fairly crazy. It's a good song, you should check it out.


So Long Sweet Summer Dashboard Confessionals

So long sweet summer
I stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays
So long sweet summer
I fell into you
Now you're gracefully falling away

Hey thanks
Thanks for that summer
It's cold where you're going
I hope that your heart's always warm
I gave you the best
Gave you the best that I have

So, so long sweet summer
I stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays
So long sweet summer
I fell into you
Now you're gracefully falling away

I hate the winter, in Lexington
I hate the winter, in Lexington
In Lexington, Lexington, Lexington

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Kevin Nealon and Friends


My friends and I went to the Funny Bone to see Kevin Nealon this weekend at Westport Plaza. It was some good times and good laughs. The picture above is a picture of us with Mr. Nealon in the middle (well I smiled, but I didn't know it was one of those 2 flash cameras). We were one of the first in line to see his show and he was taking a break out front :)

Correction

Today was my 2nd time out using a shot gun (not a rifle as posted earlier, oops, sorry). I did tons better today (when I was alone) doing even more stations. I learned that when I have the shot to take it right then, I seem to hesitate just to make sure I've got it and then I miss (and I wouldn't miss if I followed through on the swing, either way). Anyway, so it was really good to finally start hitting some clay more consistently and on more challenging stations. I'd say I'm up to 50% which is a 25% increase from last time. Remember, as you make fun of my numbers, that this is only the 2nd time in my life ever shooting anything (that hits something), let alone a moving target. The tricky stations are those that you have to have a certain amount of lead (like 2 ft ahead etc), the stations where you just aim and wait for it to fall there are the easiest (obviously). This time I didn't forget to hold my hand over the used shells (so they don't fly at your face or someone elses when you open the gun), and it was much easier handeling the gun.

Btw the gun I'm using is a 28 gauge with about 6.9 lbs of weight if that makes any difference to those who asked me before. I also found out that a rifle shoots bullets (really big ones), and a shot gun shoots shells (which are lead pellets that spray out and hit the target).

I thank you God

We sang this song in choir last year, and it happened to show up in an email from beliefnet. I thought I'd share it here. Whenever poetry is set to music, it just doesn't seem the same without the song behind it. Guess that's the music person in me.

Thank You for This Amazing Day

i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday; this is the birth
day of life and love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginably You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

- e. e. cummings

The Awakening

THE AWAKENING

A time comes in your life when you finally get it . . . when in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out: ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears, and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize that it`s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren`t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of `happily ever after` must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are . . .and that`s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn`t do for you,) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don`t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it`s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself, and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties, and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.

You begin to sift through all the crap you`ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you`ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with ,and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing. You stop maneuvering through life merely as a `consumer` looking for your next fix. Your learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don`t know everything, that it`s not your job to save the world and that you can`t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and you learn the importance of setting boundaries and of learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love: Romantic love and familiar love. You learn how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away.

You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love. And you learn that you don`t have the right to demand love on your terms.

And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you `stack up.`

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK, and you learn that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want--and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect ,and you decide you won`t settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his or her touch . . . and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part, in life, you get what you believe you deserve . . . and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline, and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it`s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn`t always fair, you don`t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes `bad` things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn`t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It`s just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state: the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself, and you make yourself a promise never to betray yourself and never, ever to settle for less than your heart`s desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Author Unknown