"If Music Be the Food of Love... "

God has led the last four years of my life to culminate in a position where I feel like I understand my place in the world, or at least how to handle where I am now on the so-called "journey of life". For quite some time, pretty much since graduation, I really felt without purpose: I was up against every obstacle in my first real job, and I must be the biggest failure ever (I knew I wasn’t I just felt that way). On the outside, everything looked as one would hope for. I was in a 3-year relationship headed for marriage, we were living together, we both had jobs and lived in a town house in West County with our dog and 2 cats. Somewhere along the way, I realized that he was not the right man for me. He was a great person, and he treated me well, just something did not seem right, and I don’t think I was as ready for marriage as I hoped I was.

So I decided to move out and live on my own for a year. It was the first time I had ever lived completely by myself. It was very strange at first, but I got started exercising everyday (as opposed to 3x/ week), playing guitar, and piano. I basically just invested time into myself, and it was good. Then I was lucky enough to meet someone that I consider to be one of the great loves of my life. There are people that you date and you miss for a bit after they are gone, but there are people you date and you feel your life is over when you lose them. I’ve only felt like that with two people in my life, and both of their names happen to start with the same first initial. Strange, eh?

It’s interesting how close circles of friends can be, but then perhaps never meet in between. I could have met him on any number of times. He had a full ride to the same university I attended, but then went to a different university. He was best friends with a guy, who was dating and then engaged to one of my best friends from this university. This is how we met.

I will never forget our first real meeting. I was preparing for a wedding shower the next day, and I convinced my friend in the wedding to come with me to meet him and his friends. My friend from college, said her man would be there, but I hadn’t even met him yet. So we last-minute go over to M.P.O. Reilly’s in the CWE then. I looked awful, I had an old over-stretched, purple-striped, Old Navy shirt on and some shorts and no make-up. Definitely not the right attire, in my opinion, for M.P.O.’s.

As we approached M.P.O.’s, the butterflies starting churning. I had only seen pictures of him, but had no clue what to really expect. We had talked on Yahoo IM for a week or so before really meeting. We sent pictures, flirted online with cheesy smiley’s, and talked about whatever came to our heads. I saw him in the window and freaked, what if he thinks I’m hideous? I was so sweaty from putting up decorations for the wedding shower, and I really could stand to shower and change. Oh well, what the hey? If he doesn’t like me for me, than it’s not worth my time anyway.

He was so quiet that night. I didn’t even know if he was interested. Instantly I figured out who my friend’s soon-to-be fiancé was. I’m not really sure how, just a gut feeling I guess. His friends approached me asking all sorts of questions. How old are you, where’d you go to school, what do you do for a living etc. I felt barraged by everyone but him. Standing aloof, playing pool, keeping his cool in his khaki pants and black textured shirt. Meanwhile I’m glancing over at ‘my date’ thinking, wow’s he’s cute! He was right about the hair dye mistake, but he still looks good none-the-less. What gorgeous blue eyes! Finally his friends called him over (I guess after their interview of me) and they insisted he buy me a drink. I was too embarrassed so I insisted buying my own drink.

After hanging out for a bit, his friends, my friend, and I piled into his piece of junk, red Celica loaded with trash and cigarette boxes. We proceeded to get some food from Del Taco, and went to his place for a bit. Upon entering his place, I noticed a grotesque amount of cat order emanating from within. I later found out his cat sprayed everywhere (until we got him spayed that is). It was totally a place where only men would live. What is it with men who are still living in college dorm/fraternity trash mode, aren’t we past this by nowJ? Anyway, it was getting late, and I gave him a hug. I hoped to hear from him soon.

Most of us enjoy the beginnings of new relationships as the proverbial “Cloud 9” experience. For me however, it was like I was in a dream. Never could I imagine connecting with someone on so many levels. While we each had our varying experiences, to me they seemed almost too similar to be a coincidence. I was amazed at how completely comfortable I felt talking with him and opening up to him. I never could keep something from him, he reads through me like a book. And of course, that’s one of the things I loved about him. Our first official date to Six Flags was absolutely amazing, and the next day we went again. We kept jinxing our words, and in general had a wonderful time.

My favorite date with him of all time was when we went to Forest Park one Sunday for a picnic. Cooler packed with goodies, Cheyenne, and poetry in tow, we trekked to underneath a tree in front of the art museum. There he fed me the best sandwiches I ever had, and read me poetry. At that point on I was sunk, hook, line and sinker. I will never forget that day, it was the most beautiful experience. Our first kiss was magic, total fireworks (although on a different day).

I fell in love with him after two weeks. I never told him though, because that’s just way too early (according to the ‘laws of dating’) to say it, and plus I thought maybe I was just on “Cloud 9.” Two months later, he told me he loved me, and I replied instantly without pause. I will never forget that moment. Wow, no wonder I’m still in love with him.

From then on, he taught me a ton about the city. I didn’t frequent bars very often before meeting him, and they weren’t really cool places either. He opened up a whole new world of experiences and places in the city I didn’t even know existed. I didn’t realize how sheltered in St. Louis I was until I started really getting out there and experiencing all it had to offer. Heck, I hadn’t been up in the arch until after I graduated college for crying out loud. Now that’s sad!

I’m not sure why but suddenly, I felt him pulling away from me, or maybe it was all in my head and I was just scared to lose him. We ended up breaking up at the usual 6 month mile marker. I’m not sure what it is about 6 months, but usually that’s my cut off with someone. We then proceeded to date on and off for the next 2 years. I regret having those stupid, dumb fights that couples typically have. One time we had a fight over a contact lens case, thinking about it now makes me laugh!

After 5-6 months of practically not talking, and only seeing each other because we had mutual friends, somehow we started talking again. It was like we were almost never apart. We caught up, and even talked about the past. I learned some things about myself. Somehow my experiences from this last year, going back to church, having a huge “ah ha” moment for myself through reading and a bad dating experiences in between, getting stuck at my parents for spring break, somehow it’s all come together. It’s like I just grew in relationship maturity, as if I understand what I want now, and how to be a better girlfriend in some ways.

I think at least in some of my relationships, I’ve been skeptical and untrusting. What you expect is what you get. I’m sure I subconsciously picked the wrong people for me on purpose, knowing I wouldn’t have to commit. In being skeptical about other people’s commitment to me in a relationship, it was also me who had the problem with commitment, I think. And I really did not go about the right way of solving problems sometimes. Getting anxious and jealous are really not the way to express how one is really feeling and thinking.

But that is all in the past. Perhaps I will be lucky enough to do a relationship right with someone for once. I don’t know if I’ll ever find love like I had the two men that start with “X” initial, but wouldn’t it be wonderful if I did?

Tell me your experiences. Have you ever had loves that when you lost them felt like your heart was ripped to shreds and you’d never recover? If so what did you do to ‘get over it’ (not that you forget them) but to move on? Do you think it better to have loved and lost to have never loved at all?

"If Music Be the Food of Love"

If music be the food of love,
Sing on till I am fill'd with joy;
For then my list'ning soul you move
To pleasures that can never cloy.
Your eyes, your mien, your tongue declare
That you are music ev'rywhere.
Pleasures invade both eye and ear,
So fierce the transports are, they wound,
And all my senses feasted are,
Tho' yet the treat is only sound,
Sure I must perish by your charms,
Unless you save me in your arms.

Reset from Shakespear'es Twelfth Night by Henry Heveningham