BIG FREE Music Fest!!!!

Ok people, I really want to go to this concert and the friends I was going with had last minute plans come up. This concert is FREE and THE URGE is the headliner. Please contact me so we can all go if you are interested! (The Urge is at 9:00 p.m.)

Where: Mizzou Ampitheatre
When: April 30, 2005, 3:30 p.m.

http://www.bigfree.missouri.edu/dir.html

Alcoholism Resources

A recent talk with an old friend of mine has me thinking about Alcoholism lately. Apparently I am witnessing the effects of alcoholism first hand. Here is some information for some of you maybe going through the same thing.

WHAT IS ALCOHOLISM?

Alcoholism is a disease which there is impaired control over drinking, preoccupation with alcohol, continued use of alcohol in the face of adverse consequences and distorted thinking. Generally speaking, alcoholism is repeated drinking that causes trouble in the drinker's personal, professional, family or school life. When alcoholics drink, they can't always predict when they'll stop, how much they'll drink or what the consequences of their drinking will be. Denial of the negative effects of alcohol in their lives is common among alcoholics and those close to them.There is no known cure for alcoholism. The disease can be arrested through complete abstinence from alcohol and other addictive drugs. Once abstinent, most alcoholics recover from the damage caused by their drinking. More than 1.5 million Americans are currently in recovery from their own alcoholism.

TAKE A SELF-TEST:

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/default/en_about_aa.cfm?pageid=4

Today

I have nothing life-changing or super duper important to say today, but I needed to ramble so here goes. Last night I went to bed exhausted, woke up exhausted, and will probably have a great sleep tonight. My last evening concert is over for the year, and I thank God it was successful. The 2/3 graders, especially the 2nd grade surprised me tonight with their performance. Sure not everything was on cue, but it was smooth and we had fun. That's what it's about! I even had a compliment from an ex-music teacher on teaching the students to sing unison. Well I still hear room for improvement, but yeah, they were great! Thank you!

Anyhoo, now that that is done, I have time to reflect and absorb the recent events. I'm still really conflicted. I'm hurt, but happy at the same time. I feel like I've lost someone very close to me, but at the same time am happy and praying that God will continue to guide him in the right direction.

On another note, kids say the darndest things. Last week, I wore full make-up at school (which is rare, I usually do minimum to look decent) and one of my students (K) says "Ms. B what's wrong with your eyes?" I was wearing a light blue to match my shirt; I felt like being "Springy." Another student responds, "Duh, she's wearing make-up." I'm not sure whether to take that as a compliment or what, especially since the color was really light.

Today the younger students saw me all dressed up and one said "Wow, you don't even seem like our teacher, but I can tell it's you by your face." I ask, "What do you mean?" She says, "Well you're all dressed up and wearing a suit." I also get a LOT of compliments from the kids when I have my hair down, make-up on. Seriously I'd love to do that everyday, but sometimes it's way more work than I can handle. As for dressing up, I wear appropriate work clothes, but I make it a point to look nice at concerts. It's not every day that I wear sequin embroidered shirt underneath a suit. It would be impossible. For one, the clothes I just bought (before I left Gap in the Fall) are already starting to fall apart from so much use. Somehow dancing around, or moving risers, or getting hugs from students who leave an imprint of dirt on your clothes when they are done is killer. My shoes are about dead too, and I just bought them. Gotta love the kids! :) I love my new job, I hope our enrollments go up by next school year (06-07), or I might be facing a part-time or job change situation. YIKES!

Anyway, people it's late. Good night.

Following My Heart

This past weekend’s events helped me to realize some very important things about God, my friends, and myself. I have to come to learn, but also to experience first hand that everything happens for a reason. God is not only working in my life but the lives of those very close to me. He brought about a chain of events so that me and another friend could have a much-needed ‘wake up call.’

Ideas that I have felt deep within my heart, but couldn’t quite put my finger on, came to light this weekend. Events leading up to this weekend were also necessary for me to have matured to a place where I am today. (I’m all grown up, well at least getting there J) I know I have been saying this saying quite a bit lately. It probably sounds cliché to you, but it’s nothing farther from the truth. God is working in me to create positive change for the better, and I am at a place to receive and be open to His council (finally!).

I have been praying and asked for prayer regarding some concerns in my life. And almost like the blink of an eye, God answered my prayers. Like a chain of events or string of occurrences (go String Theory go!), God has changed the harmony of my life. I found myself constantly going back and forth between consonant and dissonant chords, except I stayed longer on the dissonant chords and very rarely had any resolution.

Well I wouldn’t say that I have fully reached a resolution to the discords of my life, but I’ve progressed closer to a cadence/resolution, as if from a V to a V7 or vii0 (the super script 7 means it’s a seventh chord one step a way from I). Saturday some events occurred that to me were completely shocking and confusing. I was not so much hurt at the time, but more in disbelief. I chose to go home after an unexpected long night out, so that I could attend church Sunday. A certain someone was upset about this, and I didn’t fully understand why after all his helping me to learn to respect myself. Anyway, I stuck with my commitment to God for once, and hoped that this would have positive affects. Sunday I met up with another friend of mine whom I had not seen in almost a year. I was anxious about meeting, but it was a very good talk. It was like everything clicked with what she said, and I felt I could trust her again.

It was a very good meeting and she helped bring some insight over events from the distant past and the recent past (being this weekend). I don’t know whether to feel happy or sad, but I can say that I’m very anxious for the future. I am scared for what I might lose forever, but maybe then again I never fully had ‘it’ because of a certain chemical involved. No, I know I had it, it’s just not available at the moment. How do you act strictly as a friend toward someone you love dearly, but you know that the best thing is for you to be apart from the other (in that way) to work out some gigantic kinks and take some time to reconcile some issues in our own separate lives? It’s very difficult. “It’s simple, but it’s not easy.” God help me to do the right thing and to be a good example and of good support to my friends and loved ones. I need your guidance now more than ever!

It Was a Lover and His Lass

It was a lover and his lass
With a hey and a ho, and a heynonino!
That o'er the green cornfield did pass
In the springtime, the only pretty ring time,
When birds do sing hey ding a ding:
Sweet lovers love the Spring.

Between the acres of the rye
These pretty country folks would lie:
This carol they began that hour,
How that life was but a flower:

And therefore take the present time
With a hey and a ho, and a heynonino!
For love is crowned with the prime,
In the spring time, the only pretty ring time,
When birds do sing hey ding a ding:
Sweet lovers love the Spring.


-Shakespeare

Devotions Pt. V

This is the last set of verses I read the day I originally posted "Today's Devotions." I wish I had more Biblical resources to help me get through the emotional turmoil that creeps it's way in, wreaking havoc on my heart. No matter what I do, I still feel empty, although I'm supposed to be filled with God's love. I don't get it. :(

Truth from the Bible about Christian Fellowship:

Live a life of love just as Christ loved us and gave himself for us as a sweet-smelling offering and sacrifice to God. Speak to each other with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing and making music in your hearts to the Lord. Always give thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Ephesians 5:2, 19-20

Truth from the Bible about Singles:

But if you decide to marry, you have not sinned. And if a girl who has never married decides to marry, she has not sinned. But those who marry will have trouble in this life, and I want you to be free from trouble. 1 Corinthians 7:28

I want you to be free from worry. A man who is not married is busy with the Lord’s work, trying to please the Lord. But a man who is married is busy with things of the world, trying to please his wife. I am saying this to help you, not to limit you. But I want you to live in the right way, to give yourselves fully to the Lord without concern for other things. 1 Corinthians 7:32-33, 35

Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don’t depend on your own understanding. Remember the Lord in all you do, and He will give you success. Don’t depend on your own wisdom. Respect the Lord and refuse to do wrong. Proverbs 3:5-7

Enjoy serving the Lord, and he will give you what you want. Psalm 37:4

Truth from the Bible about Marriage:

When a man finds a wife, he finds something good. It shows that the Lord is pleased with him. Proverbs 18:22

Get married and have sons and daughters. Find wives for your sons, and let your daughters be married so they also may have sons and daughters. Jeremiah 29:6

But because sexual sin is a danger, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. 1 Corinthians 7:2

Let us think about each other and help each other to show love and do good deeds. Hebrews 10:24

Ever Feel Like Your Horoscope is Right On?

Sometimes I will randomly check my horoscope just for fun. I usually don't make anything of them, but every now and again, it's like they hit the nail right on the head. I wonder what the mean exactly for today's. I also looked up a compatability with a particular person I know. WOW, it was wierd reading it, strangely seems like they are talking about me!?!?

Daily Overview for April 20, 2005
Provided by Astrology.com

Quickie:
Secrets abound. Keep your lips sealed if someone confides in you.

Overview:
Still feeling woozy, romantic and nostalgic -- to say the least? Well, the person you're thinking about just so happens to be having those same feelings. Of course, if you don't contact them, you'll never know.


Compatability

When Scorpio and "X" make a love match, it is a fusion of two very different life philosophies and many very different needs. There is much chance for friction here. Where Scorpio faces their inner emotional world directly and with an intense energy, thinking deeply about the more hidden undercurrents of life, "X" takes that same sort of energy and turns it outward. With their unusual, idealistic and, above all else, very social outlook on life, "X" seems an odd choice for the more introverted Scorpio. "X" needs a crowd to feel stimulated, and they're always looking around the room for the next interesting person to get to know. Scorpio, on the other hand, desires engaging, probing and very intimate time with their romantic mates. This pair may seem to have very little in common, but they both have such strong wills that, when focused on their relationship, can get them what they need and want.

Both Scorpio and "X" can be uncooperative and opinionated: They like things to go their way, no questions asked! For this love match, though, 'their ways' are very dissimilar. Scorpio is inquisitive, digging deeply into the hidden meaning of things, always asking questions and wanting to know where things are going and why. "X" is progressive and affable yet does not enjoy detail. Scorpio may be enticed by their differences, as "X" shows them new, exterior worlds but may end up frustrated trying to get answers from this eccentric enigma. "X" does not welcome possessiveness, either, preferring to belong to the world rather than one single person. But a stinging Scorpion can be fiercely possessive, and they require more attention than an "Xian" might be able to give. If "X" slows down and pays attention, they may find the devotion Scorpio provides to be a great support.

The Planets Mars and Pluto rule Scorpio, and the Planets Saturn and Uranus rule "X". Mars is a revolutionary, aggressive and spirited masculine energy, and Pluto enlightens these impulses and adds a rebirthing, cyclical quality. Saturn is a cool, contained energy, and Uranus is about all things different and unusual. Mars is emotional, reacting without thinking things through; such is the nature of Scorpio. Saturn demands of "X" much hard work and discipline, while Uranus gives them that forward thinking mind. A gentle Scorpio lover, careful not to tether an 'X" in too tightly can teach their mate about a life based on emotional intuition, one that quiets the intellect sometimes in favor of physical sensation. Understanding "Xians" can teach their serious Scorpio mates to calm down, to detach themselves from uncontrollable situations and to reevaluate their goals if they get off course.

Scorpio is a Water Sign, and "X" is an Air Sign. Air is about the intellect, so "X" tackles life as one chance to grow and explore after another, while Scorpio is more analytical. Scorpio looks for purpose, and "X" seeks stimulation. These love mates have trouble understanding one another's origin of thought. Confrontations arise is Scorpio's possessiveness gets the better of them or if "X" seems too cool and flippant and denies Scorpio emotional reassurance. Both need to learn that they view the world in different ways and they should celebrate and laugh at their differences.

Scorpio and "X" are both Fixed Signs. Both can be unyielding, dogmatic and persevering. If they have a plan, they'll stick to it until their efforts are rewarded. Once they have made up their minds that they are good mates for one another, they will never be discouraged from maintaining the relationship. But they may have such contradictory approaches to life that their relationship gets more difficult than it is pleasurable. If they believe in the value of the relationship, they will be able to overcome differences.

What's the best thing about the Scorpio-"X" relationship? Their capacity for success in their synergy. Both Signs have very powerful personalities, so neither will openly dominate the other. Once they can appreciate their differences, come together and agree on their individual roles within the relationship, the results can be intensely gratifying.

Devotions Pt. IV

Devotions Pt. IV

What the Bible has to say about love:

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing. Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. So these three things continue forever; faith, hope, love. And the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:1-8, 13

This is my command; Love each other as I have loved you. The greatest love a person can show is to die for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. This is my command: Love each other. John 15:12-14, 17

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength. The second command is this: Love your neighbor as you love yourself. There are no commands more important than these. Mark 12:30-31

But God shows his great love for us in this way: Christ died for use while we were still sinners. Romans 5:8

God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only son so that whoever believes in him may not be lost, but have eternal live. John 3:16

What the Bible has to say about personal problems:

Anyone who is having trouble should pray. Anyone who is happy should sing praises. James 5:13

Two people are better than one, because they get more done by working together. If one falls down, the other can help him up. But it is bad for the person who is alone and falls, because no one is there to help. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Truth from the Bible about Forgiving Others:

Do not be bitter angry or mad. Never shout angrily or say things to hurt others. Never do anything evil. Be kind and loving to each other, and forgive each other just as God forgave you in Christ. Ephesians 4:31-32

Brothers and sisters, I know that I have not yet reached that goal, but there is one thing I always do. Forgetting the past and straining toward what is ahead, I keep trying to reach the goal and get the prize for which God called me through Christ to the life above. Philippians 3:13-14

The Lord says, forget what happened before, and do not think about the past. I, I am the One who forgives all your sins, for my sake; I will not remember you sins. Isaiah 43: 18,25

Devotions Pt III

I have slacked on sharing the rest of these verses from before. I have 20 minutes to do this so here goes. (I hope to only have 2 more entries covering the "Today's Devotion" blog entries.)

What to do when nothing seems to be going right

Wait for the Lord's help. Be strong and brave, and wait for the Lord's help. Psalm 27:14

I wait for the Lord to help me, and I trust his word. Psalm 130:5

Let us live in a right way, like people who belong to the day. We should not have wild parties or get drunk. There should be no sexual sins of any kind, no fighting or jealousy. But clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ and forget about satisfying your sinful self. Romans 13:13-14

The Bible is your source of strength:

I am sad and tired. Make me strong again as you have promised. Psalm 119:28

I ask the Father in his great glory to give you the power to be strong inwardly through His Spirit. I pray that Christ will live in your hearts by faith and that your life will be strong in love and be built on love. Ephesians 3:16-17

God will strengthen you will his own great power so that you will not give up when troubles come, but you will be patient. And you will joyfully give thanks to the Father who has made you able to have a share in all that he has prepared for his people in the kingdom of light. Colossians 1:11-12

He gives strength to those who are tired and more power to those who are weak. Even children become tired and need to rest, and young people trip and fall. But the people who trust the lord will become strong again. They will rise up as an eagle in the sky; they will run and not need rest; they will walk and not become tired. Isaiah 40:29-31

I can do all things through Christ, because he gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

I love you Lord. You are my strength. The Lord is my rock, my protection, my Savior. My God is my rock. I can run to him for safety. He is my shield and my saving strength, my defender. I will call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I will be saved from my enemies. Psalm 18:1-3

The Lord is my light and the one who saves me. I fear no one. The Lord protects my life; I am afraid of no one. Evil people may try to destroy my body. My enemies and those who hate me attacker me, but they are overwhelmed and defeated. Psalm 27:1-2

New Online Book Discussion

Check out my new blog! Since many of us have shown interest in a book discussion, but our schedules are too crazy to meet at congruent times, I have decided to create an online book discussion. For now, I have chosen the first book, perhaps it will continue on to additional books. I just wanted to see what the interested for this might be, but I didn't want to take up all the space on this blog. Hope to 'see you there!'

-Amy

He's Just Not That Into You: My Review

Today I went to Border's with Kate and we enjoyed the 25% teacher discount weekend. I bought several books including: He's Just Not That Into You, Einstein's Violin, The Chronicles of Narnia, Shared Dream, and the new Over the Rhine CD: Drunkard's Prayer. I bought the first book because I heard it was really good, the second I bought because it sounded super interesting, the third because I want to reread these books, the fourth because Kate is a Romance novel fanatic so I thought I'd give it a whirl, the last because I like Over the Rhine.

When I returned home, I read He's Just Not That Into You in a matter of hours. It was a very fast, easy read. It was funny and interesting, although some things were really obvious. I found it to basically be written support of friends' advice and good common sense that one should keep in mind. With that said, I plan to make a list of standards, because I have to admit I am guilty of 'letting down some of my standards' for what I really want in life. I'm sure we've all done that, but I think I'd be really happier in the long run if I actually stuck to what I knew to be the correct path, although definitely not the easiest. I need to remember one thing, "I am the rule, NOT the exception. Don't waste the pretty." :)

Inside Out Loud

January through April Wash U. is hosting "Inside Out Loud." It is an exhibition exploring the issues of women's health. Tonight the St. Louis Women's Chorale, of which I am a part, was involved with a concert. The poet's featured were Sylvia Plath and Emily Dickenson. I really enjoyed hearing the soloists, especially the soprano's set.

It was wonderful to sing in a concert again, and I really felt like my voice was in hiding from being sick all this time. I realized that during rehearsal, my voice is tired from teaching all day (and here I thought there was something really wrong going on). I requested to move down to Soprano II, to lessen the exhaustion my voice feels after rehearsals. The concert made me realize that I am Soprano I in range, but singing for 3 hours during rehearsal is just rough on my voice, being that I sing and teach relatively all day long.

I'm including a poem here, which at first glance just seemed long, and I didn't bother nor have the time to really go through it. After hearing it sung, I realized, "Wow, Slyvia Plath really was messed up in the head!" Katie thought so too. We have this odd thing of just looking at each other and knowing exactly what we are thinking, and then say it at the same time. I guess that comes with knowing and being close to someone for almost 10 years. See what you think.

Lady Lazarus
by Slyvia Plath

I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it-----

A sort of walking miracle, my skin
Bright as a Nazi lampshade,
My right foot

A paperweight,
My featureless, fine
Jew linen.

Peel off the napkin
O my enemy.
Do I terrify?-------

The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth?
The sour breath
Will vanish in a day.

Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me

And I a smiling woman.
I am only thirty.
And like the cat I have nine times to die.

This is Number Three.
What a trash
To annihilate each decade.

What a million filaments.
The Peanut-crunching crowd
Shoves in to see

Them unwrap me hand in foot ------
The big strip tease.
Gentleman , ladies

These are my hands
My knees.
I may be skin and bone,

Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.
The first time it happened I was ten.
It was an accident.

The second time I meant
To last it out and not come back at all.
I rocked shut

As a seashell.
They had to call and call
And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.

Dying
Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.

It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.
It's the theatrical

Comeback in broad day
To the same place, the same face, the same brute
Amused shout:

'A miracle!'
That knocks me out.
There is a charge

For the eyeing my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart---
It really goes.

And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood

Or a piece of my hair on my clothes.
So, so, Herr Doktor.
So, Herr Enemy.

I am your opus,
I am your valuable,
The pure gold baby

That melts to a shriek.
I turn and burn.
Do not think I underestimate your great concern.

Ash, ash---
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there----

A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.

Herr God, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.

At first I thought it was a strange poem about birthdays, but then I realized it was about attempting suicide. It was very eerie to hear in the form of song. I admire Tamara Miller-Campbell, professor of voice at Washington University, for singing this piece (or even the whole set) with vigor and strength, and amazing vocal technique.

Devotions Pt. II

Well today was a very good one. School was great, choir last night was fun, and tonight we have a small concert at Wash U. But as promised here is some of the rest of what I was reading yesterday for encouragement. (Btw, I wouldn’t necessarily say I was feeling rejected however, I liked the verses).

What to do when you feel rejected:

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and he saves those whose spirits have been crushed. Psalm 34:18

Depend on the Lord; trust him, and he will take care of you. Then your goodness will shine like the sun, and your fairness like the noonday sun. Wait and trust the Lord. Don’t be upset when others get rich or when someone else’s plans succeed. Psalm 37:5-7

God has chosen you and made you his holy people. He loves you. So always do these things: show mercy to others, be kind, humble, gentle, and patient. Get along with each other, and forgive each other. If someone does wrong to you, forgive that person because the Lord forgave you. Do all these things; but most important, love each other. Love is what holds you all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14

What to do when you are in doubt about yourself:

So don’t worry, because I am with you. Don’t be afraid because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you; I will support you with my right hand that saves you. Isaiah 41:10

Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don’t depend on your own understanding. Remember the Lord in all you do, and he will give you success. Proverbs 3:5-6

You are God’s children whom he loves, so try to be like him. Life a life of love just as Christ loved us and gave himself for us as sweet-smelling offering and sacrifice to God. But there must be no sexual sin among you, or any kind of evil or greed. Those things are not right for God’s holy people. Also, there must be no evil talk among you, and you must not speak foolishly or tell evil jokes. These things are not right for you. Instead, you should be giving thanks to God. Ephesians 5:1-4

What to do when you are unhappy:

God once said, “Let the light shine out of the darkness!” This is the same God who made his light shine in our hearts by letting us know the glory of God that is in the face of Christ. We have troubles all around us, but we are not defeated. We do not know what to do, but we do not give up the hoe of living. We are persecuted, but God does not leave us. We are hurt sometimes, but we are not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:6, 8-9

I pray that the God who gives hope will fill you with much joy and peace while you trust in him. Then your hope will overflow by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Today's Devotion

I bought a little book a year or so ago, and I keep it in my desk at school. It’s called “God’s Promises for Every Day.” It has various Bible verses listed in a way to help you find what you might be needing that day. “What to do when you are…” is one category for instance. Yesterday’s sermon at church was about the church being a school, to teach you about Christianity with the Bible being the textbook. It really hit home when Matt said, “Isn’t it great to know that every answer that you ever need in your life is in the Bible? Don’t you want to go home and scour the pages to find the answers you are looking for? Why is it that we are so reluctant to get into the Word, when all the answers are there waiting to be found?”

Today at school I found myself feeling down as usual. I don’t know what it is about the mornings before school and the evenings after school, but until I’m busy with teaching/ when I’m done, I’m just ‘down’ all the time. It’s really irritating to me. I think it’s because my exercising is on hiatus and I miss it.

So today I had a little bit of free time while the students were completing some music reading worksheets, and then at lunch today. These were the verses that hit home for me right now. I’m sure this entry will be long, but you or I could then reference it whenever needed in the future.

Jesus is Your Love

Dear friends, we should love each other, because love comes from God. Everyone who loves has become God’s child and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love to us: He sent his one and only Son into the world so that we could have life through him. This is what real love is: it is not our love for God; it is God’s love for us in sending his Song to be the way to take away our sins. Dear friends, if God loved us that much we should also love each other. No one has ever seen God, but if we love each other, god lives in us, and his love is mad perfect in us. 1 John 4:7-12

And so we know the love that God has for us, and we trust that love. God is love. Those who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. We love because God first loved us. 1 John 4:16,19

I pray that Christ will live in your hearts by faith and that your life will be strong in love and be built on love. And I pray that you and all God’s holy people will have the power to understand the greatness of Christ’s love- how wide and how long and how high and how deep that love is. Christ’s love is greater than anyone can ever know, but I pray that you will be able to know that love. Then you can be filled with the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:17-19

The Lord shows his true love every day. At night I have a song, and I pray to my living God. Psalm 42:8

What to Do When You Feel Lonely:

So don’t worry, because I am with you. Don’t be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you; I will support you with my right hand that saves you. Isaiah 41:10

Jesus said, “Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust in me.” John 14:1

The everlasting God is your place of safety, and his arms will hold you up forever. He will force your enemy out ahead of you, saying, “Destroy the enemy!” Deuteronomy 33:27

He heals the broken hearted and bandages their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Be strong and be brave. Don’t be afraid of them and don’t be frightened, because the Lord your god will go with you. He will not leave you or forget you. Deuteronomy 31:6

Give all your worries to him, because he cares about you. 1 Peter 5:7

God is our protection and our strength. He always helps in times of trouble. Psalm 46:1

What to Do When You Feel Depressed:

My friends, do not be surprised at the terrible trouble which now comes to test you. Do not think that something strange is happening to you. But be happy that you are sharing in Christ’s sufferings so that you will be happy and full of joy when Christ comes again in glory. 1 Peter 4:12-13

But the people who trust the Lord will become strong again. They will rise up as an eagle in the sky; they will run and not need rest; they will walk and not become tired. Isaiah 40:31

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is the Father who is full of mercy and all comfort. He comforts us every time we have trouble, so when others have trouble, we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Be humble under God’s powerful hand so he will lift you up when the right time comes. Give all your worries to him, because he cares about you. 1 Peter 5:6-7


These are all uplifting verses to help those in uncertain times. Reading them and then also typing them again, helped to lift my spirits today. It’s not that I’m necessarily ‘down.’ I just feel ‘not myself’ sometimes, like I’m really missing something inside. Perhaps it’s God, perhaps it’s something else, maybe both. Who knows? Stay tuned as I’ll include more of the verses I read today for the rest of the week. It’s just too much to write for one entry.

Last Sunday's Final Four Concert Series

Last weekend I made it just in time to see Gavin DeGraw, Joss Stone, and Kelly Clarkson. It was a beautiful day. My soul was encompassed by the warmth of the sunshine, the energy of the people, and the meaningful music. I felt energized and freed, as if I had been a caged bird. It was like being on vacation, and I even took the metrolink by myself. How empowering!

"Right To Be Wrong"
Joss Stone

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
I've got a mind of my own
I'm flesh and blood to the bone
I'm not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

I've got a right to be wrong
I've been held down too long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe
I've got a right to be wrong
Got to sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

You're entitled to your opinion
But it's really my decision
I can't turn back I'm on a mission
If you care don't you dare blur my vision
Let me be all that I can be
Don't smother me with negativity
Whatever's out there waiting for me
I'm going to faced it willingly

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
I've got a mind of my own
Flesh and blood to the bone
See, I'm not made of stone
I've got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

I've got a right to be wrong
I've been held down to long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe
I've got a right to be wrong
Got to sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
I've got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

A friend of mine happens to be cousins with Gavin. Here's a picture of the two of them below. Can you see the resemblance? :)

"If Music Be the Food of Love... "

God has led the last four years of my life to culminate in a position where I feel like I understand my place in the world, or at least how to handle where I am now on the so-called "journey of life". For quite some time, pretty much since graduation, I really felt without purpose: I was up against every obstacle in my first real job, and I must be the biggest failure ever (I knew I wasn’t I just felt that way). On the outside, everything looked as one would hope for. I was in a 3-year relationship headed for marriage, we were living together, we both had jobs and lived in a town house in West County with our dog and 2 cats. Somewhere along the way, I realized that he was not the right man for me. He was a great person, and he treated me well, just something did not seem right, and I don’t think I was as ready for marriage as I hoped I was.

So I decided to move out and live on my own for a year. It was the first time I had ever lived completely by myself. It was very strange at first, but I got started exercising everyday (as opposed to 3x/ week), playing guitar, and piano. I basically just invested time into myself, and it was good. Then I was lucky enough to meet someone that I consider to be one of the great loves of my life. There are people that you date and you miss for a bit after they are gone, but there are people you date and you feel your life is over when you lose them. I’ve only felt like that with two people in my life, and both of their names happen to start with the same first initial. Strange, eh?

It’s interesting how close circles of friends can be, but then perhaps never meet in between. I could have met him on any number of times. He had a full ride to the same university I attended, but then went to a different university. He was best friends with a guy, who was dating and then engaged to one of my best friends from this university. This is how we met.

I will never forget our first real meeting. I was preparing for a wedding shower the next day, and I convinced my friend in the wedding to come with me to meet him and his friends. My friend from college, said her man would be there, but I hadn’t even met him yet. So we last-minute go over to M.P.O. Reilly’s in the CWE then. I looked awful, I had an old over-stretched, purple-striped, Old Navy shirt on and some shorts and no make-up. Definitely not the right attire, in my opinion, for M.P.O.’s.

As we approached M.P.O.’s, the butterflies starting churning. I had only seen pictures of him, but had no clue what to really expect. We had talked on Yahoo IM for a week or so before really meeting. We sent pictures, flirted online with cheesy smiley’s, and talked about whatever came to our heads. I saw him in the window and freaked, what if he thinks I’m hideous? I was so sweaty from putting up decorations for the wedding shower, and I really could stand to shower and change. Oh well, what the hey? If he doesn’t like me for me, than it’s not worth my time anyway.

He was so quiet that night. I didn’t even know if he was interested. Instantly I figured out who my friend’s soon-to-be fiancé was. I’m not really sure how, just a gut feeling I guess. His friends approached me asking all sorts of questions. How old are you, where’d you go to school, what do you do for a living etc. I felt barraged by everyone but him. Standing aloof, playing pool, keeping his cool in his khaki pants and black textured shirt. Meanwhile I’m glancing over at ‘my date’ thinking, wow’s he’s cute! He was right about the hair dye mistake, but he still looks good none-the-less. What gorgeous blue eyes! Finally his friends called him over (I guess after their interview of me) and they insisted he buy me a drink. I was too embarrassed so I insisted buying my own drink.

After hanging out for a bit, his friends, my friend, and I piled into his piece of junk, red Celica loaded with trash and cigarette boxes. We proceeded to get some food from Del Taco, and went to his place for a bit. Upon entering his place, I noticed a grotesque amount of cat order emanating from within. I later found out his cat sprayed everywhere (until we got him spayed that is). It was totally a place where only men would live. What is it with men who are still living in college dorm/fraternity trash mode, aren’t we past this by nowJ? Anyway, it was getting late, and I gave him a hug. I hoped to hear from him soon.

Most of us enjoy the beginnings of new relationships as the proverbial “Cloud 9” experience. For me however, it was like I was in a dream. Never could I imagine connecting with someone on so many levels. While we each had our varying experiences, to me they seemed almost too similar to be a coincidence. I was amazed at how completely comfortable I felt talking with him and opening up to him. I never could keep something from him, he reads through me like a book. And of course, that’s one of the things I loved about him. Our first official date to Six Flags was absolutely amazing, and the next day we went again. We kept jinxing our words, and in general had a wonderful time.

My favorite date with him of all time was when we went to Forest Park one Sunday for a picnic. Cooler packed with goodies, Cheyenne, and poetry in tow, we trekked to underneath a tree in front of the art museum. There he fed me the best sandwiches I ever had, and read me poetry. At that point on I was sunk, hook, line and sinker. I will never forget that day, it was the most beautiful experience. Our first kiss was magic, total fireworks (although on a different day).

I fell in love with him after two weeks. I never told him though, because that’s just way too early (according to the ‘laws of dating’) to say it, and plus I thought maybe I was just on “Cloud 9.” Two months later, he told me he loved me, and I replied instantly without pause. I will never forget that moment. Wow, no wonder I’m still in love with him.

From then on, he taught me a ton about the city. I didn’t frequent bars very often before meeting him, and they weren’t really cool places either. He opened up a whole new world of experiences and places in the city I didn’t even know existed. I didn’t realize how sheltered in St. Louis I was until I started really getting out there and experiencing all it had to offer. Heck, I hadn’t been up in the arch until after I graduated college for crying out loud. Now that’s sad!

I’m not sure why but suddenly, I felt him pulling away from me, or maybe it was all in my head and I was just scared to lose him. We ended up breaking up at the usual 6 month mile marker. I’m not sure what it is about 6 months, but usually that’s my cut off with someone. We then proceeded to date on and off for the next 2 years. I regret having those stupid, dumb fights that couples typically have. One time we had a fight over a contact lens case, thinking about it now makes me laugh!

After 5-6 months of practically not talking, and only seeing each other because we had mutual friends, somehow we started talking again. It was like we were almost never apart. We caught up, and even talked about the past. I learned some things about myself. Somehow my experiences from this last year, going back to church, having a huge “ah ha” moment for myself through reading and a bad dating experiences in between, getting stuck at my parents for spring break, somehow it’s all come together. It’s like I just grew in relationship maturity, as if I understand what I want now, and how to be a better girlfriend in some ways.

I think at least in some of my relationships, I’ve been skeptical and untrusting. What you expect is what you get. I’m sure I subconsciously picked the wrong people for me on purpose, knowing I wouldn’t have to commit. In being skeptical about other people’s commitment to me in a relationship, it was also me who had the problem with commitment, I think. And I really did not go about the right way of solving problems sometimes. Getting anxious and jealous are really not the way to express how one is really feeling and thinking.

But that is all in the past. Perhaps I will be lucky enough to do a relationship right with someone for once. I don’t know if I’ll ever find love like I had the two men that start with “X” initial, but wouldn’t it be wonderful if I did?

Tell me your experiences. Have you ever had loves that when you lost them felt like your heart was ripped to shreds and you’d never recover? If so what did you do to ‘get over it’ (not that you forget them) but to move on? Do you think it better to have loved and lost to have never loved at all?

"If Music Be the Food of Love"

If music be the food of love,
Sing on till I am fill'd with joy;
For then my list'ning soul you move
To pleasures that can never cloy.
Your eyes, your mien, your tongue declare
That you are music ev'rywhere.
Pleasures invade both eye and ear,
So fierce the transports are, they wound,
And all my senses feasted are,
Tho' yet the treat is only sound,
Sure I must perish by your charms,
Unless you save me in your arms.

Reset from Shakespear'es Twelfth Night by Henry Heveningham

Annoyed that I don't know code!

Attempting to update my blog, and make it appear as desired, I realized my main dehibilitation: I don't know code. It drives me insane that I don't know how to fix that darn alignment error for "Frequented Sites" and the link underneath it. I also don't know how to change the orange description box color ot match the rest of the site. My resources are limited through the 'guess and see what happens' method. One of these days, maybe I'll magically be taught code so I can at least be a better manager of my website. UGH!

Happy Sayings

Happiness is the most priceless thing in the world and it's free.

You can't be happy unless you've experienced sadness.

If you're happy, make someone else happy.

Smile more.

You are going to see the sun again in the morning.

When you're not happy just have a rest.

Use what you got.

Can't and happy should not be in the same sentence.

Don't be afraid to feel what it is in your heart.

You should not be unhappy about someone else's happiness.

Mistakes shouldn't be worried about, just be happy for the experience that no-one else has had.

You don't need to win. Winning is great but happiness is not a competition.

Don't treat people in a way you wouldn't want to be treated.

Remember everyone has feelings.

If you've got fresh vegies and meat, you can cook a wonderful dinner, but if you cook badly it tastes bad.

My happiness is not your happiness.

Your happiness should not depend on someone else.

Happiness is like a fingerprint - it's unique to each individual.

Happy happy joy joy...

Don't take happiness for granted.

Don't be afraid of being sad.

Retail therapy actually works.

If you can't be honest to yourself, how can you be honest to somebody else?

Learn to admit you're wrong. Take responsiblity for your own actions and it all of a sudden gets a lot easier.

Do something, and you will see something.

Be happy to be happy.

Pat a cat, kiss a dog, and spread a little more love.

Never tell someone to be happy.

Don't laugh at someone else's happiness.

Don't try to be happy, that should be easy - try not to be sad.

Be Yourself.

Don't make any decisions from your weakness.

Knowing what makes you sad is more powerful than knowing what makes you happy.

Happiness does not have a monetary value, but if you like it, buy it.

A jealous person will never be happy with what they have.

Take care of the next person. And the person after that.

To be happy you need to be true to yourself.

Mistakes are great, easy is boring.

Happiness is...

Everything has a positive and a negative - if you can't see the positive you are looking in the worng place.

Happiness isn't the meaning of life - it's a part of life.

Reflections

For whatever strange reason I have been comtemplating my life, as in where I was around this time last year and where I am now. It's amazing to me to recognize the differences or developments that I have in my life for the better.

Spirituality:

Over the past few years, I have gone from having almost a non-existent relationship with God, to becoming a member of a church. I joined Bible Study, have read some very enlightening books on God, and I typically go to church every Sunday. I'm not saying that all of a sudden I'm the best child of God, I'm just saying that I have come a long way since I used to live in my tiny Chesterfield apartment. All of this growth has been a long time coming, and has been pretty slow for me. This year has probably been the most eventful of my walk with God. Slowly but surely I feel like I'm getting 'my act in gear' to some extent.

Family:

I have come to realize recently that my family means a great deal to me. Even though I didn't like being stuck at home for three days during Spring Break, it was cool to hang out with my family. I enjoyed the hustle and bustle that happens there. While it may seem we are all crazy people, if you look hard enough the family love is definitely there.

Friends:

Wow, I have opened myself up to a whole new world of people these last couple years. I remember when I moved back to St. Louis from college, and my friends were my boyfriend, and the few high school friends still living here. Now I see my college friends all the time, and I have met tons of new people. I've renewed friendships with old friends, and opened the door to meeting new ones. I used to just hang out with one group of people almost all the time, now I hang out with all sorts of people whenever the occaision arises. It's been great fun, and I'm glad that I stepped out of my usual comfort zone to meet and get to know such wonderful people.

Love Life:

Well, I can't really say that I've progressed in any obvious way for this category (and it would take forever to describe the not-so-obvious changes). I am still single, I have little prospects on the horizon, and I'm one of 3 hs/college friends still yet to 'bite the bullet'. Sometimes it makes me sad, not having someone, but at the same time I have my friends, my family, and God. I try not to think about the fact that I would like to someday be married and have children. It's a matter of finding the right person, and being in the right place at the right time in my life to be ready for it I guess. This is not to say that I haven't dated, or haven't been attempting to progress, it's just that when you're older I guess it's harder to really meet people in a meaningful setting. I find myself being more selective because I know what I want in life. I almost see 'dating for fun' as pointless, not that it's not nice, but if after the first few dates if I don't see 'it happening' (whatever that means) I don't bother to continue to waste my time. Maybe I'm losing out that way, but I guess I'm just getting really tired of the dating game. I feel that if it's meant to happen it will, and I will continue living my life to the fullest extent that I am able or in the mood for.

Exercise:

2 years ago, I was the exercise queen. I excercised all the time, every day almost. I was training for a marathon recently, but then managed to either train too fast or because of a clumsy incident sprained a tendon in my calf. I was almost half way there at 7 miles. Since my accident, I stopped lifting weights because my back was injured, and since the other incident I can't run either. It really bites. I want to get back into exercising but I'm scared to do it to soon, because I still notice a little something in my leg here and there. The only thing I can do is ride a recumbant bike, but I never really got into those things. We'll see.

Career:

At one point I was working in a not-so-ideal school district (in my opinion), and now I'm working in the best school district ever. I love my new job, and wouldn't change it unless they made me. :) This year has been a breath of fresh air through and through, and I am definitely thankful to have been given the opportunity. I love the teachers that I work with, and my principal is awesome! Hence, my nursing school plans are on hold, and we will see where the wind blows. I have learned much teaching at this school, and it has all been fabulous!