Moving On

This summer has opened up my eyes to a few concerns. I have come to realize some things which will steer me back in a good direction with my life. The first was finding a job that not only fits me, but also the place and the people I work with. This was extreamly elemental in the happiness factor. While I'm not sure that my position on what job I should be doing will always be the same, I am sure moving on to something new was one of the best decisions I could have made for myself. The option of going to nursing school still hasn't left me, mostly now that factor is about money and do I really want more student loans.

The second realization came to me while my doctor forced me to stay home for 5 days. I realized that I needed to be more committed to pursing God in my life. I also realized that I do not give myself enough credit for the things I do for others or for my job. Somewhere I learned to feel that I am a worthless person in every sense of the word. I have no talent, and no one in their right mind could ever really have enjoyed me singing for their wedding or in my recital or playing piano for church. They couldn't ever really enjoy being my friend or really like or love me etc. They were just 'being nice.' I know this to be incorrect, but deep down this is how I feel, therefore I allow people to take advantage of me or I get myself into situations where I am still trying to please others even if I'm not wanting to be in the situation myself. I'm also really bad at taking criticism. Since I'm already extreamly hard on myself, I take things probably more personally than I should even if it's just a matter of small importance. (This part I'm working on: not to take things so personally.)

The third is that I have allowed the continued failure in 'love' relationships to affect who I am. I have allowed these failures to get me so far down in a hole, that it doesn't surprise me that it's hard for anyone to see who I really am. In general, I am a very upbeat, out-going, positive person. I like to avoid gossip, and usually only do so myself when I need advice or I have been offended in some seriously disheartening way at which point I'm probably just venting anyway. I don't know if my parents were really hard on me as a kid (wanting the best I'm sure), but this pattern has been with me since I can remember.

So from now on I am making a conscious decision to return to an emotional place in my life which is healthy, happy and consistent with what I know is better than my state in the past. Once upon a time, I exercised consistently. I did my own thing with music and friends. I made goals and I pursued them. I didn't rely or feel I needed to rely on anyone to make me happy. I won't allow myself to cry at movies because deep down I felt that I would never find love or be happy. I just really don't care anymore. I am weary of worrying what other people think or giving up most of who I am for someone else to siphon me away to the point that I don't even know who I am anymore. I really need to start living for myself, and in doing so I will be happier, healthier, and even probably a better friend to those who have consistently been there for me as a true friend.

So what if this blog is personal. A blog can be anything you want it to be. Will some people laugh or mock me for this post? Probably. But I really don't care because I'm going to start living for me, on my terms, in my way. This is the person I've known myself to be, but somehow I derailed after college graduation and have gone in the opposite direction all over stupid events. I took failures personally rather than really rising above them and learning from them as much as I could have. And I believed less in the successes that I had, blaming them on luck or God's will. Regardless, I refuse to allow myself to be played by people's games either emotionally, physically or whatever. I don't need that in my life anymore, and I'm letting it go. (Ah what a relief to say that, like a huge weight has been lifted.)

Dance Music

In my effort to make CD's for Saturday, I am in the process of finding music that is Hawaiin and also of the Club nature. I find it very interesting that I am a music teacher, yet I know very little of titles that would be good for these things. So I type in key works like "Hawaii," "Luau," "Summer," and hope that something I recognize comes up. Someone would do very well to have a site that just lists music according to category (especially music that is themed and up-to-date). It dawned on me last night to google "Top 100 Music," and I lucked out and got the billboard top 50 list. This was of tremendous assistance for the later in the party music. I've heard this stuff a million times, but I really don't pay attention to titles and artists (I recognize them when I see them/hear them; I just can't name them off by song and artist). I used to be really into CDs and contemporary music in high school (I was an alternative junkie then). Is it just that my focus has changed in life, or that I consider it non-important and someone else will know these things for me? Well at least I found once source that helped me out with music. Some of the stuff featured later on Saturday include:

50 Cent: Candy Shop, In Da Club, Just a Little Bit
Black Eyed Peas: Don't Phunk With My Heart
DHT: Listen to Your Heart (techno)
Fat Joe/Nelly: Get it Poppin'
Gwen Stafani: Holla Back Girl, Rich Girl
Kelis: Milkshake
Missy Elliot/Ciara/ Fatman Scoop: Lose Control
Nelly: Hot in Herre
Pussycat Dolls/ Busta Rhymes: Don't Cha
Rihanna: Pon de Replay
Sir Mix Alot: Baby Got Back
Snoop Dog: Drop it Like it's Hot
Usher etc: Yeah
Webbie Feat Bun B: Give Me That
Will Smith: Switch
Ying Yang Twins: Shake It Like a Salt Shaker

Maybe this will help you make a CD of fun on your own. Anything I missed?

Luau Saturday

I have many ideas for activities at our Luau, but I won't tell you what they are. Does anyone want to provide some more perhaps that we will do?

Go TurboKickBox!

I decided that perhaps to get myself motivated to working out was to go back to taking the classes offered at 24 hour fitness (instead of just running and some weights). The one near me is finally starting to pick up so I won't feel wierd being in a class where originally there were only 5 people and now it's about 20 or more. Three of the four locations I've been to have completely clear glass so anytime you shake it, everyone sees it. At least in St. Charles they have a wavy-looking film on the outside so no booty is shown. Today I went to Turbo Kick Box in St. Charles. I used to go about every day, but then they stopped offering it.

Now it's back, so I'm going back; it's a full class (which I like) and it kicks your butt. The one I went to today was not too bad in the butt kicking department, and also had Xpress Abs afterwards. Michelle in South County is really good (and is still there), but I'm glad because I'm just starting to get back in the swing. So today I was so sweaty (it was 78 degrees in the room) that my legs were dripping. I was so hyper afterwards I had to run a mile. Talking to a friend over the phone, I was going a mile a minute. (Yes, faster than I normally am, which even annoys me.) I think that by going to these classes I'll be more movtivated because it's something newer than what I've been doing (although I have much experience in the kick box realm, which is why I think I survived today as she didn't really elaborate on the moves (then again no one said they were new.) Here's my plan:

Monday: 6:30 TKB St. Ann
Tuesday: 6:00 TKB/7:00 Abs Xpress St. Charles
Wednesday: 6:15 Abs Xpress, 6:30 Camp 24 Jump n Jab, 7:00 Speed Round (almost TKB) St. A
Thrusday: 6:00 TKB/7:00 Abs Xpress St. C
Friday: 5:30 24 Set/ 6:30 Abs Xpress St. C OR Super Street (hip dancing) 6:00 St. Ann

Cabbage Soup Diet

My roommate was discussing how people at her work were on this diet. I was bored today and decided to look it up. Basically it helps you lose 10-15 lbs in a week on a short term basis to get a kick start on a more healthy diet to follow. I read around and seems also to be a good 'de-tox' from junk diet. I checked about 20 sites as there are variations on the recipie. This is what I thought might taste the best, as some call for 6 onions which seems a bit much to me. Would you try this diet? Have any suggestions for the recipie variations (notice that all the ingredients are predominantly low-carb except the carrots)?

Cabbage Soup Diet

2 onions chopped
2 bell peppers any color chopped
2 cans diced tomatoes
6 diced carrots
1 bunch celery chopped
1/2 lb of chopped green beans
1 head cabbage chopped
1-2 pkg Lipton (onion) soup
Season to taste with salt, pepper, curry, garlic powder, italian seasoning, whatever sounds good
12 cups of water

Optional (as found in other recipies):
1-2 bullion cubes
48 oz of v8 juice
1/2 cup balsalmic vinegar
10 oz. of musrooms

Cook Time: Boil on the stove for 10 mintues and simmer until veggies are soft or cook on low for 2 hours. (Why not use a crock pot in my opinion?)

The idea is you can eat as much soup as you want, but you must follow this plan for the 7 days. If you plan to keep this up long term websites suggest that you go on it a week, and then off for two weeks, repeat.

7 Day Plan:

Day 1

All fruits except bananas.

Day 2
All vegetables, raw or cooked. This includes baked potato with a LITTLE butter.

Day 3
Fruits and vegetables, but no potatoes or bananas.

Day 4
Bananas and skim milk -- eat as many as 8 bananas and drink as many as 8 glasses of skim milk.

Day 5
Beef, skinless chicken, and/or fish -- as much as 20 ounces, total. You can also eat 6 tomatoes. And you must drink 8 glasses of water. Don't forget at least one bowl of soup.

Day 6
Beef, skinless chicken, or fish and vegetables. Drink 8 glasses of water and eat at least one bowl of soup.

Day 7
Brown rice, vegetables, and unsweetened fruit juice.

Note: No carbonated beverages, sweetened fruit juices or alcohol. Take a multi-vitamin once a day. (An extra Vitamin C tablet if you feel light-headed.)

The Cabbage Soup Diet – Against:

• Does not contribute to long-term weight loss
• Not nutritionally balanced
• Monotonous
• Lacks some essential vitamins and minerals

The Cabbage Soup Diet – For:

• A do-it-yourself diet
• Not very complicated to follow
• Affordable
• Good break from junk-food diet

Huzzah!

This weekend I went on yet another float trip with Jamin and Dan's gang, but this time I visited the Huzzah Valley Resort. While I enjoyed the company of good friends, the outdoors, and good times, there were a few things that might keep me from returning at least to this particular 'resort.' First, you have to buy firewood. Second, you have to pay $.50-1.00 for a shower (which by the way have no locks, so I got walked in on two times. The first time I slid on someone's left over bar of soap and seriously scraped my knee on the concrete, at least think to knock people!). Third, many of the group had to wait in line for 20-30 minutes or more to check in. Things I did like included: 1. We accidently got a bigger raft made for 10, and only had 4 people on it; 2. I didn't have to worry about making all the plans because someone else was in charge; 3. The 'leader' knew the place well so getting to the camp site was a piece of cake (otherwise we never would have seen the teeny tiny sign that marked the site numbers.) I've heard that the Current River is pretty cool. I think maybe next time I'll check that out. I think I like trying out different rivers; however, it's a matter of service and quality of camp ground that has me worried. Bear Cat had a great website so we chose that earlier this month, but Twin Rivers (with no website to be found), was much better in service and facitilies.

$10 off Thursdays at Shop n Save

Before July 4th weekend I bought supplies for the camping trip in Lesterville, MO on the Black River. I went to Shop n Save as usual and the cashier asked if I had a coupon. Turns out that either every Thursday or every other Thursday Shop n Save has a coupon in the mail earlier that week (it's in your junk mail packet, and you really have to look). You get $10 off any $50 purchase. From here on out if I got to Shop n Save (instead of mega cheap Aldi), I plan to go on Thursday with my coupon. Just a money-saving tip I wished I'd known about before that I thought I would share here.

Harry Potter: The Half-Blood Prince

Last Sunday after the wedding I picked up my reserve copy of Harry Potter 6: The Half-Blood Prince. I finally finished reading it today. I don't want to give away the story but it was quite good. I'm enjoying the fact that the books have become more in-depth than in the beginning. I'm not quite sure why people really believe these are "children's books," young adult maybe, but the story does lend itself well for getting kids into reading (mainly because it's fantasy, well-written and is a story starting with students who are 11). (Ha, Ha! I found at least 3 typos in the book, but I didn't bother to write them down. At least it was better than the last book I read from 1988. YIKES!)

First time with a Rifle

I was visiting my parents one day and I asked my Dad if he would teach me how to shoot a gun. I'm not sure why exactly I wanted to learn just that it might come in handy some day and that it would be a good way to spend time with my Dad and get to know him better. You see my Dad is very into hunting and fishing etc. Every week or so he goes skeet shooting. This is a type of game you can play while shooting clay (It will take me a while to get to that point, it's pretty challenging and FAST!)

Well today was the first time EVER that I have shot anything besides a laser gun in laser tag or say "Duck Hunt" from Mario Brothers. My goal was to shoot at least one clay. I'm not quite sure how many exactly that I shot but it was at least 15-25 out of 50-. Keep in mind I've never shot a real shot gun (rifle) in my life, and it's not like I'm shooting a stationary target. I was shooting moving clay and had to take into account the wind and trajectory etc. I did really well on two particular stations, some easy, some hard there were two other stations (where the trajectory is a little hard to 'get') that I didn't do as well on, but I improved as I went along. I found that if I thought about it too much I missed or sometimes I would pull my head away from the gun causing the shot to be too high. I'm sure my accuracy had also something to do with 'the fit' of the gun. My Dad says there are specific guns for women that are shorter, and I was basically using the same gun he was most of the time. I found I did better with the smaller gauge gun, but also heavier in weight which gives less when you shoot ( I think I'm telling that right?)

I'm glad my Dad took me on a 'slow' day. There were only about 6 of us there, but in the beginning my Dad and I were alone. He says if I become interested enough he might even fit me for my own gun which would be cool because then I'd stop worrying about matching it up to my shoulder and focus on aiming. I really enjoyed learning to do something different. It was neat to do something for real, as opposed to fake computer games etc.

As long as you follow safety precautions everything is cool. The only thing I kept forgetting was to watch the shells when I opened the gun back up. I hit myself in the lip slighty and my Dad behind me, oops! They just fly out when you open the gun, and you have to catch them. I only forgot 3 times so it's cool. I'm just glad I did average for my first time and it's good that I'm right-eye dominant too :) The best shots were when I exploded the clay (called an eye-pleaser) or you just obliterate them. Usually when I hit them it was either that or I nicked the back/side or nothing at all. I look forward to returning. Maybe if I'll have time I'll come back on Thursday, as that's when they tend to meet. After that he'll take me to 'the property' and he'll show my how to work a pistol. Look out, I'm armed and dangerous (Just kidding!). :)

Liz and Kyle's Wedding

This weekend I took part in the wedding of Elizabeth and Kyle on July 16. I am so happy for them. The wedding went super smooth and the reception was an absolute blast! Here are a few pictures for you to see. I'm working on getting the rest of the pictures and the video I made up and working in my yahoo briefcase. It's there, but something is not working right, as it only worked yesterday. Maybe the server is down. Anyhoo, I'll keep you posted.

Bridesmaids

Liz and Kyle's Wedding

Link to pictures and video.

Online Garage Sale

I have yet more stuff to sell. Check these out on here (North County pick up):

Bookshelf: $10
Armoire: $25

Link here (So. Co. pick up):

Christmas Tree: $30
Brand New 2 Sets Dark Teal Shutters: $50 or $30/set
BOTHBed Frames: $10 SOLD

Also for sale:
BRAND NEW HP Desk Jet Printer 610 (with color and black cartridges): $40
Stain Glass Lamp Cover Blue/White: $20
Stain Glass Lamp Cover Cream/Green: $25
BW TV: $5
Exercise Accessories: $10
5 lb dumbells: $5

Habitat for Humanity

Well today was my first experience as a worker for Habitat for Humanity. We worked on house #11 in Hillsdale area of St. Louis. I helped haul in sheets for the roof, applied clips to the joists/rafters (I think that's what they're called) of the roof. I put on styrofoam insulation (that was most of my day) around the house, assisted with door and window insulation, and helped with cleaning up random scraps at the end of the day. During my first 'mission' I noticed a huge problem with alignment of the clips on the opposite side I was working on, and helped saved the house from an alignment disaster :) Overall it was a very good experience. I felt like I was doing something for the community rather than lounging around on my normal Saturday routine. You should try it some time. You learn a ton about home construction, and you can be as experienced or not in order to participate. Best of all you help less fortunate families to have a place to call home. :)

I lost it

Today I lost my 'it.' Ok, well maybe not 'that' it. I'm talking about the first time reading a romance novel. My friend Kate is addicted to these things and I wanted to see what all the hype was about. I bought a book back during teacher discount days called "Shared Dream." It had a good little story line to it that kept me interested. I'm not sure I enjoyed the need for the couple to copulate every chance she could squeeze it in the novel, but I guess that's expected out of these things. It wasn't too cheesy except for the words 'taut' and 'captured her lips' were used a little too often for my taste.

I couldn't stand the myriad of typos either. There was always an extra space next to a certain phrase and one went so far as to completely change the name of the 'heroine's' dog from Specter to Spencer. I heard that companys put typos in books to keep track of unlawful copying. I'm not sure how that works, but can't they hide some graphic error somewhere besides the story? I thought the editor's job was to catch these things. I guess I just expect a professional product from something sold on the market as such. This isn't the first book in which I've noticed this phenomenon, so maybe it is true.

High School Poetry

I lost most of the poems I wrote in high school, but a few from my sophomore lit. class survived and for some reason I thought I'd humiliate myself by including them here. FYI I'm only incluing the ones my teacher liked.

Haiku

The elegant horse
gracefully trotting along
with following foal.

Copyright ©2005 Amy M. Bauer

Disappearing Act

The clouds rolling by in
a whirlwind of thrust.
See them spin
for by force they must.

Babies tremble,
Mothers cry out.
Fathers nearby
have fear and they doubt.

No house will survive,
No place left to lie.
Cities- Desolate,
Countries- Destroyed.

Nothing left,
but one broken toy.
-Death, at the
end of life.

Copyright ©2005 Amy M. Bauer

Keepsake

An inner warmth surrounds my heart
whenever I think of him.
The smell of leather where we worked together,
and his towel as a pillow for my chin.

When I think of horses,
it reminds me of the time,
The great laughter spent,
and the chatting that went,
before we said goodbye.
I believe that I love him,
though I don't know why.

Something between us was shared,
which cannot be compared
to any other good friend of mine.

Copyright ©2005 Amy M. Bauer

Self I.D.

When I see
the pavement gray,
I fall.

The clouds roll
inside me, watch
I pray.

Stop the madness
show me the light!
Oh do you see
the misery?

Try release the cage
made by the hands
of you and me--
my self i.d.

How long now
the torment stained,
lost hope.

I'll never
swim downstream,
feel life gained.

Stop the madness
show me the light!
Oh do you see
the misery?

Try release the cage
made by the hands
of you and me
my self i.d.

Copyright ©2005 Amy M. Bauer

This is a poem turned to song that I wrote in high school. For some reason I felt like I needed to play/sing it today.

Twisted

You unknowingly weave me into your web of lies
spinning tales of supposed friendship and love.
I feel like everywhere there are vindictive spies
waiting for the right time to make their shove.

At what point did I start allowing myself to be overcome
by shallow-minded individuals looking out only for their number one?
I once knew who I was and stood my ground,
yet now it's as if I am trapped -- and bound.

Bound by the mistakes that I have made
hopelessly in love that is manipulatively portrayed
by his empty words and false hope
that one day we may tie that rope.

Is there a solution, a light, a guiding hand
to lead me out of the depths in which I currently stand?
Pray God show me the way for I have been torn,
twisted and ruined by those who love to verbally scorn.

I'm finding it difficult to step-aside and let them play their game,
and I am SICK -- of the men looking out for an easy score!
What happened to all the 'good' men
who treated women with respect and good rapport?

I don't believe they even exist
not, at least, on the 'single list.'
Love me for who I am and not how I look
and don't think you know me like an open book!

There's more to this girl than meets the eye
and maybe if you stop blowing smoke, then you'd get a chance to see
my tender, loving, intelligent, and remarkable inner beauty.

Copyright ©2005 Amy M. Bauer

Make Poverty History

Today I was watching HBO and stumbled upon a movie for which I have seen previews. It was very moving to me as I thought of my own struggles in life and how much I really do have that improvrished nations do not. I think sometimes, what if I had been born in Africa as part of one of the millions of families who are severely poor? We are so lucky as Americans to have as much as we do. During a professional development meeting, the presenter posted a list of statistics. It was based on the fact that if you took 100 people out of the world, how many people would have a computer, a car, a degree, a home etc. It's amazing to me that I have all those things, and I still complain about my student loans or barely getting by in life. I would have been most likely dead at the age of 5 had I been born somewhere in Africa. I would probably have AIDS or some debilitating disease. I do not know the detailed political solutions that may be available, but I urge you to see the movie on HBO called "The Girl in the Cafe" and to check out this iMovie on making poverty history.

Go here to voice your support of the G8 summit meeting. I did not realize this, but there is 1 day until this meeting on which global poverty will be discussed. If you support abolishing poverty, I suggest you visit this site today.

The One Declaration

WE BELIEVE that in the best American tradition of helping others help themselves, now is the time to join with other countries in a historic pact for compassion and justice to help the poorest people of the world overcome AIDS and extreme poverty. WE RECOGNIZE that a pact including such measures as fair trade, debt relief, fighting corruption and directing additional resources for basic needs – education, health, clean water, food, and care for orphans – would transform the futures and hopes of an entire generation in the poorest countries, at a cost equal to just one percent more of the US budget. WE COMMIT ourselves - one person, one voice, one vote at a time - to make a better, safer world for all.”