Guess pandora was trying to tell me something

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

-Nat King Cole

Cleansing

So D is moving in today. She should be here any minute. I then realize there are a few 'last minute' items I have yet to move or cleanse from the house. I came across some objects that made me just think about life's happenings. Some of the objects, I held onto because they were attached to another person. Seriously, I'm holding on to a burnt out seashell candle I gave someone on their birthday because? I have a receipt for an ipod shuffle that is lost in hyperspace why? Why am I holding on to computer games that are so out of date, but then were my biggest craze back in the day ... i.e. The Sims, Lemmings. I have Magic the Gathering cards from freshman year in college that haven't been used for 15 years.... A broken zippered coat with paint on it from TSU.

It kinda puts a hoarders life in perspective. I'm not a hoarder, but I think it's kinda funny some of these things are there simply because I probably ran out of time while moving. I just threw them in a box, and then they ended up in a forgotten place until it was time to move things again. Some things I have because I'm not ready to give up the memories or maybe I think they'll be useful again. Maybe I'm just not ready to take the time to throw out everything all at the same time because I have better things to do.

I've gone through my clothes knowing full well that some things I'm keeping because I'm not ready to give up yet. I've found boxes of papers that I'm keeping because you never know when they could be useful. (4 years later I did need something I saved incidentally.)

I guess this junk is just a reflection of how by human nature sometimes we have to shove things aside just to move forward. We have boxes of memories of emotions that are still there waiting to be let go or fondly revisited when the time is right. So in trying to move forward we have to either rearrange, add a new perspective, or just delete things to make room for the new happenings. Experiences are what make us who we are, but it can take a lot of time and effort to make sense of it all to really truly be free again for whatever comes next.

Thanksgiving and Black Friday

I'm doing ok, not even thinking about how normally you would be attending a family gathering. Then, my cousin asks how you are doing and people start asking about what happened. I then spent at least an hour of time just going through Black Friday ads to avoid the feelings that those questions aroused. I enjoyed that you texted me back :) I wished we could have talked when I tried to call and wish you the same I texted, but oh well. I just wanted to hear your voice. I went to my parents' afterwards to drop off some comforters of theirs I never use anymore and talked to Grams about it. We then changed the topic to my weight loss and what I was going to get for Black Friday.

When you set out to lose 10 lbs, you don't expect that 5-7 months later it turned into 20 lbs. I guess being utterly depressed with no appetite in Sept-Oct helped lose those last 2. I weigh basically what I did my Freshman year in college in 1996, which I haven't seen since then until now. I bought a few things along the weight loss journey in July so my clothes weren't falling off. Somehow by Sept/Oct even those clothes were too big. I'm telling you that I do 'cheat' and eat whatever I want sometimes, but the weight stayed off. Maybe that has something to do with my thyroid finally being in check, and the recent B-12 deficiency discovery. Dunno.

So, I had plans to do Black Friday with a friend and her fam. At the last minute they changed their location and I decided against driving completely out of my way and much earlier for that. I got depressed being alone, and decided to sleep.

After waking up a few hours later, I embarked on my first Black Friday trip...alone. It kinda sucked at first. I was panicky that I wouldn't find what I was looking for, that I would take too long finding sizes, but it turned out ok. I like to shop, but it's VERY painful when every brand you used to know fits differently so much that I basically shop in juniors now because women's smalls are like larges on me. I wanted a change, so I'm gonna go all the way. I'm changing brands, sizes, styles. I'm rediscovering myself in clothing because 'the usual' is not good enough or maybe it's just too darn hard to figure out sizes. In addition, I don't need 'teacher' clothes anymore so I finally get to buy only for me.

About half way through my Kohl's experience I realized I'm basically buying an entirely new wardrobe. I have to buy almost everything but shoes in a different size. For shopaholics, it's great. But I'm HORRIBLE at making shopping decisions. That's why working at the Gap was great. I just wore their stuff, I followed their fashion.... easiness. Since my normal stores are now far away, Maurices is my new store. Macy's also carries similar fashions and styles. I'm just overwhelmed that I even have to get a new dress coat. So I get home, waiting for the carpet guy... writing this before going through my spoils. I know I'll have to return some things. I got to a point where decisions were useless so I just bought whatever sounded good and will return it sometime this weekend. Anyone who has shopped with me recently knows that it's just easier that way that for me to make a final decision in the store, especially on a day where time is $.

So I talked to D, she got me through not crying when I got home. I'm just so overwhelmed by all the change. It's difficult. It's good for me but really emotionally difficult. I've been through so much these last 5 years. I can take mostly every thing, but any change in love/relationships/ personal things is the hardest for me. I can go to school while working full time, I can change careers, change houses and apartments, but losing someone I love, 20 lbs of weight, among other things is just getting to me.

On FB I mentioned wanting to rip out everything from my life and start over. Since I can't move or start from scratch. I'm getting rid of the old and bringing in the new. I push myself and push myself, but I have to or I won't survive. It's part of who I am. I cannot be stagnant, but this is just soooooo hard when I have time to think. I can't wait to get back to work sad as that sounds. I need the distraction, I need intellectually challenging things to keep me busy (why I'm going back to school... again). D is moving in tommorow. I think this will really help me with my lonliness, but I hope I don't overwhelm her with my usually ridiculous ability to talk forever about nothingness :) (hence why I'm writing random,.... and very random, not organized thoughts on here right now)

Will it ever stop? Why does this bug me so much? UGH!

You still creep in

You still creep in my life whenever something triggers thoughts of you. I wish we could talk or even text more, but apparently being many miles apart in another state is not enough. I miss you.

For those who say 'get over it already'

If I'm such a strong, independent, beautiful woman with a lot to offer, than why do I feel like I have a giant gaping hole in the middle of my chest every time I think of him? I guess for me love runs deep for the rare person, but hard to get over on the also rare occasion it went deeper than I thought. I don't give a flyin' if it was the 'effing right thing to do' like everybody says! Those peeps don't have to deal with how I feel every tiny second I zone off or have a moment to think. It hurts and it sucks, and the fact that I'm being pushed aside makes it more so. Why I care still almost 3 months later, I don't know. I can't explain my feelings. I just know they are there. I am a naturally HIGHLY motivated person to move on, move up, improve, learn etc. Normally I'm not the person who needs someone to 'light the fire.' I've already lit it and I'm making 'smores. So if I feel like I'm being pushed it means that I am. My heart does not shove push or pull, it just is. I'm forcing myself to push and shove everything away and it's very very hard for me when it comes this person. So just keep saying the same supportive crap over and over and eventually I'll get over it. Until then, just keep on saying, but be nice to me... my heart is slower than my brain in this matter. On the outside I appear like a very strong person, but if you haven't figured it out yet, you now realize this is my achilles heel.

Lunch Table Thoughts 10/31

Every time I have a chance to think,
my thoughts turn toward you.
My eyes begin to sting,
and I guess that means I know how I feel is true.
The pain subsides more each day,
but I still feel lost and defenseless on my way.

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Pablo Neruda

Double Edged Sword

The big 'D,' no one plans for it, no one expects it. Why else would you go through the hassle, I mean, joys of a wedding ceremony/ reception experience ;0) So this is what I am discovering through my first break up after divorce. I've talked to several other friends who have also gone through divorce recently and also within the last 6 months or so experienced their first break up.

The conclusion is simple. The very first long-term relationship break-up after divorce hits as hard if not harder as getting divorced itself.

All of us experienced the same essence of pain, the same memories of failure, and the same inner struggle that came with divorce. The first break-up after divorce then is like getting to experience the divorce all over again. Who knew? You don't expect divorce, you don't expect to get your heart torn up in a blender just as badly if not worse in the following failed relationship.

Somehow having had this discussion with several of my friends and we all went through the same emotional struggles, makes this experience more tolerable. For one, there is someone to talk to who gets it. For another, it's recognition that the experience is apparently a natural occurance. The people in this 'study' were all girls late 20's to early 30's who had been divorced, fell in love again, had a long term relationship, and then experienced a miserable break-up.

Although I could probably attempt an effort at a better writing style, I am actually happy about being over analytical this time, so that I now am beginning a 180 toward moving forward and letting go of the past.

The past is the past. One day at a time and all that jazz.... the end. :)

Birthday Card

I woke up today with a text at 0615 with my first Birthday greeting, one minute from my actual time of birth and thought that was pretty cool. I am going through a rough patch, to say the least, and was/am expecting this day to be of pretty poor quality. Today is the first birthday I've been single in I don't know how many years I can count. It's especially tough when only a year ago (divorced August 2010) I was married and never would have expected to be in this position. Course, I never expected to get divorced either. I don't know why it bothers me so much, a day is a day, yet I am just a complete wreck inside trying to make it through all of the things that keep catching me off guard.

After my divorce, I basically felt like a complete reject. I am guessing this is pretty common for those who experience this in their lives. Luckily for me I have great co-workers and friends who helped me overcome many of the hurt feelings that come from such a situation. Oct 1st 2010, I went on a blind date with someone I was set up with at work. It was the most I had laughed in what felt like years. I thanked God I don't know how many times for his presence in my life because of the connection we made so easily. The experience washed away all my feelings of self-doubt: being early thirties, single and divorced after one year. It made me realize that truly time heals all wounds. Sounds silly I know, but when you experience divorce you'll know how much it just tears at you.

August seems to be a bad month for me, because again I found myself single. It was my choice, but my gut told me it was the right thing to do. While together, all things pointed to a long, happy relationship. We were good friends, he made me laugh and all that fabulous fun stuff. There was a special connection we shared that is just not comparable. Circumstances of life pushed us apart and despite everything, I felt like I was holding him back from his path in life. I can't explain it. It was just something that was supposed to happen. I don't know why it was to be; sometimes things just can't be explained. I am living with the loneliness of that decision every day. I have no idea why this is hitting me this last week of all weeks, and is leading me up to this day of additional hurt, it just is what it is.

Since I never mentioned this site or haven't written on it in quite sometime, I don't desire anything to come of my writing. I just need to vent. I wish I could make this feeling go away. I have great friends and family who are seeing me through this, but losing someone is losing someone. It's hard and it hurts and I'm just tired of it. I. am. tired. of. it! The last three years plus of my existence has been full of so many roller coaster rides, I wouldn't mind if the ride could just stop for a while. For lack of anything better to describe, I'm missing inner peace.

So I go about my life, and I'm supposed to just shove everything in a corner until the feeling disappears. That's all you can do. Get up, take a shower, go to work, come home. Clean the house, feed the dog/cat, work out, go out with friends, make new friends. The train keeps going, and even though I'm in the back hanging on for dear life, I know I can make it through the rough terrain. I've done it before, so it can be done again. Life moves on, and so will I. I can't wait for the day where I no longer get snagged from stupid things that catch me off guard without warning.

So.... today I get up to take the dog out and find a surprise on my back porch. Thank God for friends, truly! This co-worker friend of mine who knows everything, may have quite possibly done the most sincere gesture of all time that I may have experienced. I find some meaningful, small gifts with a card that just made me laugh and cry at the same time. You'd have to know why this is so ridiculously funny, but I'm going to post what it says anyway. Btw she has her own man, and in no way is this card what it appears. It is printed on paper decorated with pictures of the sea, which makes it even more of a gesture, since I LOVE the sea. Here goes:

Once I met you, my heart gladly put out its "no vacancy" sign.

No others need even apply.

There was simply no way anyone could compare to you.

Your spirit, your mind, your way of looking at life...

everything about you told me you were someone truly unique-

someone I could see myself spending a lifetime getting to know.

And here we are, all this time later, and I'm still amazed by you...

still grateful for each new day that I can spend loving and discovering you.

Only you could fill this life with so much happiness.

Only you could fill this heart with so much love. -Suzanne Berry

Inside she writes (I'm having a hard time not laughing now, because this is why it's the best card ever!!!)

Even though you broke up with me on Facebok, I'm ready to start over. My heart still has the "no vacancy" sign. So tonite I'm gonna lite the candles and turn on the Marvin Gaye... or Kenny G. whichever you prefer. (inside joke)

But, I do wish you the happiest of Birthdays and want you to know that things will start looking up. I promise. You are way too pretty, smart and driven for all of this. I'll be there. Enjoy your day.

Thank you, dear friend, for saving my day with this one gesture. You had to get up pretty early to deliver this and I appreciate it immensly!

Autumn Leaves

No matter how many times it happens, it still cuts to the core. I guess that's how you know it meant something, something worth having, something that hurts to lose. Why this feeling was delayed is unknown. I just know that it really, really stinks.