After my divorce, I basically felt like a complete reject. I am guessing this is pretty common for those who experience this in their lives. Luckily for me I have great co-workers and friends who helped me overcome many of the hurt feelings that come from such a situation. Oct 1st 2010, I went on a blind date with someone I was set up with at work. It was the most I had laughed in what felt like years. I thanked God I don't know how many times for his presence in my life because of the connection we made so easily. The experience washed away all my feelings of self-doubt: being early thirties, single and divorced after one year. It made me realize that truly time heals all wounds. Sounds silly I know, but when you experience divorce you'll know how much it just tears at you.
August seems to be a bad month for me, because again I found myself single. It was my choice, but my gut told me it was the right thing to do. While together, all things pointed to a long, happy relationship. We were good friends, he made me laugh and all that fabulous fun stuff. There was a special connection we shared that is just not comparable. Circumstances of life pushed us apart and despite everything, I felt like I was holding him back from his path in life. I can't explain it. It was just something that was supposed to happen. I don't know why it was to be; sometimes things just can't be explained. I am living with the loneliness of that decision every day. I have no idea why this is hitting me this last week of all weeks, and is leading me up to this day of additional hurt, it just is what it is.
Since I never mentioned this site or haven't written on it in quite sometime, I don't desire anything to come of my writing. I just need to vent. I wish I could make this feeling go away. I have great friends and family who are seeing me through this, but losing someone is losing someone. It's hard and it hurts and I'm just tired of it. I. am. tired. of. it! The last three years plus of my existence has been full of so many roller coaster rides, I wouldn't mind if the ride could just stop for a while. For lack of anything better to describe, I'm missing inner peace.
So I go about my life, and I'm supposed to just shove everything in a corner until the feeling disappears. That's all you can do. Get up, take a shower, go to work, come home. Clean the house, feed the dog/cat, work out, go out with friends, make new friends. The train keeps going, and even though I'm in the back hanging on for dear life, I know I can make it through the rough terrain. I've done it before, so it can be done again. Life moves on, and so will I. I can't wait for the day where I no longer get snagged from stupid things that catch me off guard without warning.
So.... today I get up to take the dog out and find a surprise on my back porch. Thank God for friends, truly! This co-worker friend of mine who knows everything, may have quite possibly done the most sincere gesture of all time that I may have experienced. I find some meaningful, small gifts with a card that just made me laugh and cry at the same time. You'd have to know why this is so ridiculously funny, but I'm going to post what it says anyway. Btw she has her own man, and in no way is this card what it appears. It is printed on paper decorated with pictures of the sea, which makes it even more of a gesture, since I LOVE the sea. Here goes:
Once I met you, my heart gladly put out its "no vacancy" sign.
No others need even apply.
There was simply no way anyone could compare to you.
Your spirit, your mind, your way of looking at life...
everything about you told me you were someone truly unique-
someone I could see myself spending a lifetime getting to know.
And here we are, all this time later, and I'm still amazed by you...
still grateful for each new day that I can spend loving and discovering you.
Only you could fill this life with so much happiness.
Only you could fill this heart with so much love. -Suzanne Berry
Inside she writes (I'm having a hard time not laughing now, because this is why it's the best card ever!!!)
Even though you broke up with me on Facebok, I'm ready to start over. My heart still has the "no vacancy" sign. So tonite I'm gonna lite the candles and turn on the Marvin Gaye... or Kenny G. whichever you prefer. (inside joke)
But, I do wish you the happiest of Birthdays and want you to know that things will start looking up. I promise. You are way too pretty, smart and driven for all of this. I'll be there. Enjoy your day.
Thank you, dear friend, for saving my day with this one gesture. You had to get up pretty early to deliver this and I appreciate it immensly!
1 comment:
I've experienced much of what you're going through. It's never easy. I'm glad you're able to tangibly feel the love of your friends. Happy Birthday!
J
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