When you set out to lose 10 lbs, you don't expect that 5-7 months later it turned into 20 lbs. I guess being utterly depressed with no appetite in Sept-Oct helped lose those last 2. I weigh basically what I did my Freshman year in college in 1996, which I haven't seen since then until now. I bought a few things along the weight loss journey in July so my clothes weren't falling off. Somehow by Sept/Oct even those clothes were too big. I'm telling you that I do 'cheat' and eat whatever I want sometimes, but the weight stayed off. Maybe that has something to do with my thyroid finally being in check, and the recent B-12 deficiency discovery. Dunno.
So, I had plans to do Black Friday with a friend and her fam. At the last minute they changed their location and I decided against driving completely out of my way and much earlier for that. I got depressed being alone, and decided to sleep.
After waking up a few hours later, I embarked on my first Black Friday trip...alone. It kinda sucked at first. I was panicky that I wouldn't find what I was looking for, that I would take too long finding sizes, but it turned out ok. I like to shop, but it's VERY painful when every brand you used to know fits differently so much that I basically shop in juniors now because women's smalls are like larges on me. I wanted a change, so I'm gonna go all the way. I'm changing brands, sizes, styles. I'm rediscovering myself in clothing because 'the usual' is not good enough or maybe it's just too darn hard to figure out sizes. In addition, I don't need 'teacher' clothes anymore so I finally get to buy only for me.
About half way through my Kohl's experience I realized I'm basically buying an entirely new wardrobe. I have to buy almost everything but shoes in a different size. For shopaholics, it's great. But I'm HORRIBLE at making shopping decisions. That's why working at the Gap was great. I just wore their stuff, I followed their fashion.... easiness. Since my normal stores are now far away, Maurices is my new store. Macy's also carries similar fashions and styles. I'm just overwhelmed that I even have to get a new dress coat. So I get home, waiting for the carpet guy... writing this before going through my spoils. I know I'll have to return some things. I got to a point where decisions were useless so I just bought whatever sounded good and will return it sometime this weekend. Anyone who has shopped with me recently knows that it's just easier that way that for me to make a final decision in the store, especially on a day where time is $.
So I talked to D, she got me through not crying when I got home. I'm just so overwhelmed by all the change. It's difficult. It's good for me but really emotionally difficult. I've been through so much these last 5 years. I can take mostly every thing, but any change in love/relationships/ personal things is the hardest for me. I can go to school while working full time, I can change careers, change houses and apartments, but losing someone I love, 20 lbs of weight, among other things is just getting to me.
On FB I mentioned wanting to rip out everything from my life and start over. Since I can't move or start from scratch. I'm getting rid of the old and bringing in the new. I push myself and push myself, but I have to or I won't survive. It's part of who I am. I cannot be stagnant, but this is just soooooo hard when I have time to think. I can't wait to get back to work sad as that sounds. I need the distraction, I need intellectually challenging things to keep me busy (why I'm going back to school... again). D is moving in tommorow. I think this will really help me with my lonliness, but I hope I don't overwhelm her with my usually ridiculous ability to talk forever about nothingness :) (hence why I'm writing random,.... and very random, not organized thoughts on here right now)
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