RECYCLE I SAY!

Did you know that since I have started recycling, I have hardly any trash that gets thrown away? Really! My trash hardly ever is full so now I have to remember to empty it for the stink factor. If I had a compost, I would have even less trash.

Apparently the main thing I use is plastic and paper, but the top winner is plastic. Did you know that in order to make plastic, manufacturers use oil? Guess what is a non-renewable resource? Oil! Did you also know that when you throw plastic (and aluminum) away it just sits in the ground doing nothing? It never bio degrades people! One aluminum can can power a TV for 4 hours... think about all the stuff you are throwing away we can reuse (think about all that TV you watch.) Too bad we can't just throw the can in a machine and poof, 'free' electricity.

START recycling today!!!!!
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Now that I'm off my soap box, here's an update. My brother has been out of the hospital. He is still 'off,' and they are expecting it to be so for at least 4-6 months until his brain heals. My personal issues are much improved, and I have discussed with previously mentioned closest person and an agreement/understanding has been reached. That said, I also got a 96% on my test today (of the class I was thinking I was going to drop due to overload.) I think I might even get a 98% because one question I got wrong was not anywhere to be found in the notes from which the test was based. Wish me luck!

Anyway, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for your prayers (and yes, God has been thanked a zillion times over too). Keep 'em coming! The other class I'm in I'm told is ridiculously hard (which is why I was thinking of dropping the other). In reality, they're both REALLY tough. I have a test on Monday. I'm also told to do really well on the first two tests, because the last two are monsters. PLEASE pray for me. I can't afford (literally) to take these classes again, and I also getting tired of working and going to school. BTW, I would never wish my fate on anyone. What I'm doing right now IS HARD, excruciatingly.

The Road Not Taken

by Robert Frost


Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Never a dull moment

My life is never without a dull moment. I feel as if I'm constantly on a roller coaster of events, and the emotions that go with it are taking pieces of me bit by bit. If anything, I need prayer for peace. I need prayers for patience. I need prayers that in whatever way God wants things to happen, God gives me the strength to move forward and be strong.

Right now I just want to quit everything. I feel like I have taken a certain person in my life for granted and now it's biting me in the you-know-where. I feel that because of what I have chosen to do will cost me someone very close to me, if it hasn't already. I mean I can't stand my life much longer this way, how could I expect others too? The path of life is not worth it to me without someone to share it with. I just want to be stable. I want to have options open. I'm tired of doors slamming in my face without another one in site. Where's the other door that's open? Did I drive by it too fast? Was my head stuck in a book when I was supposed to be looking? Was I having a really horrible day and couldn't see anything but the next test or clinical experience coming up to notice it?

Now it's as if all that momentum to do well is failing, and I just want to quit and take a break, but I can't. It's just not monetarily feasible. Tuition is paid and I wouldn't get much back. I'm a little lacking in the strength department, and I'm finding myself very vulnerable. I'm insecure and feeling VERY alone. I know God's here next to me, but I can't feel anything but loneliness.

I've learned that the older I'm getting, the harder it is to find single friends who can be supportive. There are just not that many of them anymore. I have come very far in my journey, but I finding it hard to continue to push, and the end goals seems so far away. Help.

PS Good news: My brother was released from the hospital, but he still has a long road of recovery before they can do anything more.

The other side

About a week to the day I found out my brother was admitted to the hospital for TBI secondary to TIA's. They did an MRI three weeks before and found nothing, three weeks later they found lesions/bleeding the parietal, temporal, and occipital areas of the brain. He's been in ICU for a week now and last night they moved him to a MED-SURG floor. I guess they kept him in ICU so long because he needed to be supervised, but really he just need a sitter and could have been out as soon as Sunday in my opinion. (My mom agrees and she's an APN.) Anyway, it was strange being on the other side of the experience: NS to family member of patient in the hospital, but I also felt more useful just because I understood more about what was going on.

He is getting better as the blood is reabsorbed, but it's hard to tell because they keep sedating him so he doesn't over react to his confusion (being that there is a problem interferring with his mental faculties.) I can't believe the Dr.'s even considered putting him in the psych ward because of his confusion, when the problem is primarly neurological injury (two completely different types of floors in hospitals.) At least they decided correctly and went with Med-Surg. My mom and I would have not stood for otherwise. Personally I think he needs to be at another bigger hospital more capable of handling his situation specifically. I know because that was my last rotation.

Anyway, pray that his healing progresses so that then more tests can be run to find out what area is the focal point of his seizures so they can successfully perform surgery (if possible) and alleviate the problem which put him in the hospital in the first place. (Run on sentences are fun!)

Beginnings

Well it's the beginning of what will hopefully be my second to last semester. With any luck, I'll be done in December. So many hurtles to overthrow, I hope I make it. I'll only be able to do it with God's help that's for sure.

On another note, I might be moving at the end of the summer. So yet again, I'm proving to be a woman of many changes... seems constant. I was joking with Grams that my life might be quite entertaining as part of a soap opera. It seems there aren't many days that something dramatic doesn't happen. Today was pretty quiet, other than I started one of my two courses for the summer. If I make it, only 2 more to go. Then of course there are also boards. Craziness I tell you!

How I ever made it through working full time and taking 12 credit hours and doing well, I'll never know. But it's done, I think the worst is over. I don't plan to work this summer and if I do, it will be VERY minimal. I can devote all of my energies for one goal instead of many. Keep praying. It's working ;)

Rebuild

Today, during my one of my last clinical experiences for the Spring, God sent me some important messages that it seems I've been waiting my whole life to hear or maybe I was just ready to hear them. I went to a conference today and it was full of insight and valuable knowledge for me to use and take with me. Keep praying though, I need all I can get because I'm not in the clear yet. Thanks!

Cascade

I am in a state of shock. Totally appalled, flabergasted, hurt, upset... Nothing could have prepared me for what I have experienced these last two days. I'm sorry I cannot be specfic. All I can do is to sit and idly stare at a movie so that I do not think on the experiences that I had no idea were coming, that I had no idea could possibly ever occur. Ever.

All I can do is wait. All I can do is nothing. There is absolutely nothing I can do. This cannot be fixed, forgotten, forgiven. I just don't see it. I need God's help to get me through this. God is all there is left of hope.

Someone told me when one door closes, another opens. Someone told me when we have hard times it is a way that we are tested in life. God is testing me, and the test is long and it's a test only a genius could master. I cannot change roads any faster, well, I think I'm on the wrong road. It's really bumpy. One of my tires has gone flat, and my engine is overheating. Can I make it to the next service station?

Pray.

Almost done

It's such a beautiful day outside, and here I am inside contemplating what chore or errand can I come up with to conjure a reason to go outside for a while. Since I don't own a house anymore, I don't have any gardening or mowing to do so I have an excuse, oh well. I have three more tests and this semester is over. I can't believe I've made it this far. This school year has been a challenge to say the least.

I will have four more classes left and assuming all goes well, I will be done in Decemeber. Somehow I wish it could be sooner because what is happening in my other school experience. But I'm choosing not to think on that.

Instead I will focus on the fact that I am half way done in my endeavors to move on in life, and never having to worry about having a job ever again. It will be nice when I get there. I think I might clean my car. It's been since August since the inside has been vaccummed (yes, I know it's sad.) Then I shall study until I can study no more.

More from my cousin

My cousin writes and says he is doing ok. If you are sending care packages he says that the kids like hard candy and pens. Here's a utube showing some pictures that a Marine took in '06. The link has more good pictures, but they are harder to see details.

Colon Cancer

Did you know that colon cancer is the third leading cause of death in men, and the fourth leading cause of death in women? Did you also know you can decrease your risk by following a healthy diet and making sure you are screened when called for? Here's some info about what a good diet entails:

Diet and colon cancer to prevent colon cancer

"People can change their eating habits by reducing fat intake, and increasing fiber (roughage) in their diet. Major sources of fat are meat, eggs, dairy products, salad dressings, and oils used in cooking. Fiber is the insoluble, non- digestible part of plant material present in fruits, vegetables, and whole-grain breads and cereals. It is postulated that high fiber in the diet leads to the creation of bulky stools which can rid the intestines of potential carcinogens. In addition, fiber leads to the more rapid transit of fecal material through the intestine, thus allowing less time for a potential carcinogen to react with the intestinal lining. For additional information, please read the Colon Cancer Prevention article." Other reasons I found that may make a person high risk: colon polyps, ulcerative colitis, and genetics.

Who Knew?

Turns out I went to the same great schools as the emerging actress Jenna Fischer. She is starring in Blades of Glory and is known for her role in The Office. Maybe one day I could be famous :)

Hilarious!

Any of you movie goers out there in need of some serious laughs MUST see Blades of Glory. I haven't laughed that hard since Tommy Boy.

Can't Stand It

This is my rant for the day. This day sucks!

My cousin is going to Iraq...

I just found out my cousin leaves for Iraq soon. Please pray for him and his batallion's safe return.
Here is one uTube videos that someone made of their training.

Too much at once

Ok, so I am known for overdoing it, but after much torment I wind up being very sucessful or having successful outcomes. But why why why does it all have to come at once? I hate taking tests, tests aren't fun, writing them, grading them, studying for them. No one, not really anything can prepare you for the tests of life. So why does it always feel like I'm thrown the big whoppers all at the same time? Did I sign up for this and ask that my soul be cultivated in such a way that the same themes reappear and reappear and just keep getting harder and harder. It's like I'm playing the same video game, and I pass all the levels, however the levels look the same, maybe slightly different and they just keep getting harder and harder with no escape of just even remotely beating the darn thing until the next edition comes out. A few moments in the bonus land, and then BAM, back to the dungeon with your demon to conquer at the end.

In cognitive therapy a person is taught how to untwist their thinking or their reactions to life so they have better coping skills, ultimately less stress leading to a balanced life (can you tell I'm in a psych class?). I feel like I have the bonus level for a bit, and then the same levels reappear: they're just harder, more complicated and at first my emotional responsive kicks in, and then my brain goes into red alert in the defense mechnism of suppression just to stay alive. I have changed so many things and am doing so much better with some odds and ends that got me into trouble in the past. Why do I then have to start over AGAIN?

I guess maybe cuz I fixed those things, now again I can deal with the other things like my themes of love/relationship and job/career concerns. I'm a risk taker, especially when I strongly believe it's a good risk. I like to affect change for the better, maybe that's why I'm always on the go, on the move, busy busy busy. I push myself, hard, probably harder than anyone in my life besides God could push. I don't handle well with compromise of who I am, my values or core beliefs.

I do have the ability to let things slide, but when push comes to shove, and I'm pushed and pushed on certain issues, I'm shoving off. No way will I stand to be verbally negated on a semi-regular basis (putting it nicely). No wonder I've been in defense, it just hit me today, like a big conclusion to a really long paragraph that went on and on but finally got to the point. I always know it's coming, but why when it happens is it such the big shock? Maybe I just denied myself and then presto chango, I suddenly can't deny it anymore.

I hold certain beliefs pertaining to people of all backgrounds, races, creeds, sex, orientation, ethics etc. My whole life I've been brought up this way, further compounded by my educational experiences and choice of profession: service related. Include animals too, they also deserve a kind of respect, along with nature and other things that I'm sure I'm forgetting. I would consider myself a relatively open minded individual, libral even on many topics. It's built in to my upbringing and education and well I said that already. But the lines been crossed and there is no going back on this issue. It reminds me of the saying "if you can't say something nice, don't say it at all."

So two days from now, this blog could be old news and issues have been resolved and I'm singing a different tune. But that's life, it's one big song with many moods, tempos, key signature changes, accidentals, modulations and movements. But it's my song, and I've got to write it. Life is the muse which influences the composition of our soul. It is the music of now. You can't change it, once it's been written, but you can change how it will sound in the future and what you sing/play in the now of today.

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That's it I'm out. I need to add some rests in my song of this moment. I've sung the movement of today and now I need to stop singing and just listen so I can improve the song that will begin again new tommorow.

I choose freedom

My values will not be torn down by your irrational hatred of men.

I choose equality! I choose freedom!

I must remain true to myself.

Maybe you'll come around,

maybe you'll turn back the other way.

In either case, I will not be swayed.

Apparently it's intuition

Something just didn't feel right yesterday, and now I know why. The answer came today in the form of a letter that I was required to sign. Verbal reassurances made, but things in writing clearly stating otherwise. Resources consulted and again reassurances made. Point is, why write the letter in a fashion other than what is 'supposed to be' than what actually is?

Spring Break is here, and for the first time in a long time I felt like a normal human being. I didn't do any homework all week (not really anyway.) That'll change come Sunday, but for now I'm going to enjoy my time to deal with other issues.

I've noticed that when one area of my life is tough, the other areas let up just enough for me to be able to handle it. I'd like to think that's God taking care of me so I can make it through this.

I need more confidence

Have you ever gone through a period where you just feel completely self-conscious about everything? I guess it's good to have a little awareness, but for whatever reason I just feel like I'm walking on broken glass. As if I make the wrong step, I'll slip and fall and just be a complete mess. Even when I'm successful, I'm not confident that it was good enough. Maybe that's the music in me talking... always striving for something better.

I guess I'm all discombobulated for various reasons. I'm taking a lot of risks and going outside the box and it makes me nervous. Sometimes I mess up, and other times I'm completely surprised by the feedback I get from those around me. I do think though it has been catching up on me. I'm getting sick again. I haven't been this sick since my allergies were on crazed mode in college. I haven't had a sinus infection in 5-6 years and all of sudden I'm getting them all the time. I don't know what's going on. This winter it was so bad, that my vocal cords were unable to articulate a sound, and I had to go on rest for 2 weeks (I was miserable.) Spring comes and here I am with my second sinus problem. I'm wondering if the black mold from the room below has made it into my room. How else would I all of a sudden be a sinus mess when I've been fine for soooo long?

Anyway, who wants to hear about that. St. Louis is one of the all time allergy areas, and I've made it this far. I'll figure it out. Maybe I'm allergic to something new or in my room at work.

I guess what I'm trying to say that being sick makes me nervous too. Because it affects how I sound for my job. I feel like I'm going above and beyond this year, and yet I still feel like I have failed somehow. I've done more this year than I've ever thought I could do, and yet I still feel like it's not enough. Like I'm a leper and in a world all my own. Don't know where my confidence went, but I really hope it comes back soon. :)

Why I hate my car and other thoughts of today.

When I bought my first brand new car I thought it the best thing ever. I felt like I had a million dollars and I was some rich, fancy person in a brand, spanking new vehicle. Ah, those were the good ole' days. 83xxx miles later and many oil changes to boot, my feelings about my 'baby' have changed. Gone are the days of very little repairs and only having to get an oil change or tire rotation. Here's what the consumer report in '02 did NOT tell me about my wonderful little car:

1. At the first brake replacement (around 2 years) one must likely purchase not only brakes but new calipers (because they freeze easily), and rotors (because my brand of car likes to put very thin rotors in your car at purchase so the 'gas mileage looks good'.)

2. In 5 years you have to do the same to the rear calipers, rotor and brakes.

3. 4 sets of brake pads, 4 calipers and two rotors later; I'm saving up to replace the rotors in the back too because they are boarder-line.

4. If you like trying to find 195/50/16R tires and spending a lot of money for them, you would love my car! Low wall tires that explode (twice!) while on the highway are fabulous! Not only are these tires usually special order, you get to spend all day making calls around town finding them, they range between $100-$250 each depending on how long you want your tire to last.

5. 3 years after purchasing your car, expect at least one of the automatic locks to get stuck and stop working properly.

6. After two years expect the transmission display (of very thin plastic) to crack. And then two years later (after warranty) expect it to happen again (even if you but actually use the car.)

7. For whatever particular reason, my car seems to enjoy batteries as well (but I also have a tendency to accidentally leave the dome light on. OOPS!)

Pros about the car: Roomy for the price, stereo is decent, when a caliper doesn't freeze on you it actually has pretty good 'zoom zoom,' automatic doors and moon roof, shiny wheels (if that's your thing), engine and radiator seem to do well.

I might be on the look out for a different car in a year or so. Any suggestions on ones you personally own and love? I want pros and cons... real ones from actual consumers.

-----Other Thoughts-----

If you think about it going to get your car fixed is like going to the see the Dr. You really don't enjoy it, but it's a requirement of life (unless you don't own a car.) Every time you visit it's usually because something is wrong. You have symptoms of a less-than-desirable nature, and you are visiting because you want them to go away in the fastest time possible. You know it's going to cost a lot, and usually when you've got the verdict, it feels like you're being told you're going to die in a week (well maybe more like your pocket book will.)

Mechanics are like Dr.'s for machines and should probably get more credit for what they do. They aren't doing surgery on people, but they do mechanical surgery on your car. As one mechanic put it to me the other day "when a mechanic handles and fixes your brakes, they are taking the owner's lives into their hands." I've never really thought about a car that way, have you? When a Dr. takes care of you, your health or life is on the line; mechanics are similar in that your car's health (your mental health) and your life is on the line.

So then I'm thinking. Why don't we have car insurance that works like health insurance? Why doesn't the car insurance company pay or offer a discounted co-pay for preventative maintenance like the health insurance companies do? You know they are making tons from insurance premiums, so why not give the costumer more for their buck? They could even go so far as to be like the 'wonderful' hmo's and only allow a certain amount to be charged for a specific service. They could also go so far as to recommend highly skilled professional mechanics from a list to choose from (ie the primary care mechanic :) This idea could probably be of benefit to both consumer, business owner, and insurance company. There are always drawbacks and the choice shouldn't be required, but it sounds like a good idea to me. If I had preventative maintenance coverage in addition to accident coverage, I bet my car would be in tip top shape and last a lot longer and I'd have a lot less stress when something supposedly 'minor' (which it never is financially) goes wrong.

New favorite website

Don't have time to watch tv or forget what channel everything is on? Don't have tivo and hate commercials, but wouldn't mind 2 or three? Don't have cable or have a bad reception? Love watching things on ABC? You must go here!!!! It's the best thing ever invented!!!