Guess pandora was trying to tell me something

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

-Nat King Cole

Cleansing

So D is moving in today. She should be here any minute. I then realize there are a few 'last minute' items I have yet to move or cleanse from the house. I came across some objects that made me just think about life's happenings. Some of the objects, I held onto because they were attached to another person. Seriously, I'm holding on to a burnt out seashell candle I gave someone on their birthday because? I have a receipt for an ipod shuffle that is lost in hyperspace why? Why am I holding on to computer games that are so out of date, but then were my biggest craze back in the day ... i.e. The Sims, Lemmings. I have Magic the Gathering cards from freshman year in college that haven't been used for 15 years.... A broken zippered coat with paint on it from TSU.

It kinda puts a hoarders life in perspective. I'm not a hoarder, but I think it's kinda funny some of these things are there simply because I probably ran out of time while moving. I just threw them in a box, and then they ended up in a forgotten place until it was time to move things again. Some things I have because I'm not ready to give up the memories or maybe I think they'll be useful again. Maybe I'm just not ready to take the time to throw out everything all at the same time because I have better things to do.

I've gone through my clothes knowing full well that some things I'm keeping because I'm not ready to give up yet. I've found boxes of papers that I'm keeping because you never know when they could be useful. (4 years later I did need something I saved incidentally.)

I guess this junk is just a reflection of how by human nature sometimes we have to shove things aside just to move forward. We have boxes of memories of emotions that are still there waiting to be let go or fondly revisited when the time is right. So in trying to move forward we have to either rearrange, add a new perspective, or just delete things to make room for the new happenings. Experiences are what make us who we are, but it can take a lot of time and effort to make sense of it all to really truly be free again for whatever comes next.

Thanksgiving and Black Friday

I'm doing ok, not even thinking about how normally you would be attending a family gathering. Then, my cousin asks how you are doing and people start asking about what happened. I then spent at least an hour of time just going through Black Friday ads to avoid the feelings that those questions aroused. I enjoyed that you texted me back :) I wished we could have talked when I tried to call and wish you the same I texted, but oh well. I just wanted to hear your voice. I went to my parents' afterwards to drop off some comforters of theirs I never use anymore and talked to Grams about it. We then changed the topic to my weight loss and what I was going to get for Black Friday.

When you set out to lose 10 lbs, you don't expect that 5-7 months later it turned into 20 lbs. I guess being utterly depressed with no appetite in Sept-Oct helped lose those last 2. I weigh basically what I did my Freshman year in college in 1996, which I haven't seen since then until now. I bought a few things along the weight loss journey in July so my clothes weren't falling off. Somehow by Sept/Oct even those clothes were too big. I'm telling you that I do 'cheat' and eat whatever I want sometimes, but the weight stayed off. Maybe that has something to do with my thyroid finally being in check, and the recent B-12 deficiency discovery. Dunno.

So, I had plans to do Black Friday with a friend and her fam. At the last minute they changed their location and I decided against driving completely out of my way and much earlier for that. I got depressed being alone, and decided to sleep.

After waking up a few hours later, I embarked on my first Black Friday trip...alone. It kinda sucked at first. I was panicky that I wouldn't find what I was looking for, that I would take too long finding sizes, but it turned out ok. I like to shop, but it's VERY painful when every brand you used to know fits differently so much that I basically shop in juniors now because women's smalls are like larges on me. I wanted a change, so I'm gonna go all the way. I'm changing brands, sizes, styles. I'm rediscovering myself in clothing because 'the usual' is not good enough or maybe it's just too darn hard to figure out sizes. In addition, I don't need 'teacher' clothes anymore so I finally get to buy only for me.

About half way through my Kohl's experience I realized I'm basically buying an entirely new wardrobe. I have to buy almost everything but shoes in a different size. For shopaholics, it's great. But I'm HORRIBLE at making shopping decisions. That's why working at the Gap was great. I just wore their stuff, I followed their fashion.... easiness. Since my normal stores are now far away, Maurices is my new store. Macy's also carries similar fashions and styles. I'm just overwhelmed that I even have to get a new dress coat. So I get home, waiting for the carpet guy... writing this before going through my spoils. I know I'll have to return some things. I got to a point where decisions were useless so I just bought whatever sounded good and will return it sometime this weekend. Anyone who has shopped with me recently knows that it's just easier that way that for me to make a final decision in the store, especially on a day where time is $.

So I talked to D, she got me through not crying when I got home. I'm just so overwhelmed by all the change. It's difficult. It's good for me but really emotionally difficult. I've been through so much these last 5 years. I can take mostly every thing, but any change in love/relationships/ personal things is the hardest for me. I can go to school while working full time, I can change careers, change houses and apartments, but losing someone I love, 20 lbs of weight, among other things is just getting to me.

On FB I mentioned wanting to rip out everything from my life and start over. Since I can't move or start from scratch. I'm getting rid of the old and bringing in the new. I push myself and push myself, but I have to or I won't survive. It's part of who I am. I cannot be stagnant, but this is just soooooo hard when I have time to think. I can't wait to get back to work sad as that sounds. I need the distraction, I need intellectually challenging things to keep me busy (why I'm going back to school... again). D is moving in tommorow. I think this will really help me with my lonliness, but I hope I don't overwhelm her with my usually ridiculous ability to talk forever about nothingness :) (hence why I'm writing random,.... and very random, not organized thoughts on here right now)

Will it ever stop? Why does this bug me so much? UGH!

You still creep in

You still creep in my life whenever something triggers thoughts of you. I wish we could talk or even text more, but apparently being many miles apart in another state is not enough. I miss you.

For those who say 'get over it already'

If I'm such a strong, independent, beautiful woman with a lot to offer, than why do I feel like I have a giant gaping hole in the middle of my chest every time I think of him? I guess for me love runs deep for the rare person, but hard to get over on the also rare occasion it went deeper than I thought. I don't give a flyin' if it was the 'effing right thing to do' like everybody says! Those peeps don't have to deal with how I feel every tiny second I zone off or have a moment to think. It hurts and it sucks, and the fact that I'm being pushed aside makes it more so. Why I care still almost 3 months later, I don't know. I can't explain my feelings. I just know they are there. I am a naturally HIGHLY motivated person to move on, move up, improve, learn etc. Normally I'm not the person who needs someone to 'light the fire.' I've already lit it and I'm making 'smores. So if I feel like I'm being pushed it means that I am. My heart does not shove push or pull, it just is. I'm forcing myself to push and shove everything away and it's very very hard for me when it comes this person. So just keep saying the same supportive crap over and over and eventually I'll get over it. Until then, just keep on saying, but be nice to me... my heart is slower than my brain in this matter. On the outside I appear like a very strong person, but if you haven't figured it out yet, you now realize this is my achilles heel.

Lunch Table Thoughts 10/31

Every time I have a chance to think,
my thoughts turn toward you.
My eyes begin to sting,
and I guess that means I know how I feel is true.
The pain subsides more each day,
but I still feel lost and defenseless on my way.