Too much at once

Ok, so I am known for overdoing it, but after much torment I wind up being very sucessful or having successful outcomes. But why why why does it all have to come at once? I hate taking tests, tests aren't fun, writing them, grading them, studying for them. No one, not really anything can prepare you for the tests of life. So why does it always feel like I'm thrown the big whoppers all at the same time? Did I sign up for this and ask that my soul be cultivated in such a way that the same themes reappear and reappear and just keep getting harder and harder. It's like I'm playing the same video game, and I pass all the levels, however the levels look the same, maybe slightly different and they just keep getting harder and harder with no escape of just even remotely beating the darn thing until the next edition comes out. A few moments in the bonus land, and then BAM, back to the dungeon with your demon to conquer at the end.

In cognitive therapy a person is taught how to untwist their thinking or their reactions to life so they have better coping skills, ultimately less stress leading to a balanced life (can you tell I'm in a psych class?). I feel like I have the bonus level for a bit, and then the same levels reappear: they're just harder, more complicated and at first my emotional responsive kicks in, and then my brain goes into red alert in the defense mechnism of suppression just to stay alive. I have changed so many things and am doing so much better with some odds and ends that got me into trouble in the past. Why do I then have to start over AGAIN?

I guess maybe cuz I fixed those things, now again I can deal with the other things like my themes of love/relationship and job/career concerns. I'm a risk taker, especially when I strongly believe it's a good risk. I like to affect change for the better, maybe that's why I'm always on the go, on the move, busy busy busy. I push myself, hard, probably harder than anyone in my life besides God could push. I don't handle well with compromise of who I am, my values or core beliefs.

I do have the ability to let things slide, but when push comes to shove, and I'm pushed and pushed on certain issues, I'm shoving off. No way will I stand to be verbally negated on a semi-regular basis (putting it nicely). No wonder I've been in defense, it just hit me today, like a big conclusion to a really long paragraph that went on and on but finally got to the point. I always know it's coming, but why when it happens is it such the big shock? Maybe I just denied myself and then presto chango, I suddenly can't deny it anymore.

I hold certain beliefs pertaining to people of all backgrounds, races, creeds, sex, orientation, ethics etc. My whole life I've been brought up this way, further compounded by my educational experiences and choice of profession: service related. Include animals too, they also deserve a kind of respect, along with nature and other things that I'm sure I'm forgetting. I would consider myself a relatively open minded individual, libral even on many topics. It's built in to my upbringing and education and well I said that already. But the lines been crossed and there is no going back on this issue. It reminds me of the saying "if you can't say something nice, don't say it at all."

So two days from now, this blog could be old news and issues have been resolved and I'm singing a different tune. But that's life, it's one big song with many moods, tempos, key signature changes, accidentals, modulations and movements. But it's my song, and I've got to write it. Life is the muse which influences the composition of our soul. It is the music of now. You can't change it, once it's been written, but you can change how it will sound in the future and what you sing/play in the now of today.

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That's it I'm out. I need to add some rests in my song of this moment. I've sung the movement of today and now I need to stop singing and just listen so I can improve the song that will begin again new tommorow.