If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Pablo Neruda

Double Edged Sword

The big 'D,' no one plans for it, no one expects it. Why else would you go through the hassle, I mean, joys of a wedding ceremony/ reception experience ;0) So this is what I am discovering through my first break up after divorce. I've talked to several other friends who have also gone through divorce recently and also within the last 6 months or so experienced their first break up.

The conclusion is simple. The very first long-term relationship break-up after divorce hits as hard if not harder as getting divorced itself.

All of us experienced the same essence of pain, the same memories of failure, and the same inner struggle that came with divorce. The first break-up after divorce then is like getting to experience the divorce all over again. Who knew? You don't expect divorce, you don't expect to get your heart torn up in a blender just as badly if not worse in the following failed relationship.

Somehow having had this discussion with several of my friends and we all went through the same emotional struggles, makes this experience more tolerable. For one, there is someone to talk to who gets it. For another, it's recognition that the experience is apparently a natural occurance. The people in this 'study' were all girls late 20's to early 30's who had been divorced, fell in love again, had a long term relationship, and then experienced a miserable break-up.

Although I could probably attempt an effort at a better writing style, I am actually happy about being over analytical this time, so that I now am beginning a 180 toward moving forward and letting go of the past.

The past is the past. One day at a time and all that jazz.... the end. :)

Birthday Card

I woke up today with a text at 0615 with my first Birthday greeting, one minute from my actual time of birth and thought that was pretty cool. I am going through a rough patch, to say the least, and was/am expecting this day to be of pretty poor quality. Today is the first birthday I've been single in I don't know how many years I can count. It's especially tough when only a year ago (divorced August 2010) I was married and never would have expected to be in this position. Course, I never expected to get divorced either. I don't know why it bothers me so much, a day is a day, yet I am just a complete wreck inside trying to make it through all of the things that keep catching me off guard.

After my divorce, I basically felt like a complete reject. I am guessing this is pretty common for those who experience this in their lives. Luckily for me I have great co-workers and friends who helped me overcome many of the hurt feelings that come from such a situation. Oct 1st 2010, I went on a blind date with someone I was set up with at work. It was the most I had laughed in what felt like years. I thanked God I don't know how many times for his presence in my life because of the connection we made so easily. The experience washed away all my feelings of self-doubt: being early thirties, single and divorced after one year. It made me realize that truly time heals all wounds. Sounds silly I know, but when you experience divorce you'll know how much it just tears at you.

August seems to be a bad month for me, because again I found myself single. It was my choice, but my gut told me it was the right thing to do. While together, all things pointed to a long, happy relationship. We were good friends, he made me laugh and all that fabulous fun stuff. There was a special connection we shared that is just not comparable. Circumstances of life pushed us apart and despite everything, I felt like I was holding him back from his path in life. I can't explain it. It was just something that was supposed to happen. I don't know why it was to be; sometimes things just can't be explained. I am living with the loneliness of that decision every day. I have no idea why this is hitting me this last week of all weeks, and is leading me up to this day of additional hurt, it just is what it is.

Since I never mentioned this site or haven't written on it in quite sometime, I don't desire anything to come of my writing. I just need to vent. I wish I could make this feeling go away. I have great friends and family who are seeing me through this, but losing someone is losing someone. It's hard and it hurts and I'm just tired of it. I. am. tired. of. it! The last three years plus of my existence has been full of so many roller coaster rides, I wouldn't mind if the ride could just stop for a while. For lack of anything better to describe, I'm missing inner peace.

So I go about my life, and I'm supposed to just shove everything in a corner until the feeling disappears. That's all you can do. Get up, take a shower, go to work, come home. Clean the house, feed the dog/cat, work out, go out with friends, make new friends. The train keeps going, and even though I'm in the back hanging on for dear life, I know I can make it through the rough terrain. I've done it before, so it can be done again. Life moves on, and so will I. I can't wait for the day where I no longer get snagged from stupid things that catch me off guard without warning.

So.... today I get up to take the dog out and find a surprise on my back porch. Thank God for friends, truly! This co-worker friend of mine who knows everything, may have quite possibly done the most sincere gesture of all time that I may have experienced. I find some meaningful, small gifts with a card that just made me laugh and cry at the same time. You'd have to know why this is so ridiculously funny, but I'm going to post what it says anyway. Btw she has her own man, and in no way is this card what it appears. It is printed on paper decorated with pictures of the sea, which makes it even more of a gesture, since I LOVE the sea. Here goes:

Once I met you, my heart gladly put out its "no vacancy" sign.

No others need even apply.

There was simply no way anyone could compare to you.

Your spirit, your mind, your way of looking at life...

everything about you told me you were someone truly unique-

someone I could see myself spending a lifetime getting to know.

And here we are, all this time later, and I'm still amazed by you...

still grateful for each new day that I can spend loving and discovering you.

Only you could fill this life with so much happiness.

Only you could fill this heart with so much love. -Suzanne Berry

Inside she writes (I'm having a hard time not laughing now, because this is why it's the best card ever!!!)

Even though you broke up with me on Facebok, I'm ready to start over. My heart still has the "no vacancy" sign. So tonite I'm gonna lite the candles and turn on the Marvin Gaye... or Kenny G. whichever you prefer. (inside joke)

But, I do wish you the happiest of Birthdays and want you to know that things will start looking up. I promise. You are way too pretty, smart and driven for all of this. I'll be there. Enjoy your day.

Thank you, dear friend, for saving my day with this one gesture. You had to get up pretty early to deliver this and I appreciate it immensly!

Autumn Leaves

No matter how many times it happens, it still cuts to the core. I guess that's how you know it meant something, something worth having, something that hurts to lose. Why this feeling was delayed is unknown. I just know that it really, really stinks.