My cousin is going to Iraq...

I just found out my cousin leaves for Iraq soon. Please pray for him and his batallion's safe return.
Here is one uTube videos that someone made of their training.

Too much at once

Ok, so I am known for overdoing it, but after much torment I wind up being very sucessful or having successful outcomes. But why why why does it all have to come at once? I hate taking tests, tests aren't fun, writing them, grading them, studying for them. No one, not really anything can prepare you for the tests of life. So why does it always feel like I'm thrown the big whoppers all at the same time? Did I sign up for this and ask that my soul be cultivated in such a way that the same themes reappear and reappear and just keep getting harder and harder. It's like I'm playing the same video game, and I pass all the levels, however the levels look the same, maybe slightly different and they just keep getting harder and harder with no escape of just even remotely beating the darn thing until the next edition comes out. A few moments in the bonus land, and then BAM, back to the dungeon with your demon to conquer at the end.

In cognitive therapy a person is taught how to untwist their thinking or their reactions to life so they have better coping skills, ultimately less stress leading to a balanced life (can you tell I'm in a psych class?). I feel like I have the bonus level for a bit, and then the same levels reappear: they're just harder, more complicated and at first my emotional responsive kicks in, and then my brain goes into red alert in the defense mechnism of suppression just to stay alive. I have changed so many things and am doing so much better with some odds and ends that got me into trouble in the past. Why do I then have to start over AGAIN?

I guess maybe cuz I fixed those things, now again I can deal with the other things like my themes of love/relationship and job/career concerns. I'm a risk taker, especially when I strongly believe it's a good risk. I like to affect change for the better, maybe that's why I'm always on the go, on the move, busy busy busy. I push myself, hard, probably harder than anyone in my life besides God could push. I don't handle well with compromise of who I am, my values or core beliefs.

I do have the ability to let things slide, but when push comes to shove, and I'm pushed and pushed on certain issues, I'm shoving off. No way will I stand to be verbally negated on a semi-regular basis (putting it nicely). No wonder I've been in defense, it just hit me today, like a big conclusion to a really long paragraph that went on and on but finally got to the point. I always know it's coming, but why when it happens is it such the big shock? Maybe I just denied myself and then presto chango, I suddenly can't deny it anymore.

I hold certain beliefs pertaining to people of all backgrounds, races, creeds, sex, orientation, ethics etc. My whole life I've been brought up this way, further compounded by my educational experiences and choice of profession: service related. Include animals too, they also deserve a kind of respect, along with nature and other things that I'm sure I'm forgetting. I would consider myself a relatively open minded individual, libral even on many topics. It's built in to my upbringing and education and well I said that already. But the lines been crossed and there is no going back on this issue. It reminds me of the saying "if you can't say something nice, don't say it at all."

So two days from now, this blog could be old news and issues have been resolved and I'm singing a different tune. But that's life, it's one big song with many moods, tempos, key signature changes, accidentals, modulations and movements. But it's my song, and I've got to write it. Life is the muse which influences the composition of our soul. It is the music of now. You can't change it, once it's been written, but you can change how it will sound in the future and what you sing/play in the now of today.

*********
That's it I'm out. I need to add some rests in my song of this moment. I've sung the movement of today and now I need to stop singing and just listen so I can improve the song that will begin again new tommorow.

I choose freedom

My values will not be torn down by your irrational hatred of men.

I choose equality! I choose freedom!

I must remain true to myself.

Maybe you'll come around,

maybe you'll turn back the other way.

In either case, I will not be swayed.

Apparently it's intuition

Something just didn't feel right yesterday, and now I know why. The answer came today in the form of a letter that I was required to sign. Verbal reassurances made, but things in writing clearly stating otherwise. Resources consulted and again reassurances made. Point is, why write the letter in a fashion other than what is 'supposed to be' than what actually is?

Spring Break is here, and for the first time in a long time I felt like a normal human being. I didn't do any homework all week (not really anyway.) That'll change come Sunday, but for now I'm going to enjoy my time to deal with other issues.

I've noticed that when one area of my life is tough, the other areas let up just enough for me to be able to handle it. I'd like to think that's God taking care of me so I can make it through this.

I need more confidence

Have you ever gone through a period where you just feel completely self-conscious about everything? I guess it's good to have a little awareness, but for whatever reason I just feel like I'm walking on broken glass. As if I make the wrong step, I'll slip and fall and just be a complete mess. Even when I'm successful, I'm not confident that it was good enough. Maybe that's the music in me talking... always striving for something better.

I guess I'm all discombobulated for various reasons. I'm taking a lot of risks and going outside the box and it makes me nervous. Sometimes I mess up, and other times I'm completely surprised by the feedback I get from those around me. I do think though it has been catching up on me. I'm getting sick again. I haven't been this sick since my allergies were on crazed mode in college. I haven't had a sinus infection in 5-6 years and all of sudden I'm getting them all the time. I don't know what's going on. This winter it was so bad, that my vocal cords were unable to articulate a sound, and I had to go on rest for 2 weeks (I was miserable.) Spring comes and here I am with my second sinus problem. I'm wondering if the black mold from the room below has made it into my room. How else would I all of a sudden be a sinus mess when I've been fine for soooo long?

Anyway, who wants to hear about that. St. Louis is one of the all time allergy areas, and I've made it this far. I'll figure it out. Maybe I'm allergic to something new or in my room at work.

I guess what I'm trying to say that being sick makes me nervous too. Because it affects how I sound for my job. I feel like I'm going above and beyond this year, and yet I still feel like I have failed somehow. I've done more this year than I've ever thought I could do, and yet I still feel like it's not enough. Like I'm a leper and in a world all my own. Don't know where my confidence went, but I really hope it comes back soon. :)

Why I hate my car and other thoughts of today.

When I bought my first brand new car I thought it the best thing ever. I felt like I had a million dollars and I was some rich, fancy person in a brand, spanking new vehicle. Ah, those were the good ole' days. 83xxx miles later and many oil changes to boot, my feelings about my 'baby' have changed. Gone are the days of very little repairs and only having to get an oil change or tire rotation. Here's what the consumer report in '02 did NOT tell me about my wonderful little car:

1. At the first brake replacement (around 2 years) one must likely purchase not only brakes but new calipers (because they freeze easily), and rotors (because my brand of car likes to put very thin rotors in your car at purchase so the 'gas mileage looks good'.)

2. In 5 years you have to do the same to the rear calipers, rotor and brakes.

3. 4 sets of brake pads, 4 calipers and two rotors later; I'm saving up to replace the rotors in the back too because they are boarder-line.

4. If you like trying to find 195/50/16R tires and spending a lot of money for them, you would love my car! Low wall tires that explode (twice!) while on the highway are fabulous! Not only are these tires usually special order, you get to spend all day making calls around town finding them, they range between $100-$250 each depending on how long you want your tire to last.

5. 3 years after purchasing your car, expect at least one of the automatic locks to get stuck and stop working properly.

6. After two years expect the transmission display (of very thin plastic) to crack. And then two years later (after warranty) expect it to happen again (even if you but actually use the car.)

7. For whatever particular reason, my car seems to enjoy batteries as well (but I also have a tendency to accidentally leave the dome light on. OOPS!)

Pros about the car: Roomy for the price, stereo is decent, when a caliper doesn't freeze on you it actually has pretty good 'zoom zoom,' automatic doors and moon roof, shiny wheels (if that's your thing), engine and radiator seem to do well.

I might be on the look out for a different car in a year or so. Any suggestions on ones you personally own and love? I want pros and cons... real ones from actual consumers.

-----Other Thoughts-----

If you think about it going to get your car fixed is like going to the see the Dr. You really don't enjoy it, but it's a requirement of life (unless you don't own a car.) Every time you visit it's usually because something is wrong. You have symptoms of a less-than-desirable nature, and you are visiting because you want them to go away in the fastest time possible. You know it's going to cost a lot, and usually when you've got the verdict, it feels like you're being told you're going to die in a week (well maybe more like your pocket book will.)

Mechanics are like Dr.'s for machines and should probably get more credit for what they do. They aren't doing surgery on people, but they do mechanical surgery on your car. As one mechanic put it to me the other day "when a mechanic handles and fixes your brakes, they are taking the owner's lives into their hands." I've never really thought about a car that way, have you? When a Dr. takes care of you, your health or life is on the line; mechanics are similar in that your car's health (your mental health) and your life is on the line.

So then I'm thinking. Why don't we have car insurance that works like health insurance? Why doesn't the car insurance company pay or offer a discounted co-pay for preventative maintenance like the health insurance companies do? You know they are making tons from insurance premiums, so why not give the costumer more for their buck? They could even go so far as to be like the 'wonderful' hmo's and only allow a certain amount to be charged for a specific service. They could also go so far as to recommend highly skilled professional mechanics from a list to choose from (ie the primary care mechanic :) This idea could probably be of benefit to both consumer, business owner, and insurance company. There are always drawbacks and the choice shouldn't be required, but it sounds like a good idea to me. If I had preventative maintenance coverage in addition to accident coverage, I bet my car would be in tip top shape and last a lot longer and I'd have a lot less stress when something supposedly 'minor' (which it never is financially) goes wrong.