We all have friends that are in relationships. They can be married, engaged, or just dating. Have you ever noticed though, that girls basically forget they even had girl friends once they are with someone? It's like we only exist in some distant memory, and when they remember we get a phone call here and there just to see how it's going. Usually at the end of the call they say something like "We should get together sometime, I haven't seen you in forever!" and then they never call to make plans or back out if you try to make plans with them. Sometimes I feel like a total idiot giving a shout out to my friends. If they haven't made an effort to call me in a week, two weeks, a month, several months, how do I know they even care that I'm still alive? How do I know that they still even value our friendship? Would they still act this way if they weren't with someone? I would venture to say no.
What it is in the female genome that says, "When I'm with a man, my women friends do not mean as much to me. I no longer need them for support and friendship, because my man will be the one and only person I need in my life?" I guess I don't get it. This happens whether a person is dating or married. Married people are sort of in a safety zone, but what if the person you are dating breaks up with you? Who will you go to? Why, your single friends of course. Or maybe even the rogue friend who even though she has been dating someone for a year still actually makes an effort to keep in contact with her friends.
I have been told by several people, that I'm the only girl they know that doesn't basically stop hanging out/ talking with their girl friends once in a relationship. Granted, I have been known to do the same thing, but at one point my s.o.'s friends also happened to interlap with mine, so I'm not sure that counts. Here's the scoop...
When I first moved back to St. Louis, I was in a relationship of 2 years (lasted for 3). I was still getting used to being back and not having all my friends from TSU around all the time. I realized I took it for granted that I could just walk to my friends' house/apartment/dorm or run into them every day just by being a college student. Regardless of one's status we hung out with all of our friends a good portion of the time, simply because they were around and many of them overlapped. Getting back to St. Louis, half a year rolled by before I realized I was missing something: My friends. A few were still in college so I had to wait for them to come back, but some were also back in St. Louis too. At that point I realized I needed to get back in to touch with my friends and make it a point to start over with them after college. I like my friends, I need friends in my life, so why wouldn't I try to reconnect?
Eventually, most people came back to St. Louis or near enough to it that we could meet every now and again, talk etc. Not everyone was married yet, and so life was good. I felt like I needed to explore being single before committing myself forever to someone else, and most of my friends were still open to being out and having fun on the weekends. But now, that most of them are married or in a relationship, it's like everyone has disappeared. They are so caught up in their lives that it seems they forgot about the people that were their support network before a man was in the picture. What has happened to us? Are we so dedicated to our men that we forget to be dedicated to ourselves? What is wrong with you thinking that your man is the only friend you need? What if you get divorced? What if you need to talk about having kids, when those come around someday? Don't wait until we are all in the baby club to realize women friends are needed in your life.
I woke up this morning feeling sad. I woke thinking, why aren't my friends calling me? Why do they only call (I shouldn't say only, because that negates the very few who do call on their own) after I have called them? Why do I feel like 98% of the time I'm the only person trying to set up a time to go out to lunch or dinner or whatever? Is it that people forget about their friends because it's not as convienant any more to be friends? You're not running into them every day at high school or college. You aren't working with them at your new job. You are not living in an area close to them, and even if you are, your still always too busy to make time for your friends.
I'm sorry, but my life is not complete without being close to the people I feel connected with. If I don't see my boyfriend for a day or so, even if it's because I'm studying, working or at school learning, I miss him. Do you miss your friends? Like any relationship, friendship invovles some amount of work now that it's not as convienant to remain friends. Why don't you feel it's important to take that one second out of your day on the way home from work just to give people a call? You already have to be in the car anyway, why not make it productive? Why not write an email asking how things are going? Why not throw a small party for the heck of it or call people to do lunch, dinner, movie or shopping? I haven't been shopping with a girl friend in years. What's wrong with this picture? (Well some of it was I worked at the mall, and hated going back there, but...)
To those of my friends who make the effort to remain friends, thank you. It means a lot, truly. To the rest of you, get on the ball! I hate to say it, but someone has to, and that person who has the 'outspoken crazy friend' job is usually left to me so... you should be used to me by now. Let's not lose our friendships because we are married, in a relationship, too busy to take time from our lives just to stop and hang out once in a while. We all have to eat, why not go out somewhere? No, I don't want to double date, I want to hang out with YOU. I met you WAY before you were your man's 'sidekick' so why would we make our men suffer through womanly conversations they don't understand or care about?
Do you ever see men give up their friendships, their social lives because they are with someone? Hell no! So why are you doing it? Do you think it's healthy to allow your life to be what your man's is? Do you think it's healthy to give up what you believe, think, and feel that might be different from what your man does? Do you think it's healthy to give up your friends? Because that is what your doing. I call, because I care, because talking about random topics brings people closer together. Calling someone, in my mind, does not have to have a specific purpose, if only it means I get to hear what my friends are feeling and thinking, even if it's about how 'so and so at work is making your life crazy.'
Moral is: Ladies, keep your friends in your lives. Make the effort to see them, call them, whatever. We are only here on earth for so long, why live our man's life? We need to be living our lives too!
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